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March 28, 2006
Today's rejoicing
New people continually come into my life who call me to inhabit ever higher and grander visions of myself.
I am grateful for their aid in the evolution of my creating of my self.
My first whole foods group went well. People showed up, food was good, insane conversation (as well as much learning) was had. Totally doing it again next month.
Have I mentioned how much I like working at Eros? The staff is great, the clients are great, it's big gay fun in big gay space. I haven't had a single client ask me for more than a massage. The connections are comfortable and enjoyable, whether silent or conversant. The number one thing that would make it better would be more clients.
I spent Sunday resting with Barry. I can feel a cold wanting so badly to take hold, but I'm keeping it at bay with herbs and sleep. I spent today resting with Zak. Both nights I closed the bookstore. Tommorrow is a private practice day. Yay massages.
Posted by Josh A. at 12:52 AM | Comments (0)
March 25, 2006
First acupuncture experience
So I had my first acupuncture session recently, at Hayes Valley Acupuncture, with Angel Clark. It's a cute little healing center, and Angel is very nice.
I had to fill out a long health history form, and then we talked about it while she took notes. She looked at my tongue and took my pulses.
In the treatment room, I stripped to my underwear and layed supine on a comfy massage table with blankets and a pillow. She came and undraped my torso and feet, and swabbed areas with alcohol.
I asked her to tell me what points she was needling... she did some on my feet and lower legs (I remember K 3, a GB point, LV 2 & 3, and SP 6), hands and arms (H 7, LI 4, L 11, a TW point), abdomen (CV 6—Sea of Qi), ears (kidney, liver, and another point), GV 20, and a point at my third eye.
She checked ST 36 for tenderness, but there was none. That's some progress, I remember it was so sore when I first arrived at Heartwood, through most of first quarter at least.
She wasn't halfway through putting them in when I felt leveled out. It wasn't like calm, it was just "leveled out". Some I couldn't feel, some felt kinda good, and some hurt.
Some that hadn't hurt started to hurt during the session, and then would stop. I jammed my thumb recently, and it wasn't completely healed... the LI 4 needle was in that hand. I moved my thumb around and it hurt like hell. After the session, the joint felt better than before the session. I was amazed by that. It's 90% back to normal now.
Toward the end of the session, major stuff started happening. I would feel my entire internal universe rearrange over the course of a second or two, then my vision (eyes closed) would experience this "back and forth" closer and farther from me movement, very rapid... then it would settle down... and a minute later, happen again... more rearranging, weird movement in my vision, settle down.
That happened three times I think, and then I started to get really tranced out. It was like going to sleep, but not. I wanted to go to sleep, but that wasn't happening for me.
All told, I think I layed with the needles about 30 minutes. She came back in, removed the needles, and then left me to rest for a bit. I curled over into a fetal position, as I do after nearly every massage I receive, and let things sink in.
Afterward, I bought some herbs from her. Plum Flower, my favorite brand. She gave me some to prevent the cold that's been trying to set up home in my throat & chest, and then a long term formula for when I'm no longer worried about getting sick. Yay, a formula that's more appropriate for me than the stuff I've been self-medicating with.
I've been taking Six Flavor Tea Pills and other things to support my Kidneys, and she said I could stop worrying about those. The formula is to nourish the Liver Blood and Heart... it's very important that we calm my Liver, but especially my Shen (heart spirit) so that I can start getting better sleep. Once that's accomplished, it's likely the rest of the picture will change, since sleep is so healing.
Great experience, I'm so glad to finally have some acupuncture in my life. I'd like more. I love to get it weekly, but if I did everything I want weekly, I'd have no time for anything other than taking care of myself. :-)
Posted by Josh A. at 12:31 PM | Comments (1)
March 24, 2006
Spiraling through life
I'm amused at the integration of a shot glass into my morning routine.
No, I'm not starting my day with a shot of Zygo, the "morning vodka", as I once threatened back in Rochester. Although the idea is not without its merits.
