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February 28, 2005
It was SO Monday today
What's up with this particular Monday? I'm not the only one who felt it, and Heartwood doesn't seem to be the only place that experienced it. From Desmond's rough day to Rochester's snow storm, it was SO Monday it hurt.
Sprint update: the phones have been found and are being overnighted to the West coast. However, they have 585 area codes (Rochester, NY), not 415 (San Francisco) as requested. Can Sprint do ANYTHING right?
I woke up at 4:30am for some reason... did some Pathology homework, went to yoga. I was able to really enjoy yoga, by simply doing my own thing whenever the instructions got too rambunctious and maintaining a sattvic state.
We did more Connective Tissue work in class this morning, practicing our ribs and arms again and adding anterior legs. I believe tomorrow we start Deep Tissue on the anterior legs.
I spent my breaks dealing with the phone issue, coordinating their retrieval and shipping. When I receive mine, I'm going to call Sprint and ream somebody.
After lunch was Clinical Practicum class... we reviewed our sessions from Friday and talked about issues, questions, logistics. And Amy brought in an amazing chocolate cake ;-)
When class was over, I hung around and talked with Amy about my little black monster and the story behind it. I drew a picture of it on the whiteboard for her and we did some impromptu art therapy, giving it new (heart-shaped) tools, adding color, drawing a heart around it.
I went to the business office, mailroom, and store. Took care of shit.
The Community Meeting (to discuss the ongoing issues and drama) which was scheduled for Monday and then rescheduled for Thursday (on account of Deep Tissue Supervised practice on Monday) has been re-rescheduled for next Thursday (on account of Planned Parenthood this Thursday). I informed Peter that Deep Tissue was willing to do SP on Wednesday night, and he may call the Director to see if we can't do it next Monday.
You know, this whole scheduling mess is completely indicative of precisely one of the major problems facing Heartwood: students have no voice, predominately (I believe) because no ear is given them. Scheduling decisions were made, remade, and remade again without ever checking in with the students. If that would have happened, we would have had this meeting tonight, as originally planned, rather than next week.
I keep hearing the idea that students are "already busy enough" without having to "worry" about such presumably mundane and/or stressful concerns, but I feel that communicating with a busy person is much more respectful to their schedule than creating a mess out of their calendar. Any student inclined to be an ostrich is probably plenty good at sticking their head in the sand when they need.
On the bright side, Playnight is on for this Thursday, and it's Peter and Brian's birthdays. wOOt!
Anyway, back to my day. I knew I was forgetting something. Finally found out: I completely spaced on my 4:00pm appointment with the Education Director to discuss this whole RA thing. Ran down and talked to her, have to reschedule tomorrow. Remembered something else and ran back to the store.
Le sigh.
Came back to my room and had about half an hour before dinner. Spent it on the phone with my grandma and Desmond.
After dinner was Deep Tissue practice. That was a good learning experience, but still work. Afterward, I was pretty much DONE for the day. I can finish Pathology tomorrow after lunch.
Walked down with Shannon & Kelly (new student, Shannon's friend from Alaska), Steve, and Cristina (also a new student, one who's name I'm unsure how to spell.) We watched The End of the World and other short movies.
Great way to relax for a bit. Now it's time for BED.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:25 PM | Comments (0)
February 27, 2005
Productive Sunday?
I woke up today feeling some familiar feelings, lack of motivation, etc... I managed to move through them for the most part, staying pretty on top of things. I'm into Week 3's coloring assignments, halfway through the Pathology reading for the coming week, working steadily on a client's website, and still enjoying life ;-)
The main challenge for the day was completing a session for Deep Tissue. I really didn't want to. We haven't learned anything "real" yet... the assignment was to choose one or two of the following: blindfolded palpation, deep tissue stroke practice, or connective tissue stroke practice. I'm tired of practicing strokes... hopefully tomorrow we get into actually using them.
So the whole day I was slightly nervous over whether or not I was actually going to do a session. In the end, I did, and I made it more useful to me by soliciting constant feedback on the pressure from my kind table angel... allowed me to experiment with different "tools" (fist, knuckles, forearm, palm, thumbs, etc) and hear how each affected the client's experience.
It feels really good to have everything on track for tomorrow, know that I have time tomorrow to prepare for Tuesday, and so on and so forth. It looks like I also have a chance to get ahead of the game, and I find that encouraging as well.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:25 PM | Comments (0)
February 26, 2005
Lost and found
Not much to report today... spent hours with Jana and Silas working on our Business Class project (business cards) and hanging out.
There's a huge black widow hanging out in one corner of my room. I asked Shannon to take care of it, who was planning to somehow coax it onto a stick and then take it outside. However, when he tried this the spider attacked the stick, then ran and hid inside my wall heater.
