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May 31, 2005

Movement

First and foremost: we got our new apartment. Yay. I'm not sure what the time schedule is, we have to meet soon and sign the lease, starting July 1st. Hopefully they'll allow us to move some boxes in during June, we can give our 30 day notice, and not have to pay rent twice in a month.

Yesterday I had an interview, of sorts anyway... at a salon in the Castro. It was kinda weird, on the waiting room couch in front of employees and customers. But, I'm supposed to call on Wednesday to give a sample session. So that sounds like progress.

Renting my own space is so close I can taste it... I'm waiting for a rental agreement to be emailed to me, so I can sign it and trade a check for a set of keys. In the meantime, I've been working on designing the collateral (which is design-speak for "brochures and such").

Last night's pasta was trenette with raspberry chipotle sauce. It wasn't bad, but the raspberry taste got lost... the sweetness balanced the acidity of the tomatoes though. I also used some white flour in the dough... not my preference, but I didn't have enough kamut left. Next time.

The stress is getting to Des and I. Patience, I guess... but I feel like I've lost my stamina for it all. I'm tired of looking, looking, looking, feeling like I can't purchase "extra" things like face scrub because I have no steady income, and falling into the trap of acting out of our fears instead of supporting each other through them.

In the last week or so, some old patterns have resurfaced. Some are behavioral, such as sleeping late. Others are cognitive/emotional, like my sporadic desire to "run away". The nice thing is that they no longer hold the same power they used to. It's been a little scary, especially being more aware of them than I ever used to be.

But, for example, the escape fantasies feel less real and less exciting, more empty and obvious; the desire is less intense. And when I'm feeling depleted or depressed, I noticed today that I don't feel "stuck" in it. I know I can get myself out of it, rebalanced, it's just a matter of caring (loving) enough to do it.

Maintaining a daily practice of self-love continues to be key. If I could give the people who care about me an operative understanding of how they could help, I could get that supportive love from others. I'm just not sure how to teach it, especially to people as stressed out as I am.

I have visceral experiences of my truth: that right feeling produces right action, not the other way around. That I have to love myself and others just the way they are first, and then things can change. And this seems so foreign to most people. I've struggled in the past with people whose actions seemed to demonstrate that their belief was, "If you do the right things, then you'll feel good. Then you (and others) can love you."

I suppose that could really seem true for some people, but it doesn't seem to work for me. For years it's only gotten me to places I never wanted to be. I've seen the most positive change in my life exercising love & acceptance first. I suppose the next step is accepting my life and the people in it right now, in this time of major transition, loving that, and going from there.

Posted by Josh A. at 03:41 PM | Comments (0)

May 29, 2005

Beer bust

Well I'm at the beer bust. Thank god for wireless mobile internet.

Beer smells bad.
Drugs bore me.
People annoy me.

Jay's here with me, but I'm in no place for witty repartee. The music prevents any meaningful conversation anyway.

Soon I get to go home. I bought a pasta machine today. I have sheets of kamut dough and apricot filling waiting.

Posted by Josh A. at 05:47 PM | Comments (2)

May 18, 2005

Today's snack

Creme fraiche, horseradish dijon mustard, morbier cheese, tomato, and watercress on spelt bread.

Posted by Josh A. at 03:01 PM | Comments (0)

May 14, 2005

Job huntin'

Well, I didn't have a job waiting for me. The spa I was most interested in has filled their positions. Another place I called is "overwhelmed" with resumes.

Looks like this is going to be harder than I thought, with the hard part being setting myself apart from the crowd.

Anyway, I've posted my resume to craigslist. Hire me. http://www.craigslist.org/sfc/res/73392723.html

Posted by Josh A. at 05:56 PM | Comments (0)