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February 26, 2006
Dhamaalriffic
Green & Zak & I went to Dhamaal's pre-party. Hot. I love tabla. Love love love it. We had a good time, but I do have some quick criticisms: the sound quality was muddy upstairs and down, and I experienced the DJs' attempts to serve up what some might call an "eclectic" mix of styles disappointingly random and confusing.
Other than that, I danced my ass off, enjoyed the night thoroughly, and would do it again. Makes me really want to go to Phuturo some Tuesday soon though. Neeeed drum-n-bass.
I found that dancing felt best when I gave my body permission to move however it wanted. This seems to make help some people feel very uncomfortable. It doesn't matter—my friends are completely in love with me.
Speaking of which, I found a favorite quote tonight:
There is only Awareness, alone with Everyone and everything it loves. Be completely, hopelessly, passionately in love with everyone. – OpenMindOpenHeart.org
Mmmm... love me some everyone and everything. It was great to see Green again, and to introduce new friend to old. Although sometimes there's the risk of too much catching up on happenings with folks that only two of the trio know, I think it went well.
I wish there were an all-night, whole-foods place, some kind of mark-of-the-vegetarian-beast anti-diner (anathema to all that good Americans hold near and dear!) for us to feast in after such an evening, but there are none here to my knowledge.
Some life updates: I got a new job, doing completely non-sexual (I promise) therapeutic massage at Eros. It's only one day a week to start, and I only make money if people sign up for massage, but that's not an uncommon arrangement.
I'm going after retail work close to home. The best jobs are having difficulty hiring me. The owner of Swirl and I seem to love each other, and he wants to hire me, but he has such a tight crew, it's like someone has to die before I can get on there. What is this, the 15 association?
I think Solis would like to hire me, and they totally should—I need to sell their rockstar clothing. But I have no formal clienteling experience. Like it was rocket science or something. Getting into Cornell was easier than getting into a minimum wage job at a clothing store.
Had an interview at Different Light bookstore, which went well enough, but my flexible schedule may not be flexible enough for them. I couldn't tell. Damn interviewers for being so opaque.
Des and I had some great conversations today. He's reading Power of Now, and read me a passage that stood out to him today, which made me get out Self-Powerment, by Faye Mandell to see how it related.
Tonight over dinner we were talking about the Karpman Drama Triangle (wikipedia article, great bodyworker/drama triangle article) and it became apparent that we were using the word "judgment" in at least two completely different ways.
Eventually I thought I might understand what he meant and we worked on creating a shared vocabulary. We went over some of the mapping/abstracting concepts from General Semantics, and I'm pretty sure that I can substitute "making a map" for "making a judgement" and mean what he meant.
Anyway, we got Steve involved, who likes the "menu" metaphor ("the menu is not the meal") and we somehow got onto a filing cabinet metaphor ("the filed notes are not the subject at hand"?).
By the time we were finished, we had forgotten what we needed a shared vocab to talk about...
...which was just as well as it was getting close to Dhamaal time.
Now, hours later, I think what we were to talk about was the Drama Triangle and its usefulness/limits as a model (or map, or file folder of notes) for thinking and talking about certain forms of relating... generally arguing & fighting :-)
Not that we've done much of that the past two days, or even longer. First we were just tired of processing so much. Lately we've just been doing our thing and being happy. The New Moon is on Monday, though, so who knows what changes the next few weeks will bring. I suppose I'd best start formulating my intentions for the coming cycle.
Posted by Josh A. at 02:22 AM | Comments (0)
February 24, 2006
In love every day
I woke up this morning, sat down and grounded, and had a short conversation with my heart. It directed my attention to the day I had in front of me to live/love my life. So, I went and spent half the day sofar living/loving my life. The two kind of build on each other.
Drawing upon The Language Crystal, by Lawrence William Lyons, the difference between live and love is the presence of ourselves, the phallic letter I = ego, or of receptivity, O = the void, femininity.
To LIVE life requires we insert ourselves into the fray, penetrate the world with Who We Are. To LOVE life requires that we open and take in, fully accepting What Is.