Next stop: death. Tonight I had a talk with it and explained that it was welcome to live somewhere other than my room, and that I appreciated its services, again in locations other than my room. I then made it plain that if it's not gone tomorrow, Shannon's coming back to kill it.
And THEN some crazy black-brown spider came into my room, running across the floor, and I trapped it under a cup. Sliding a postcard under it, I lifted it to eye level and told THAT one, "I'm letting you go, so you can tell all your spider kind to stay out of my room. The next spider I see in here DIES."
I appreciate that spiders kill and eat bugs that I desire even less (if possible) to be in my room. So I like spiders... I don't want to kill them. But more than that, I don't want them living with me.
After dinner, Sarah showed us her copies of this magazine called Found... basically, people find stuff (love notes, homework, email print outs) and mail it to Found, who compiles it and publishes it.
Really insane stuff, like "Happy fathers day to you, even though you said I can't cook and the pie I made was awful." and long scrawling journal entries by 14 year old boys about the girls who wouldn't make out with them. A hilarious "Lost Cat" poster which said "I don't have a photo of her, so I drew her" and the drawing is like this psychotic anorexic feline with 3 inch fangs.
I'm actually really jealous that I didn't think of this idea first. I want to publish found things.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:08 PM | Comments (1)
February 25, 2005
Drama, clinic, love
Post-session, not only did I go to bed at 10, I did my "nightly" Reiki for the first time since being here this quarter, and this morning I woke up an hour before my alarm clock and did my morning energy tuneup, also for the first time this quarter.
Making it to breakfast for the first time in a long time was nice, and necessary: last night eating dinner up in the library, someone mentioned that someone else had been fired. Drama. The person who supposedly had been fired has been key for the students, and the only reason to fire her would be to stifle that particular voice. I heard a kitchen staff member resigned immediately over it. I also heard that some of the staff had met to discuss it, and talk of some of them resigning may have come up.
I had a dream about the whole thing last night, and this morning in the bathroom I saw one of the staff and confirmed everything with him. At breakfast a group of my classmates were talking about it, and I joined them... another staff member overheard me and took my concerns about being heard to the Director. I know at least one other student approached that staff member directly to express concerns as well.
At lunch, the staff member came back to me and said simply "Your concerns have been heard." (By dinner, there were signs up announcing a Community Meeting, hosted by the Director, on Monday after dinner. FINALLY. I am so sick of not having such a voice on campus.)
After lunch I talked with the person who was fired, and confirmed much of what I had been hearing. Not only did she give me her side of the story, but also a greater understanding of the other side of it.
Of course, this will be interesting: I'm good at articulating my points; I'm not so good at politics. I tend to alienate people, backing them into a corner without giving them an out. Instead of allowing them to be the good guy, I've given them the choice between having their ego trampled or resisting me. Guess which one people usually choose?
So I get another chance to work on that.
I'd like to note that this entire issue and the way it will be handled will definitely have an impact on whether or not I stay for the fourth quarter. I've felt like these problems (and this person getting fired is merely a symptom of the structural/organizational problems at Heartwood that I've seen since first quarter) have been ignored, and I hope that the for-profit business side of Heartwood cannot afford to ignore them.
Today was the first day of Clinical Practicum. Three paying clients came and the two other 9-month students and I gave 'em sessions, took their money, and ran. To our clinic supervisor, who collected the money and gave us back $4 each for laundry. Apparently some (much?) of the remainder goes into our graduation fund.
The folks were really nice, the sessions went well, and the week finally "ends". Two whole days to do MORE sessions, homework, and everything else that comprises my overextended, insane life.
After dinner I checked on a student I was supposed to help, but was unable to find him... so I ended up playing Taboo in the Lodge. Warren has declared Fridays "Game Night", which, as the honorary Director of Gaming, I suppose is his prerogative. ;-)
Oh, Maintenance put up my wall shelf and fixed my coat hook rack! My room is looking so much cleaner. I just have to do something about the stacks of papers and periodicals and binders and folders in the middle of the floor. I see some framed photos in there, a notebook or five, a CD case, Crest White Strips, etc. MESS.
There is, however, enough room to do some simple yoga. And once I get it cleaned up, I'll be able to do sessions in here. Oh, when I get a table that is. *sigh* Do they have to be such an"investment"? And so hard to shop for?
I think I want to name my pet monster something guttural and unspellable. Something akin to "Grahal-raarrl-rrrr". I'm also working on giving it a new job. Something like, "To remind me to love myself in ways other than fucking up my life."
