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March 03, 2006
how soft? bunny soft
So we saw the counselor last night. It was a rich session. I came prepared to speak some truths; I made a desire explicit and ended an agreement. Now my choices are my choices, and my responsibility, again.
I did learn something very useful. I was talking about the way I sometimes avoid telling people what I'm going to be doing because I don't want to deal with their feelings around it... especially, say, a boyfriend who I think might be angry or upset... and the counselor pointed out that it sounded much like the relationship between a child and a parent.
"Wow."
With people who don't have their inner-Parent hooked by this aspect of my behavior, it ends up just being my shit... when someone gets hooked in and plays on that level with me, it's 1) the opposite of fun and 2) very much within my definition of "drama". I have a No Drama policy, so when I become aware of it, it has to go.
Individuation. Isn't that supposed to happen at like 3 and 13? No, I hear some people are still working on it in their 50s. Right now I feel like I have to have some pretty hard boundaries—sometimes I'm not unlike a toddler who only knows one word: "NO!" On some level I know I don't have to hold onto my self-hood so tenaciously. I've already become secure enough to see that it's ok to loosen my grip.
I had set the intention to be soft in our session. I feel good about the job I did. Being soft allowed me to hear sharp words and not be cut by them, as well as not respond with sharpness of my own. I had realized while meditating that I need to cultivate softness, particularly toward those I care about. To that end, sooner or later I'll probably begin dragging my ass to 7:00am tai chi with this guy I met at ACTCM's open house.
Today was my first day at the bookstore. Not much to say about it. I like the manager, I like the customers, I like money. No reading allowed while on duty, which seems odd for a bookstore, so I just run around hoping people mess things up so I can tidy the shelves again.
Posted by Josh A. at March 3, 2006 10:41 AM