I feel like it's possible to do these at the same time, or at least let them spiral out from each other.
Posted by Josh A. at 03:02 PM | Comments (0)
February 23, 2006
In love again
I have finally found whole wheat cous cous!
I haven't had cous cous in years. Today I feast on it.
So quick and easy, I must not get lazy and dependent on this... for it is still processed, not as healthy as, say, wheat berries or brown rice. But sooo much quicker to make when I am hungry on the go.
I've mixed in carmelized onions and sauteed rainbow chard. mmMmmm.
Posted by Josh A. at 12:15 PM | Comments (1)
February 21, 2006
Who told me?
Peter J. Carroll told me. He repeated what Hassan I Sabbah told us, "Nothing is true. Everything is permitted." Carroll also pointed out that "Nothing... is true." and "Nothing is. (True)."
Crowley told me. He said, "Love is the whole of the law. You, as every man, woman, and child, are a star."
Hugh Prather told me every which way he knew how, including "No matter what we talk about, we're all always talking about the same thing."
My friend Bob told me (lots of things, all about this.)
Louise Hay told me, saying, "The only thing we are ever working on is self-love."
Conversations With God told me in circles, describing the boundaries of truth as best anyone can with mere words.
Soyka told me, "How about you learn to love yourself the way you are first, then change." and then gave me a book of what Thich Nhat Hanh told her, Teachings On Love.
Hafiz told me, over and over again, in poem after poem.
The Abounding River Logbook told me, Abraham told me, tons of folks interested in the mechanics of manifesting told me, "It doesn't matter what you do, but how you do it."
Today I told me. Well, we told me. Not our head, or our ego, but the connected part of us, the connection in our heart from us to you and everything. It has a quiet, infinite voice.
We were asking ourselves about time, and how there doesn't seem to be enough this month, and we gently reminded ourselves that we'll do what we do, we'll get done what we get done, and none of that can possibly matter as much as how joyfully we do it matters.
Concrete example, courtesey of my coaching session yesterday: in some sense, it does not matter what I spend my money on. What matters is how I spend it. Am I awake and alive spending it? Do I look at my spending with eyes open? Is each expenditure a joyful declaration of Who I Am, what I value, where I choose to put energy in my life?
(This doing things joyfully requires a will—and a willingness—to self-definition.)
The last thing I bought was some groceries. I've talked before about how personal what we choose to put in our bodies is. Might as well make those choices joyfully, "This is how I take care of myself. (Yay!) This is how I live my life. (Yay!) This is how I enjoy eating. (Yay!) It doesn't have to look like what anyone else says it should look like. (Yay! What an understatement.)"
Even paying bills can be done joyfully. Ask Louise Hay for more info on that. If you're going to pay them anyway, then is it going to be a ritual of negative thoughts and feelings, or joy and love?
As someone who's in the middle of learning to take care of himself, I'll tell you paying bills feels like the best thing in a long time. I'm sure that will diminish as it gets routine, but it doesn't have to go away (I don't have to take it for granted, or forget that at one time I was dependent on others for my survival) and it certainly doesn't have to cross over into any level, however minor, of negativity. It's ok if it does, but I can't deny that I have a choice in the matter.
Choosing love or joy in each moment... I think it's a matter of connecting to my own heart enough. One thing I learned at Heartwood was how not to live up in my head all the time, how to be in my body as well. I think it's time to get more specific.
Posted by Josh A. at 12:14 PM | Comments (1)
February 20, 2006
Updates
San Francisco events...
On Thursday, The League of Pissed Off Voters presents Hustle for Change, a night of progressive hop hop and politics, with poets from PoorMagazine.com, DJs, live graffiti art, and more.
This Saturday is the Dhamaal 2006 Kickoff... two floors of world music, beats and breaks, live tabla, video DJs, and who knows what else. Green and I should be there, and perhaps Zak and.. maybe you?
Kickin, and this is just the pre-party for their 3rd annual month long Sights and Sounds festival in March.
