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December 19, 2005

Holiday week in Upstate New York

So we arrived in Buffalo on Saturday, got our rental car and drove to Rochester.

On the way, I felt mild excitement, but when we actually got into the city I suddenly embodied the "way I was" when I used to live here... it was NOT comfortable, let me tell you. The ways in which I used to operate did not feel good—"No wonder I had the troubles I did," I thought. I felt acutely the difference between where I'm at now and where I was then.

Perhaps you've had the experience of coming back to a previous location and slipping so easily into your old patterns and ways of being, like slipping into an old, well-worn groove you had carved out there. I've had that experience elsewhere, and while this wasn't like that, I was reminded of it. But my experience of that has been one of lack of awareness, which facilitates the "slipping". This was the opposite. After moving through that and coming back to my current self, things have been pretty nice.

Des reminded me that I'm not that person anymore, and interestingly enough, I've been "seen" for who I am now. The first thing we did after arriving at the home of some friends we're staying with (Kym, et al) was go to a holiday party... the holiday party, it seems. There, I received two amazing compliments from Mark and Steve, partners that Des has known for ages. Mark told me how much he appreciates reading this journal; Steve simply told me that he's proud of me for finding direction and pursuing it so well.

THE holiday party was the illustrious annual party of Brian and Chris. It's the type of party that's really thrown for the hosts, not the guests. It doesn't matter who comes, as long as someone comes... but of course, everyone wants to come.

There were two chocolate fountains, one milk chocolate and one white chocolate, with various yummies to make yummier by dipping in the chocolatey flow. A selection of fine cheeses and bread and crackers. More truffles than any five block radius deserves. Chicken skewers with dipping sauces (mole, thai peanut, and pumpkin somethingsomething).

Let's not forget the two tables of drinks, including white and red wines, sodas and waters, liquors, mixers, condiments. How to top it next year except to hire a bartender?

Afterward, we headed to "Bar Night", the monthly theme night at the local leather bar. This month was Long Underwear Night. I decided to forego subjecting everyone to my lime green silk long underwear.

We ran into so many people, and folks seemed so genuinely glad to see us. It's so funny to me, at home I spend nearly zero time in any of the bars, and I can leave for a year and a half and then come across the country and into The Forum and be welcomed like family.

There are some people here who I really miss. I wish I could take them all to California.

Sunday morning we had breakfast at Des' favorite restaurant (Jines on Park Ave) and then headed to Sodus Point to see his father and some family out there.

Kinda nuts. The highlight for me was a lively discussion, me and four smokers, on whether or not it should be illegal for adults to smoke around children, even (especially) parents in their own home. They wanted to frame it as an intrusion into their personal rights in a private setting ("Coming into MY home and telling me what I can't do") and I frame it as protecting someone else's rights from something they do that harms others. That is, after all, where our personal liberty ends, yes? Exactly where it begints to affect and harm others.

Anyway, Kim (his dad's wife) made us linguine with clam sauce, the family appreciated their gifts—framed prints of some of Des' photos—and we received some wine and holiday decorations.

That night, Des went out to meet some friends and I spent some time with Bruce. Got to see his new apartment, chat with him and his boyfriend, and give him some gifts. I gave him a collection of things which I hope can be useful to him, but the real intent was to share something of where I'm at and who I've become since he last saw me.

The gift included: a miron water bottle, a personal blend of flower essences, an oil blend for his scalp which I infused with herbs and essential oils, and two aromatherapy inhalers—an immune boost inhaler (mostly oregano oil), and a relaxation inhaler (sandalwood and some others) for quieting the mind at night.

Des and I spent just about all of today doing our own things. In the morning, he left with Kym to see the Rent movie, while I caught up on sleep.

In the afternoon, Bruce and I went to Pioneer Copy to do a little project for a client. I also wanted to see Todd & Carol, the owners of the print shop. It was really nice to see them, and they seemed happy to see me as well.

Afterward, we went to Bryant & Stratton, where I did my graphic design associates, just to see who was there. Most everyone I remember was in, although the director of admissions and director of the graphic design program were unfortunately out. Lots of folks I remembered though.

What was more amazing was how they remembered me... one of my projects in school was a sculpture, and they have it in the conference room. I had no idea it was still around; my partner Sharon and I did put a lot of time and thought into it, and it felt really good to have that honored.