I've been using it to do "tincture shots"... so far it's the easiest way I've found to take the nasty dandelion-and-other-herbs-I-can't-remember tincture I made.
I'm sure my grandma would question me loudly and directly were she to visit and notice it with my things. We have to call the martini glasses "parfait cups". And it's not far off, considering I originally purchased and used them for just that purpose. Nonetheless, whether you're drinking martinis or not, it's best not to say the word within earshot of certain folks.
Last night I got more present to some facts, namely that while my grandma never "got me" (still doesn't), my mom absolutely celebrated me unconditionally.
Yes, I lay many of my issues at my grandmother's feet. Perhaps my mom just didn't have enough time to mess me up, passing away when I was only 13. But it was never my mom who made comments, proud sounding but also judgmental and bewildered, about how "weird" and "nutty" I supposedly was/am.
It doesn't matter how you try to word your thoughts and feelings; it doesn't matter if you don't even speak them. You don't raise a child without your true relationship being felt on some level or another. We're more transparent than we think.
And I know my mom didn't care if I spent all my time in the adult non-fiction section of the library, took apart calculators, read about magick and the occult, was fascinated by computers, and didn't play sports.
While my grandma always tried to convince me to be content with the way things were, my mom found ways to take us beyond our white, Christian, suburban upbringing. It was as simple as taking a chinese cooking class and buying a wok. Making wontons together fairly regularly from then on is a memory I treasure.
I think mom would have supported me whole heartedly in going to New York for college; to this day, grandma still says, "I think you should have stayed here for college." I know she would be more than ok with me being gay—I think she would celebrate it with me. And I would be able to ask her directly if the things I've heard about her and her female "roommate" we lived with for a year were true or not ;-)
Now I feel like I have something "new" to mourn. It's like finally finding out that you're missing something you weren't aware of missing before. I wish my mom was still alive to love me unconditionally now. I wonder how things would have been different had she been there. I wonder how things would be different now.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:32 AM | Comments (2)
Who's vegan, anyway?
1) My new acupuncturist told me to eat some meat. ("Fire her!" I hear you all say.)
2) Life is moving faster than I can remember, let alone blog, right now.
3) I'm making vegan cheesecake for the whole foods group tomorrow (technically, later today).
4) I've got a sensitive artist type coming into my life. He gave me some art, not pictured on the site, but part of his Buddha series; I was touched and amazed.
5) My many jobs aren't really working for me. I hope private practice picks up soon.
6) I push the organizational limits of each tool I have, and come up unsatisifed. Thank you iCal for allowing me to create multiple calendars and turn them on and off, but why can't I group them into folders and turn sets on & off in fell swoops? Thank you net community for creating lots of online AJAX calendars... but why can't any of them sync with iCal and my Treo? Thank you Palm for creating the best/worst smartphone in existence, but why haven't you improved your basic apps since 1998?
7) Today I was reminded to rejoice in all that's already rich in my life. I have an abundance of amazing, caring people... living in my home, nearby in my city, calling me on the phone and emailing me from farther places. So many connections that are meaningful and valuable.
Rejoicing opens the heart. What can you rejoice in today?
Posted by Josh A. at 01:44 AM | Comments (1)
March 22, 2006
Seen
Jana spent the night, and we talked and caught up. One of the reasons it feels so good to be with her is that she SEES me.
She says I look bigger (I've been inhabiting more of myself) and solid (I've never felt more grounded).
It feels so good to be seen.
We shared kinky stories and updates on our love lives. I love celebrating our beauty together.
Posted by Josh A. at 08:52 AM | Comments (0)
March 20, 2006
Announcement! Whole foods group!
Well, I finally got my whole foods group off the ground. We're meeting this Friday!
Check it out: http://www.egomagick.com/wholefoods/
RSVP if you're in the Bay Area! Tell your friends!
And in the "definitely not vegan" department...