Cool weekly parties at Underground SF include Phuturo (drum-n-bass) on Tuesdays and Cheb I Sabbah on Wednesdays.
And finally, every Saturday is Healing Dance at Yoga is Youthfulness.
Woot: I have two interviews on Wednesday, one to sell rockstar clothing and the other to massage gay men (non-sexually). I'm sure I could fit both into my schedule ;-)
I neglected to actually show you folks the poster I did, for our first Gay/Bi Men's Poly Meeting... next time... and there will be a next time, because the first meeting (on the 11th) went stunningly—over 20 guys showed up! I guess there's a bona fide need for the group.
Met Brad there, creator of a podcast called Queer Sex Weekly, which led me to another podcast, Polyamory Weekly. So I've been introduced to the world of podcasts finally and been enjoying that. Now I don't have to carry a book on MUNI if I don't want to.
So Zak and I are working to organize the second one, and trying to find a better venue. We never expected so many guys to show up, the Three Dollar Bill cafe was a little cramped for us in the end.
I also neglected to post that my cousin and her husband came down for that weekend of the 11th, doing extra credit for an Asian studies course. They saw the Chinese New Year's pararde, and Sunday morning we checked out the Asian Art Museum... I'd been there before, it's excellent.
In the afternoon, I went to see Emperor Norton: A New Musical That's Right as Reign. It was hilarious. Well done, good casting, great subject matter.
I went alone, as after a while I got tired of asking people and hearing "no" and eventually gave up. I think it was worth it; I've never considered myself a person who "had to go with someone" to do something I'm interested in. I did notice what it was like both to wish I was sharing the experience with someone, and to be OK with having that feeling around.
Interesting, because I never understood really well phrases about "sharing" anything with anyone else. It just didn't make sense to me. It makes a bit more sense now.
And, at the same time, there's definitely something to be said for sharing a treat just with yourself.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:21 PM | Comments (0)
Gay rights, civil rights, human rights... divine rights
I'm not hearing evil voices that I need some Guardian Angels to escort back to "the light", buuut... I found a quote from this site on kundalini troubleshooting relevant to my current process:
On the chakra level universes of duality, there are boundaries and individuality. Every animal it's [sic] territory and home, and the right and power to defend its space. You have a Divine Right to be sovereign in yourself, and Angels will be the enforcers of that, if you ask them.
also, this:
Richard Bach said, "Argue for your limitations, and you get to keep them."
BTW, I ended up on that site because a Google ad for these paranoid Christians of the moment crossed my screen. Too funny. They take a "DON'T DO IT!" stance (just to advance their own agenda to scare Christian-identified folk away from yoga and meditation, of course) over what's simply a "be careful, informed, and responsible" issue.
Posted by Josh A. at 04:47 AM | Comments (0)
February 17, 2006
Would you feed corn syrup to a baby?
Apparently, Dr. Barbara Schneeman, Director of the Dietary Supplements Department of the FDA, thinks you should... read the article here.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:54 AM | Comments (0)
February 16, 2006
Breathing, relating, creating (meaning and more)
Breaths are the ultimate in relationship... they sustain us each minute of our lives, and all they ask is that we invite them in openly and don't hold on to them when it's time to let go.
Reminds me of a Zen quote:
When he comes, we welcome. When he goes, we do not pursue.
Some people, of course, choose to make lack of pursuit mean other things, like lack of interest, lack of caring, lack of love—often without taking responsibility for their meaning making.
I think most of us were trained to believe that meaning is inherent... we've been told that what is really the creation process is just a process of mining or divining.
Anyway, that quote shows up in a great article on doing nothing in our relationships.
Posted by Josh A. at 07:01 PM | Comments (0)
February 09, 2006
Good pissrs
Found this site: People In Search of Safe Restrooms (PISSR)... reminds me of the awful bathroom drama at Heartwood, as well as the enlightened co-ed bathrooms in Risley at Cornell.
Most to least annoying:
Gender-specified single occupancy bathrooms (what the?)
Gender-specified multi-stall bathrooms
Co-ed multi bathrooms
Not annoying:
Gender-non-specific single occupancy bathrooms, the only bathrooms that make any sense.