As well, I was told that my name came up last week in a conversation about the most talented design students they had had.

Folks again were genuinely interested in how I'm doing and happy to hear of my successes. I had no idea that this group of people was still thinking about me. I suppose the feeling is mutual: Ms. Zempel, one of my teachers, expressed appreciation of my visit, saying that they had very few students come back and tell them how they were doing.

Apparently Des had some similar experiences today, expressing some surprise at just how happy folks were to see him.

In the early evening, Des and I went to a bar called RJ's to meet up with some old coworkers of his (his old boss, Nadine, and Amy), and a friend we didn't get to see at the holiday party, Jeffy.

We gave Nadine a gift, some lady bug items (a ring, a necklace, and a finger puppet) from a Santa Cruz state park gift shop, and we gave Jeffy his birthday gift from a year ago, a children's book called Naughty.

After some hanging out and chatting, I left to go meet up with Bruce again.

We had wanted to go to our old favorite restaurant, Domenico's, but they're closed on Mondays now. We also wanted to watch my Heartwood DVD that Des made, of photos and video from my graduation and other school experiences, and it was unreadable by Bruce's DVD player. "Oh well, next time," I said. Hmph. Maybe Thursday or Friday.

Instead we chatted, went to Parkleigh and shopped a bit, then to Beale St. Cafe, another old favorite, for dinner. He had never eaten there, and we had a nice feast. For once, I was able to pay for dinner. Being employed rocks.

Afterward, we went to Spot Coffee (not my favorite coffee house, but open late) and had a good time talking about everything and anything. It was so good to do again. I'm really looking forward to him visiting San Francisco—the last time we were there together, I was barely familiar with it. Now I have a whole life there.

Since I've been back at Kym's home, I've caught up on some email (the chair massage startup I'm working for is creating two new positions for which I'm applying), wrote some holiday cards, welcomed Desmond home and put him to bed, and finally updated this thing. Now I think it's bedtime for me.

Posted by Josh A. at 11:04 PM | Comments (0)

December 15, 2005

Harm reduction

Just read two great articles (one, two) on a Seattle project to house 75 of the city's most alcohol-addicted homeless citizens. I wish more folks would get on board.

Posted by Josh A. at 10:16 PM | Comments (1)

December 13, 2005

Happy Holidays

The other day at work a nice customer said "Merry Christmas" to me, perhaps bit pointedly... "Happy holidays," I replied, berhaps a bit pointedly as well.

So when Steve sent me a link to this article on the so-called War on Christmas I of course had to pass it on... especially when it says things like:

The truth is, anytime someone starts talking to you about how Christians are persecuted in the United States, you are—right then and right there—talking to a retard.

Love it.

BTW, if anyone who's not Des (he's got his list already) would like to buy me some frankincense oil for Xmas, feel free. That'll be $30 an ounce, please. Get me some helichrysum and rose otto while you're at it.

Posted by Josh A. at 08:34 PM | Comments (0)

December 12, 2005

Rich

We saw Adrienne Rich read at the Jewish Community Center tonight... Green invited me, I invited Barry, and a friend of Green's was also there. Des, unfortunately, was a little poetry'd out from the Anatomical Venus reading earlier this month.

It didn't matter that I can't understand 75% of her poetry without footnotes, because she. Was. Fabulous. It quietly exuded from her, this woman born the same year as my grandmother, who entered and exited the stage with the aid of a bright red walker.

She was well spoken and refined, very warm—not at all arrogant or pretentious—and at the same time a very powerful voice of feminism.

And I'm just amazed at lines like

...all the old knives
that have rusted in my back, I drive in yours

Probably she wrote that when she was much younger, but my only context for it is the woman I experienced tonight.

I love this quote:

Women have been the truly active people in all cultures, without whom human society would long ago have perished, though our activity has most often been on the behalf of men and children.

I can't argue with that. I wrote my grandma a thank you note that will go out in the mail tomorrow.

Posted by Josh A. at 11:05 PM | Comments (0)

It's not just me

Apparently a lot of folks have been feeling crummy or funky the last few days.

It was hardest for me on Thursday and Friday. "In a funk" is the best way to describe it, detox or not. And of course, our funk can suck those around us into a funk as well if they're not careful. I think the key for those who care about us is to refuse to be attached to "fixing" it, changing our moods, or otherwise rescuing. That so easily leads to disappointment when it doesn't work, and often an element of taking it personally.