At Heartwood's coffee house, I would get up and read some of the funnier "search keyphrases" folks used to get to my site, actual words real people searched for on Google, Yahoo, etc, found my site, and clicked through to me with.
I was reviewing my stats today, and found this one:
u spin me right round baby spinning meat
Do I even want to guess? What is up with that?
Posted by Josh A. at 10:27 PM | Comments (0)
March 18, 2006
Structured & unstructured
Tonight was our second poly gay/bi mens gathering... about 15 guys total, another success. Two even came up from Santa Cruz to meet with us! About half of us went to dinner together after.
A gem from the discussion: "I can't confer 'specialness' on someone. That has to come from inside them. What I can do is celebrate their specialness with them."
At one point we were talking about time (a hard limit in any relationship) and structuring it, and someone thought this might relate to my topic suggestion of structured versus unstructured relationships... and I realized that while I've been "unstructuring" my relationships, my time has become much more structured.
It won't always be this way. As my private practice grows and I'm able to drop my survival jobs, I'll make more money in less time with more flexibility and control over my own schedule. In the meantime, I often have to schedule things two weeks out in advance, and then they're subject to change depending on priority (mostly informed by how much money I stand to make or spend).
And on some level, all of that is just so much noise. On a deeper level, there's the note I wrote to myself to remember to post here. I feel like it could stand alone as an entry all by itself:
Life is happening. It's so fucking beautiful.
Lots going on...
...on taking care of myself, I'm arranging to barter for acupuncture sessions, looking to start tai chi, and discovered I like feldenkrais.
...on learning, I'll be getting some instruction in Esalen massage this month, need to get back on track with the myofascial release I was practicing, and I went to a rope bondage class last week.
...on working, I'm getting fantastic feedback from my clients at Eros. It's boosting my confidence a lot, and I'm getting better at 30 and 90 minute sessions. My private practice looks like it's growing, and the clients are very rewarding.
...on relating, getting clearer and clearer about who I am, what I want, and what I have to offer. Feeling inpired by the words of my lovely friend Green: "Life is short. If something's not working, it's gotta GO." Owning my shit, facing my issues, and shifting a lot. To those ends, I need to schedule standing appointments with my coach and my counselor. Both have fallen off the calendar, between a scheduling mishap with one and the other getting over an illness.
Found this site, coping.org, through their page on reparenting. Fantastic site, not just that section, with lots of great starting points for self-work, boundaries, victimhood/martyrdom, control issues, personal responsibility, etc.
Turns out the reparenting concept is connected heavily to Transactional Analysis, a model with which I have some familiarty and have found immensely useful. AND there are quite a few books on it at the library.
As if I didn't have too much to read and not enough time already. ;-)
Posted by Josh A. at 11:08 PM | Comments (0)
March 11, 2006
A sandwich we can both approve of
Last night's sandwich was tropically decadent... salsa, avocado, green leaf lettuce, mango, and... coconut butter.
Oh my god. They make this by grinding the coconut meat and letting it dry just a bit. It has an amazing flavor and texture. When I saw it at Rainbow, I had to have it. It inspired the entire rest of the very vegan sandwich.
Posted by Josh A. at 12:04 PM | Comments (1)
March 08, 2006
Non-vegan
Met a new bookstore co-worker last night, Blue. He's vegan.
I'm at Zubio eating a non-vegan veggie sandwich. Garbanzo bean, red bell pepper, and gouda with whole cumin in it... on sprouted whole wheat bread with butter and a tomato & onion spread I made. "No MAYO. Shania hates mayo."
There, I've described my lunch. You can all die happy now. You're welcome.
Posted by Josh A. at 02:27 PM | Comments (4)
Today's shtuff
Sometimes you just don't have time to shower.
Fluidity isn't always easy, even for P's. (Myers-Briggs) Most of us seem socialized for as much structure, even negative structure, as possible.
Sticking around and working things out rocks.
People spend a lot of money on porn.