And finally, Soyka gave me a book today: Teachings on Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh. I've only cracked it, to read a little about Sangha, or spiritual community, and love that I have a copy. I think I'm going to put it next to my bed with Utne for bedtime reading.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:02 PM | Comments (2)
February 24, 2005
Wrapping up my third week one (almost)
I had a small "bodywork school success": I "got it" in class fairly easily today, which has not been my pattern.
We started Connective Tissue, which involves stretching (tearing?) fascia by pinning it down and moving it. It turns out that Warren is an excellent teacher, and when he described precisely what he was doing that I wasn't in terms of actual physical/bodily adjustments (increase the angle of this joint, start medially and then rotate laterally, etc) it suddenly started working. I didn't have to stumble upon the correct method myself.
I still feel like a "special needs student", but whatever. Can't be helped. I approached Warren after class and thanked him for the extra help. I'm now the student who has his hand up every five minutes so the teacher can come over and hold it. So not used to "school" being in the category "challenging".
Glad I'm not the only one here who chose bodywork school precisely because it would push their envelope ;-)
I had another vegan moment... when I saw Kudra had bought turkey at the store, I got a little excited.
Until I smelled it.
Remind me not to buy any prepackaged cold cuts. Ever.
The other 9-month students, Teal and Kudra, and I had lunch with Amy to go over Clinical Practicum info for tomorrow. Turns out we'll be meeting with her each Monday to debrief our sessions, and on Fridays Bess will supervise our two clinic sessions. In addition to that, we need to give five sessions to each of two regulars, which means the average weekly load is 3 sessions, in addition to 3 sessions of Deep Tissue, for a total of 6 per week! Ack!
Staying for the fourth quarter (and doing Clinic then) doesn't get you out of 6 sessions a week, but you get to do it without any science classes. Last quarter, all the graduating students talked about how fourth quarter was their easiest (and that included Clinic). So by doing the 3-quarter program I'm taking a less-easy quarter and adding more on top of it.
Welcome to my life?
Sprint is a ridiculous company. I ordered two cell phones from them on the 10th, and they couldn't send them where I wanted them (San Francisco), they "had" to send them to the billing address of the credit card (Roseville). Fine. As I was ordering business accounts, I also had to give them our business address.
Well, they haven't shown up. On Monday and Tuesday I emailed and left voicemail, and on Wednesday my sales rep emailed me with the tracking number showing that the phones had been delivered on the 14th IN NEW YORK.
Oh my god. We didn't have anyone at that address on that day to sign for the package. (It's February, Bruce is in Florida with our clients.) What's this in the tracking data about "FRONT DOOR"? Have my very expensive phones just been lying on a porch in upstate New York for TEN DAYS? How do we know someone hasn't just come and stolen the package?
I blame Sprint squarely: not only would they not do what I needed them to do, they didn't even do what they said they would do. I wrote them an email, and they haven't responded. It'll be interesting to see how this all turns out.
Yay first day of Business Class. Jamie from the Education Office teaches it, and the textbook is written by Cherie Sohnen-Moe (who presented a workshop on Marketing at the AOBTA Conference).
We did an exercise on "what do you want out of life?", "what do you want to achieve?", etc... risky, questions like that... great potential for lameness. But it ended up very uplifting. Discussing the questions with each other really reminded me of the desires and values I tend to "forget". It's so easy to get caught up in consumerism, financial concerns, and the like.
At dinner I got my plate of food, covered it with another plate, and stashed it for later. Then I met Soyka for my session.
I moved a great deal of energy... and supported myself in being pretty non-verbal afterward. I ate my dinner up in the library mostly in silence, skipped the remainder of playnight to come back to my room, and ended up just reading Utne in bed until around 9:45.
The image of this big black tentacled monster has become a lot smaller... it's almost cute now. I was caught in "I want to make it go away" and Soyka suggested loving it and giving it a new job instead. I heard Tom in my head saying "Duh..." :-)
Damn, that diaphragm work sure gave new meaning to the affirmation "I love myself deeply...."
Posted by Josh A. at 09:50 PM | Comments (0)
February 23, 2005
More firsts, more on old news resurfaced
Today Warren admitted it: "I'm into pain," he said.
So I added that to the list of likes.
Today was the first day of Excercise Therapy class. Yet another one I'm really excited about... it's all about how to give homework to our clients ;-) We'll be learning more about "body reading", orthopedic testing, and of course which exercises help which issues.
Also the first day of Anatomy & Physiology 3. It's the same basic format as the previous A&P classes, with homework questions, coloring book assignments, and tests.
Today was pretty cool, though... Soyka read us an article on "the effects of massage", all about what different studies have shown, and we talked about it as we went through it.