It seems like the most appropriate approach to someone's funk is an attitude of openness, allowing them to be exactly where they are, and coming from the question, "How do you want me to be with you?" If they want help, we help them, in the way that they ask for and no other.

But I didn't want help getting out of the funk, I just wanted to know that I was still loved. To be demonstrably reassured that the love in my life is not conditional on how I'm feeling, that it's love for me and not my good moods.

Saturday started out well, but seemed to go downhill. (At least Des and I made the evening nice watching Sin City. Nothing like abject violence for one's ennui.) Today we had a fight, but we ended that well, too (I think). Nonetheless, I arrived at Barry's irritated, to find him irritated.

I think it's a hallmark of adulthood to be able to face being called on our shit without too much defensive posturing, "taking it personally", or other avoidance techniques. And yet, there's a part of me—a child part—that pouts when I'm called out.

Normally, this is fine. It's such a small thing that I don't know that I've noticed it much before.

However.

I feel like I've faced so many "growth opportunities" in the last few days, it's ridiculous. So many things to pout over recently... I experienced the overwhelm today. I spent a full three minutes giving in to the pouting, feeling it as fully as possible... and got to the underlying thought pattern.

The child part in question is the part that's so completely convinced, any time I'm confronted with my shit, that this means I'm worthless... I wrote last night about spending time in the Worth current... turns out there's some mud in the river. ;-) Anyway, the rest of the thought pattern is that "getting caught" proves that I AM shit, rather than that I simply HAVE shit. (God, who doesn't? It's not just me!)

You know, the last time the universe was bombarding me with stuff, I took some steps to clarify my intention: gentle transformation. Be careful what you ask for and all that... tricksy genies of the lamp.

Posted by Josh A. at 01:50 AM | Comments (0)

December 11, 2005

Mirror work

I went to bed very happy last night... and so woke up feeling good. We get to stay in a funk as long as we want, but we can always move out of it when we choose. Last night I did so with mirror work, which is done while looking into your own eyes using a mirror.

I've read in Louise Hay's book that saying affirmations with a mirror is much more powerful than without, but these exercises were from the Abounding River book. It outlines six "currents" of the river, one of them called Worth. Nearly every Worth spread in the workbook section contains mirror work.

Here are some of my favorites (my spirit word is "Whole/ness"):

I adore [spirit word] as the whole of life and I adore [spirit word] as me. I am [spirit word] loving having a [your name] experience.

I honor myself as a [spirit word] creation. I now promise to care for and cherish myself as the worthiness of [spirit word].

I am Spirit's masterpiece. I admire myself. I am Spirit revering itself.

That last one was the one... I know what it's like to look into somebody else's eyes and tell them how much I love them, unconditionally, to speak from my heart and move us both to tears. And I know what it's like to have somebody else look into my eyes and do the same. But I didn't know what it was like to do so with myself, until last night. That last one was the one that really did it.

I am Spirit revering itself.

Maybe sometime I'll sit and have heart circle all by myself, drop the fill-in-the-blanks and tell me what I really appreciate about me straight from my heart.

Mirror work can be difficult to get into or sustain... the ego will say anything it can to prevent it. It will tell us we're silly, or stupid... it will ask, "What would people think?" or sabatoge: "This can't possibly work or do anything useful."

When I got to that place of unconditional self-love, the voice of my ego was inaudible.

Posted by Josh A. at 12:41 AM | Comments (0)

December 09, 2005

Weird gratitudinal convergence

Thanksgiving was last month, I'm sorely out of the habit of keeping a gratitude journal, and yet here's a list of recent synchronicities so far for which I am thankful:

So why was I so fucking depressed today? What am I so angry about? And why am I punishing myself for it?

Tonight Barry suggested that it was simply detoxing from the abundance work. As I check in with myself tonight, I'm certain of it. I can stop beating myself up for today, and yet I could have moved through it more easily had I been open to awareness of this alternate story.

Oh well. Next time.

Posted by Josh A. at 02:21 AM | Comments (0)

December 04, 2005

Why people need chiropractors

When I woke up this morning, I was sitting up in bed and caught myself sitting poorly. As I straightened up, I thought about the times I've heard folks say, "Oh chiropractors say that everybody need chiropractic." as if widespread need for a thing (such as education, clean water, and love) couldn't possibly exist.