Unless you're kinda (or way) into doing your thing with other people doing their thing ;-) Maybe the multi-person bathrooms could all have a pig silhouette on their doors instead of gender abstractions.
Posted by Josh A. at 01:27 AM | Comments (0)
February 07, 2006
Do I smell?
Desmond says I have "a scent". He claims to like it, of course, but the last person to make either one of these claims (she did make both), was a girl in high school named Katryna.
Apparently, ladies and gentlemen, I smell.
Moreover, it lingers. It's stinking up our bedroom. He doesn't smell it in the morning, he says, until he leaves for a while and then comes back in.
That's how dog smell works.
Except mine's there all the time. Not just since I started using new deodorant, he says it's not body odor, it's "my scent" and that's supposed to be different and not make me hate myself (it does), and it's been there ever since he's known me.
So, I wand a second opinion. And a third, and fourth. Please be honest. Do I smell? What can I do about it?
Posted by Josh A. at 03:22 PM | Comments (6)
Numbers
The counseling center called me today at 11:11.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:25 AM | Comments (0)
February 05, 2006
Nice day
Went to ACTCM's open house/chinese new year's celebration today. Happy Year of the Dog.
Watched a traditional Lion Dance, learned about the history of Chinese Medicine (they were doing acupuncture thousands of years before America was born), decided I have to get me some acupuncture & herbs, and had a great tai chi class with this guy.
Afterward I stopped by a friend's workplace to pick up some artwork that's going on a flyer... I'll probably post it when it's done.
Met up with Green, a friend from Heartwood, and walked home... we talked and caught up, made dinner (whole wheat penne with almond-basil pesto and arugula salad with balsamic and crumbles from a decent bleu cheese), and watched I Heart Huckabees. Oh my god, so good. So good Green, so good food, so good movie.
See the movie... for its superior sense of humor, its raw and immediate intimacy, its meaning and message, and for Mark Wahlberg in a firefighter suit.
Tomorrow I'm calling the Center for Somatic Psychotherapy to get me some counselin'. Some body-centered counseling, at that. I've been out of counseling long enough, time to fall off the wagon again ;-)
Posted by Josh A. at 11:17 AM | Comments (0)
February 04, 2006
To grrr is human
I was grocery shopping the other day, at Rainbow, and I was halfway through the store when I started thinking about the perfectionism that creeps in on me at the co-op.
I was passing up all kinds of yummy looking things... pizza crust with whole AND refined flour in it, croissants with whole AND refined flour in them, bagels with too many different grains, etc., ok... mostly breads it looks like. But here I was shopping with no list or plan, and a fairly empty cart. "What am I going to eat?"
The stooopid thing about it all was that not two days before Des and I split a pizza and sub from Extreme Pizza. So I do what. Throw it all out the window when I'm hungry and tired? And then pass up something that will be better and cheaper just because it's not perfect?
This kind of zero-or-ten (and nothing in between) behavior is something a friend pointed out in early high school, and I've been trying to become more and more conscious of it ever since.
So I went back, bought the pizza crust and some pizza supplies, and I'm feeling happier now. It's not perfect... but it's not empty either.
Happier still because tonight I made basil-almond pesto, and I still have nasturtium pesto in the freezer. It's like pesto central here.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:26 PM | Comments (1)
February 02, 2006
1st, 2nd, 4th
Life is interesting right now... some relevant passages:
One side-effect of personal development is severing relations with other persons who have not gotten around to letting us go through our changes. Changing ones mind about oneself is difficult enough but when you ask others to change their minds about you, it is then you find out who your real friends are. ... If someone cannot handle the personality change you are going through because you are updating your self-image, then it is their problem unless you make it yours, as well.
Another source of social discord is when we outgrow our present social circles and neglect to withdraw and/or find new ones. Our circle of friends constitutes our Power Elite because this network affirms and supports the person we are or want to become. Once this circle stops doing this for us, it's time to take a few steps back and review our criteria for friendship based in our present-time feelings, responses and social realities. If we don't, it's possible we'll harm ourselves and others through subliminal resentments, hidden hostilities and other emotional signals....