Sick roommates aren't much fun.
If I can't have an entire staff, can I at least have a slave boy?
Posted by Josh A. at 12:41 AM | Comments (0)
March 07, 2006
U spin me right round, baby
So much is happening so quickly in my life right now that it feels even more difficult to keep up with this journal—or rather, keep this journal up with my life. I wonder if the Universe canceled my coaching session today (my coach is sick) just to give me a break!
Highlights:
I spend all my time at the gay book store straightening things up.
The next Gay/Bi Men's Poly gathering is next weekend!
A wonderful woman, a ceremonial healer, rearranged my universe recently... I see that perhaps the biggest shift I need to make is toward complete trust, in myself and the Universe. In other words, self-confidence. I put up a good front; today a close, but fairly new, friend asked if I ever felt not confident. Do I? *laugh*
Part of my coaching intake was to name my highest values. What came was:
1. Divine trust
2. Transparency
3. Intentional self-work
4. Unconditional (self) Love
5. Impeccable word/unarguable truth
(Only later did I see how they correspond to the chakras.)
I feel like what I heard from the U, through Ms. Ceremony, was that it's time to really put more energy and intention into #1.
As well, I'm currently putting much energy into #2... transparency requires Others to be seen by, to be One-self with, and relationship is a huge piece of work for me right now. Most of that work is internal, but some looks like process with others.
Got a glimpse recently of just how big I am. Huge. Currently: I barely inhabit myself.
On the other hand, I have big, beautiful things going on with big, beautiful people. Some of it looks small and ugly sometimes. When I'm grounded, I remember otherwise.
I've been so grounded lately, more so than ever before in my life. And aligned. The two are synergistic, of course. The more grounded, the easier to check in with one's heart.
Putting some (need more) energy into getting my whole foods group off the ground, as well as teaching some intro to whole foods classes. I need to get spaces scheduled, advertising out, class outline fleshed out, handouts prepared, websites done. Where's my highly competent staff?
Basically, I'm busy, a little stressed, learning, living, loving, and happy. If I could choose one superpower, it would be the ability to squeeze 200 hours into each day. Until then, I'll be here doing my very human very best.
Posted by Josh A. at 02:29 AM | Comments (1)
March 03, 2006
how soft? bunny soft
So we saw the counselor last night. It was a rich session. I came prepared to speak some truths; I made a desire explicit and ended an agreement. Now my choices are my choices, and my responsibility, again.
I did learn something very useful. I was talking about the way I sometimes avoid telling people what I'm going to be doing because I don't want to deal with their feelings around it... especially, say, a boyfriend who I think might be angry or upset... and the counselor pointed out that it sounded much like the relationship between a child and a parent.
"Wow."
With people who don't have their inner-Parent hooked by this aspect of my behavior, it ends up just being my shit... when someone gets hooked in and plays on that level with me, it's 1) the opposite of fun and 2) very much within my definition of "drama". I have a No Drama policy, so when I become aware of it, it has to go.
Individuation. Isn't that supposed to happen at like 3 and 13? No, I hear some people are still working on it in their 50s. Right now I feel like I have to have some pretty hard boundaries—sometimes I'm not unlike a toddler who only knows one word: "NO!" On some level I know I don't have to hold onto my self-hood so tenaciously. I've already become secure enough to see that it's ok to loosen my grip.
I had set the intention to be soft in our session. I feel good about the job I did. Being soft allowed me to hear sharp words and not be cut by them, as well as not respond with sharpness of my own. I had realized while meditating that I need to cultivate softness, particularly toward those I care about. To that end, sooner or later I'll probably begin dragging my ass to 7:00am tai chi with this guy I met at ACTCM's open house.
