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November 29, 2005
Joy versus happiness
Tonight I felt the deep joy that comes from doing things, for lack of a better word, "right". Not an abstract "right" versus "wrong", but right as in, "taking the right course to get where I want to go"... driving down another street isn't wrong, it just goes somewhere that's not my destination.
I had to talk to Des about our relationship, and I felt really nervous beforehand. I really just did not want to get into it—the fear that says, "Just leave well enough alone." When things are going good, it can be hard to "rock the boat", even when it's to take things (eventually) to an even better place.
One issue is that I've been redefining my commitment to myself and my relationships. The new commitment, as learned from my friend Barry, is to continually ask the questions, "Is this a healthy relationship?" and, if not, "How can it become one?"
Perhaps the first question is really, "Is this relationship as healthy and fulfilling as it could be?", and it will not doubt be a long time, if ever, before needing to ask the second question isn't always a given.
Anyway, while I'm not happy about everything that we talked about, I am overjoyed about all of it. I'm really glad to have talked about things I needed to talk about, when I needed to talk about them—not holding them in and waiting, which usually makes things worse in the end ("Why didn't you tell me sooner?!"), speaking from my heart (not just my head), hearing with my heart, and hearing from Desmond's heart.
Something I'm craving in all of my relationships is intimacy, and I received it tonight.
This all reminds me of what Covey describes in his 7 Habits book about living a Principle-centered life... I'm loathe to admit it, and my tendency to be Pleasure-centered seems particularly incorrigible... but I do have the distinctly satisfying sense that none of the details "matter", that nothing but good can come of tonight's conversation, because it was the "right" thing to do.
It's just so different from my old way of being, which was characterized by the questions, "What do I want?" and "How can I get it?" Those questions may pave the right road to fleeting pleasures, maybe even temporary happiness, but they didn't lead me to joy very reliably.
Looks like it's time to try something else, or rather, that trying something else seems to be paying off well so far.
The really beautiful thing is how much energy I have. After tonight's conversation, it's obvious that there's work ahead, and the road may be a bit bumpy, at least in the short term... and yet, I don't feel weighed down by any of it, or resistant to the prospect. I feel ready to take it on, to do whatever it takes.
It feels like the destination is now simply the natural consequence of the trip I want to take, rather than the other way around. This is where the road & destination metaphor fails a bit, because wanting the destination was never enough for me to take the right course. Now that the trip—living in integrity, creating health in my relationships, being open hearted and in connection—is its own "destination", that I get to go where it takes me has become simply a wonderful bonus.
Posted by Josh A. at November 29, 2005 12:13 AM
Comments
"I'm really glad to have talked about things I needed to talk about, when I needed to talk about them—not holding them in and waiting, which usually makes things worse in the end ("Why didn't you tell me sooner?!")"
I totally agree with this! Just getting everything out there is so cathartic and makes everything so much better. Great post, so glad you talked about what you needed to talk about.
Posted by: Ari Moore at November 30, 2005 12:34 PM