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February 19, 2005
Landing into Quarter 3
Got back to Heartwood Thursday night, and I finally feel like I've "arrived".
This morning I switched rooms with the old RA... one of the benefits of being RA is living in the RA room, which is large and comes with its own phone. Everything's still a mess, but it's all moved.
After lunch, Jana and I created an iPod playlist for tonight's dance party... what an odd mix... house, trance, world, latin, 80s, 90s, disco, and more.
After dinner, we set up the Barn with Silas and Jamie, planning lights, putting up decorations, dealing with music and lighting logistics.
At 8:00 people began to filter in for the show. Jana and Silas were doing warmup acrobatics, Silas put a nail into his skull, they did their awesome acrobatics routine, and then Silas put himself through a tennis racket while balanced on Jana's feet. A volunteer was intertwined in there somehow. Even though I've been in the position, I still don't quite understand it ;-)
Then Jana announced the party, I put on a Tori remix, and the dance lights came on.
Can I just say that the new group of students is amazing? They're all beautiful, and there are some really big energy people that should help support the group as they all open up. Not that they're not great at it already... I watched a number of them leave at the end of the evening more open than they were when they walked in.
I'm really enjoying being able to help facilitate this transition, and feel like we're doing a good job of filling in some things I felt were missing from my own Heartwood introduction. The faculty pieces, like orientation, were superb... but social integration was less than smooth.
A number of us started the process of opening to these new arrivals weeks ago, before break. I feel like this has made it so much easier to me to hold space for the new changes and new people.
Tomorrow is the ice cream social... it's my major piece... I get to do a silly ice breaker, get people to circle and say their names for the thousandth time, go over campus policies and the like, and formally introduce new and old students who haven't yet met.
After the party we cleaned up a bit, and then talked... it felt so full of heart. I was called a "pillar" (of the community, which was a really nice stroke) and told that I had to stay for the fourth quarter *laugh* I joked that I was already calculating each person's share of 4th quarter costs, and that whoever ponies up the amount gets to complain.
I have received, and continue to receive, so much here... and so I try to give back, where I can. But staying the fourth quarter just doesn't seem to be for me. And simply to contribute to the community, in the limited ways afforded a student, does not resonate with me as a reason not to graduate at the end of this quarter.
I'll definitely be sad to go, and will probably always wonder what I missed. And I'll miss my classmates. Missing people is pretty new to me. It started when I came here and eventually began missing Des. And then on breaks missed people from Heartwood. And part of me is like, "Shit, shit." My old pattern has been to be so focused with what's in front of me that I let the rest of the universe attend to itself.
Not everyone's returned yet, and I want them to. I can't wait to sit in a circle with them all again on Monday. We are so beautiful. When I look at people here, I seem to pay more attention to their strengths. I know their weaknesses--wisdom yet to be remembered--are there, but I find them less interesting. I'm interested in what they give me, and what I hope I give them... who they are, and what they're great at.
This seems to be what part of being open, being unconditionally loving, is about. It seems so difficult to do in every day life. Our class' orientation, back in August, certainly gave ME an object lesson in not paying attention to first impressions--first judgments, rather--as over the past two quarters I watched, first my own ideas about my classmates, and then their own ideas about themselves, transform, drop away, sanded and smoothed and polished as the Heartwood wave washes over us.
That's my number one fear in not staying for the fourth quarter: will I be "done" enough? New enough? Ready to go BE in the world?
I have a core issue I'm working on... it seems like THE core issue. It's some kind of wily, slippery, existential-angsty, lack of motivation BIG BLACK TENTACLED THING that comes up every once in a while. It can be devastating. Past experience says I will not be successful. Past experience shows that when confronted with the sink-or-swim real life living, I won't kick my feet or move my arms. Not even half-heartedly.
Every time I feel in touch with it, each time I can say "Oh. Still there.", I feel utterly defeated. And then none of my successes seem to matter. Nothing that's changed in the past six months gives me hope. "It doesn't matter how much I change until I change this." When I sit with my issue, I sit in grim resignation to its power over my life.
So. Is three months enough? To shift what seems so unsolvable? (My issue seems to have a greater will to live than I do.) What can I do in one final quarter? Part of me wonders, if three quarters isn't enough, can four really be?
A truth is: I'm sad that I don't seem to have the resources, both economic and social, to stay.
Posted by Josh A. at February 19, 2005 11:47 PM
Comments
Its kind of funny but this morning I had spam in my journal again. it did have a saying attached which I thought was rather fitting. It said "When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong". I wont attach the link ;-)
Sometimes its hard to look to the future when we have spent so much time in the past. Sometimes its about letting go of whats behind us and finding the confidence and strength to move forward. Its not about what you *did*, but rather about what you will do. Keep those dreams alive and dont let em die because of history, otherwise they wont be given a chance to survive.
Im here to help you through it and keep you going. If not for strength but inspiration as well. I believe in you Josh and know you will be successful.
All my love,
Desmond
Posted by: Des at February 20, 2005 06:29 AM
yeow! what you describe (very well by the way)..i don't think its only you, in fact, i know its not only you. you describe a core issue i feel as well. we can share more in person, i am sure...time for pathology class!
Posted by: janadae at February 22, 2005 03:51 PM