Today was my first day at the bookstore. Not much to say about it. I like the manager, I like the customers, I like money. No reading allowed while on duty, which seems odd for a bookstore, so I just run around hoping people mess things up so I can tidy the shelves again.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:41 AM | Comments (0)
March 02, 2006
Un/sexy naked massage
My midweek is set up to be crazy for the foreseeable future... today I accompanied a client to his acupuncture session in the morning, worked chair massage at Zubio from 11:30 to 4:00, had dinner with Des, and worked my first shift at Eros, from 5:30 to 10:30.
Starting next week, Thursday will be private clients during the day, and then work at the bookstore at night. Same for Tuesday.
I'm doing ok... although now I know why people drink. I get home from working all day and all I want is a dirty martini. oK, so I wanted one AT work. I had carrot cake instead, which isn't necessarily all that different. So I need to find better ways to take care of myself, so I can continue showing up 100%, especially for my private practice clients.
Anyway, Eros.
I had two clients, which was damn decent, in my book, for my first shift on a slow night. Hopefully it will pick up as people get used to me being there every week and I build a clientele. Plus not every Wednesday will be slow.
The massages were un/sexy: unsexy in that they are strictly non-sexual, therapeutic massage sessions; sexy in that I did notice sexual thoughts & energy come up for me more than usual. Very interesting.
We learned in school what to do about that—acknowledge and allow it, which facilitates the movement of the energy through and out of us, while remembering that we have a choice as to whether or not we act on what we are experiencing inside. Own it, so as to shield the client from it; we can clear it on our own, we don't need the client's help or involvement for that.
Honestly, it's never been much of a problem at school or in my private practice. When I notice sexual feelings, that's fine, it doesn't freak me out, and I get on with my work. I think this may have had something to do simply with the environment and not being accustomed to it. I'm sure it will wear off all too soon and what now seems a bit titillating will soon seem anything but.
Despite the "challenges," I did some great work and may get a regular client out of it. Eros is a fun place to work... naked men running around, co-worker banter, etc... if you're into that sort of thing ;-)
Customers are looking for the standard Swedish/deep tissue full body mush & mash, and that's ok. I meet 'em where they're at, and find out if and where they're looking to learn more. The great thing is, it's hard to receive regular massage and not grow in bodily awareness and thus grow in sophistication as a bodywork consumer. Even if what that looks like for an individual is the knowledge from experience that Swedish/deep tissue is what really works best for them.
By the way. The acupuncture appointment was great; the acupuncturist was great. She didn't dumb it down for me, she answered all my questions, gave me her phone number to talk more. She treated me like an ally, and her caring for our client was clear. She brought up Paul Pitchford's book—loves it—so I mentioned that I studied with him at Heartwood; she's interested in my Whole Foods Support Group project.
Having a Chinese diagnosis will be very helpful in session strategy. I could ask more of my clients to go get one. Or I could just go to Chinese medical school myself. Maybe someday. Before or after Somatic Psychology? I'm most interested in the mental/emotional/spiritual aspects of acupuncture and Chinese medicine anyway.
I think where I'm going next, though, is bed.
Posted by Josh A. at 01:00 AM | Comments (1)
March 01, 2006
A poem
Des and I went to the GuyWriters poetry group tonight... had a fun time... we didn't bring any of our work, though, so I thought I'd post a piece here. Comments?
relationshiptorpid both, tight shuddering we curled-in
keep ourselves apart from your
quiet chest and my silent torsochasmal inches separate the united
states of you from the people's republic of meforeign policy remains crumbs of half-eaten
distrust, flocks of herons paralyzed
in standing waters, and today's forecast
is cloudy, stormful, gray and blacks
as white as wedding veils.unreliably cartons burst open
lids blast back in overwraught
attempts to escape the fear's gravitymuffle anamneses through this
rehearsal of ancient auto-biographies,
parental wallops and near-death pandemonium.i came to show you this, your caduceus
reflect, not replace, you, physician
dangling immediately before your face
you see not me, not you, but wholenessgift-wrapped in annihilation and panic,
grab it!and don't hold on
Posted by Josh A. at 12:56 AM | Comments (1)