Chiropractic seems more like education than water or love, education for your body: you probably could benefit from a chiropractor if only because you probably have poor posture. Since graduating, I've been amazed at how most people are carrying themselves. And amazed that I never noticed before, but then, I didn't know what I was seeing before.

Of course, few of us were ever taught to sit, stand, or move well, unless our parents had done their work already. Otherwise, we began copying our parents and whatever postural issues they had going on.

So this is why everybody needs chiropractic? No, this is why everybody needs Feldenkrais. ;-) And whether you do chiropractic, or Feldenkrais, or both, you can blame your parents for not doing it themselves before you were born. Not that blaming them will take away the need to deal with your adult posture now. But it's a good first step to get over.

Posted by Josh A. at 08:07 AM | Comments (0)

December 03, 2005

Journeys of Spirit

Friend and I attended a wonderful showing of photographs & screening of a multimedia presentation... Journeys of Spirit, at New Spirit Church in Berkeley.

I felt extremely blessed. Extremely enriched. I left wondering if there existed—could possibly exist—a part of me that was not touched.

One of the multimedia pieces was a celebration of black women, in honor of Rosa Parks. My experience of it touched directly on a conversation I had last night, the topic of which can be summed up with example questions like: Why are there sexist gay guys? Why are there homophobic blacks?

We were wondering, who do you have to be before you're guaranteed to get it? Do black gay women get it? I mean, do you have to be left handed too? A Mac user as well? What does it take before you understand that it's all the same?

Of course the answer has more to do with how much education you've had access to than how many injustices you've faced, but the point is that as this celebration of black women—a beautiful work of photos set to song— unfolded, I felt celebrated. "Nobody's smarter than you, sister", "Nobody's more qualified than you" the song sang, affirming that we are all equal before god and the law.

So I laughed and cried and joyed multiple times. I'm asking Des for the DVD for Xmas. He'll probably read it here before I get a chance. Des, buy me the DVD for Xmas. I'll give you the number to call.

And this way, we'll get a chance to share it still. After going, I think he really would have liked it... but who can know ahead of time? Photos, video, DVD, all in one night! All things he's been working on with his computer and such.

Anyway, there was so much more today, but it's late and I'm dead tired and I have a phone meeting in the morning. And then a wine tasting in the afternoon :-) Yay. Ok, sleep. Now.

Posted by Josh A. at 11:02 PM | Comments (0)

Being nice to my body

My body's pretty pleased with me this week, I think... first, I finally stopped using aluminum-based deodorant... which means I stopped using an antiperspirant. I've been really resistant to this, even though numerous people have urged me away from my clear gel Mitchum. I finally muscle tested it, though, and my body was pretty clear that they were right.

So I'm trying out one of those crystal salt rocks. I'm worried about the sweat thing, but a friend of mine said when he switched, his body sweated more than usual for a bit, but then calmed down. Anyway, the crystal seems to be working just fine for odor control so far.

Plus, I smell good anyway, because I also stopped using fake soap (the stuff in the grocery stores). I got a natural bar with powdered sandalwood in it, which is great. Most "sandalwood" soaps are scented with synthetic fragrance oils, because sandalwood is expensive. Using powdered allows the maker to offer a highly scented, authentic soap at a less expensive price (compared to using essential oils). It really seems to result in a more scented, perhaps more authentic Josh as well ;-) Either way, I smell like sandalwood.

FYI, most things sold as soap in the conventional grocery store are really what the industry calls "syndet bars", short for "synthetic detergent. These can have, technically, some soap (only in the chemical, "fatty acid salt", sense) in them, but they are usually not primarily soap. Plus, real soap (in the "bar of stuff I clean myself with" sense) has good stuff in it (naturally) besides what chemists call soap, for example glycerin, which the commercial soap industry removes because it's more profitable to sell it on its own than leave it in the bars.

Other weird disconnects between advertising and label ingredients exist as well. For example, a group of soapmakers dissected the label on a Dove bar for me, and we couldn't find any moisturizer in it, let alone 1/4 of the bar worth.

Posted by Josh A. at 08:09 AM | Comments (1)