Until Motherhood is reclaimed, we'll be controlled by Mother types who keep beating us at this game, including our genetic Mothers. The secret of being a Mother is starting small. Nourish and take care of houseplants, then, when ready... the garden. This will tune us into the purely spiritual expression of Mothering. When ready to graduate, get an aquarium and feed the fish. If prepared to mother small mammals, hamsters do well, then cats and dogs. By this time, there will have been enough actual practice for the rest of ourselves to catch on. ... If all of this sounds just too "maternal" to do, feel free to continue projecting "Mother" unwittingly onto your friends and lovers until it's time to get it together.
– Angel Tech, by Antero Alli
[The fourth mantra] — “Darling, I am suffering. Please help.” Only six words, but sometimes they are difficult to say because of the pride in our hearts, especially if it was the person we love whom we believe caused us to suffer. If it had been someone else, it would not be so hard. But because it was him, we feel deeply hurt. We want to go to our room and weep. But if we really love him, when we suffer like that, we have to ask for help. We must overcome our pride.
There is a story that is well-known in my country about a young couple who suffered deeply because of pride. The husband had to go off to war, and he left his pregnant wife behind. Three years later, when he was released from the army, his wife came to the village gate to welcome him, and she brought along their little boy. When the young couple saw each other, they could not hold back the tears of joy. They were thankful to their ancestors for protecting them, and the young man asked his wife to go to the marketplace to buy some fruit, flowers, and other offerings to place on the ancestors’ altar.
While she was shopping, the young father asked his son to call him Daddy, but the little boy refused. “Sir, you are not my daddy! My daddy used to come every night, and my mother would talk to him and cry. When mother sat down, daddy also sat down. When mother lay down, my daddy lay down.” Hearing these words, the young father’s heart turned to stone.
When his wife returned, he could not even look at her. The young man offered fruit, flowers, and incense to the ancestors, made prostrations, and then rolled up the bowing mat and did not allow her to do the same. He believed that she was not worthy to present herself in front of the ancestors. Then he walked out of the house and spent his days drinking and walking about the village. His wife could not understand why he was acting like that. Finally, after three days, she could bear it no longer, and she jumped into the river and drowned herself.
The evening after the funeral, when the young father lit the kerosene lamp, his little boy shouted, “There is my daddy!” He pointed to his father’s shadow projected on the wall and said, “My daddy used to come every night just like that, and my mother would talk to him and cry a lot. When my mother sat down, he sat down. When my mother lay down, he lay down.” “Darling, you have been away for too long. How can I raise our child alone?” she cried to her shadow. One night the child asked her who and where his father was. She pointed to her shadow on the wall and said, “This is your father.” She missed him so much.
Suddenly the young father understood, but it was too late. If he had gone to his wife and asked “Darling, I suffer so much. Our little boy said a man used to come every night and you would talk to him and cry with him, and every time you sat down, he also sat down. Who is that person?” she would have had an opportunity to explain and avert the tragedy. But he did not because of the pride in him.
The lady behaved the same. She was deeply hurt because of her husband’s behavior, but she did not ask for his help. She should have practised the fourth mantra, “Darling, I suffer so much. Please help. I do not understand why you will not look at me or talk with me. Why didn’t you allow me to prostrate before the ancestors? Have I done anything wrong?” if she had done that, her husband could have told her what the little boy said. But she did not, because she, too, was caught in pride.
In true love, there is no place for pride. When you are hurt by the person you love, when you suffer and believe your suffering has been caused by the person you love the most, remember this story. Do not act like the father or mother of the little boy. Do not let pride stand in your way. Practice the fourth mantra: “Darling, I am suffering. Please help.” If you really consider him to be the one you love the most in this life, you have to do that. When he hears your words, he will come back to himself and practice looking deeply. Then the two of you will be able to sort things out, reconcile, and dissolve the wrong perception.
– Teachings on Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh
Posted by Josh A. at 12:53 AM | Comments (1)