We ended class watching an old National Geographic film from the 70s on "the body"... bad hair, mustaches, crazy music, and some really awesome x-ray movies, cameras in various body cavities and organs, and other amazing stuff.
After dinner was a new thing called Essence... the founder of Heartwood and his wife lead chants and songs in the Temple. I almost didn't go, and was really glad I did. It was quite the mix, and over 25 people showed up. The Temple has good acoustics, so that many people singing together was fantastic.
I'm scheduled for a session with Soyka tomorrow. Oh. my. god. I can hardly wait. Sometimes we just really need help, you know?
That reminds me: I had thought I had put the issue of the fourth quarter to bed, then I felt waffly on it when i got back.
The almost-most-recent update is that on Monday, I believe, I asked myself "So what if someone called offering to write a check... either to Heartwood for the fourth quarter, or to an ortho-bionomist for the 500 hour basic training?" and the answer was quick and decisive: See ya, Heartwood.
The most recent update is that tonight I was telling someone about it, and the answer wasn't so quick or decisive. And he thought I should make a decision without considering the money, and then try to make the money work.
Again, I could finish this quarter, and THEN still stay for the fourth quarter. I suppose I can wait to see how work on my core issue proceeds. The fact of the matter is: the core issue is nothing that can be dismissed by mere words of encouragement from someone else, and unless it is resolved, the last 9 months, all the time, the money, the stress, and the hardship on my relationship will not have accomplished the number one goal of coming here: enabling me to start a career and support myself with a decent income. And I will be right back where I was in Rochester, only with more debt.
This is not merely worrying about the future based on the past... this is based on feelings I have felt this week, feelings I recognize. I'm really hesitant to accept that anyone can relate to this unless they can describe their experiences with it in a way that sounds sufficiently similar to my own. A truth is: I don't believe very many people have honestly had this issue, not in the ways I have. I'm not saying I believe I'm alone in it, just that the guest list is pretty short.
But, I did battle with it all last quarter. I didn't just give up. Let's see how my session goes.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:04 PM | Comments (0)
February 22, 2005
Blindfolds, pathologies, and play
First, linkage: another from BoingBoing, on the New Zealand Health and Safety Manual for prostitutes. When a government writes about dildos, it's gotta be good.
Well today we actually got on the tables in Deep Tissue!
And then we blindfolded ourselves.
Mm... not as hot as it sounds. Palpating backs blindly isn't my idea of fun, although it was a valuable experience.
The positives: I felt more aware of my body and body mechanics in some ways and less aware in others. Exploring the bony landmarks and having to rely on my tactile memory of them rather than my sight was interesting. While stripping the layers of muscles with my fingers, I think I was able to pay more attention to what I was feeling and get a better "read" on what was going on in my partner's body.
The only negative really was trying to use my forearm and elbow, tools I'm not really comfortable with, blind. I got frustrated with it and gave up pretty quickly.
In keeping with today's activities, I brought Aleksey, my stuffed Chesire cat toy, to class... he has a custom-made leather harness and padlocked chain collar, all by Leather Masters in San Jose.
So far on the lists of things Warren likes: blindfolds, fists, and stripping.
First day of Pathology, yay. I'm really excited about this class. I realize that I've always enjoyed reading about how the human body works and doesn't work. I'm also really feeling a desire for more grounding in massage indications and contraindications, and that's exactly what this class is for.
The cool part is not only learning about the diseases from a Western allopathic perspective, but being able to bring other viewpoints to the table... TCM is the most commonly talked about here, because of the Asian Healing Arts program, but Paul's book also takes Ayurveda into account, and I still enjoy referencing Louise Hay at times.
We're required to give two five-minute presentations on chosen pathologies (I picked fibromyalgia for this half of the quarter), with an accompanying paper. Class will be conducted in a seminar/discussion format... each week we're required to read about pathologies of a particular system, outline 3 of them, and come to class prepared to discuss them. Sounds like a really effective way to both learn the material and bring our own personal backgrounds, experiences, and opinions into the class.
At dinner Jana and I did further planning for Play Night, including visioning, nailing down a time and place, writing up a notice on the Lodge whiteboard, and checking with the Welcome Center on using the space. We still need to create posters and make announcements at dinner tomorrow and the next night.
We thought of calling it Deep Play instead, but worried about turning people off. Sometimes it seems like everything at Heartwood has to be deep, and people sometimes get weary of that. I myself do not generally experience that kind of overdose, but I'm in the minority. And Play Night can be as deep--or not--as one wants it, depending on how one is feeling that week. Although I wonder if levity and transformation can't ever be partners. Movement Magic seems to do a decent enough job blending the two.
Anyway... afterward, we had an impromptu dance party in the student store, and ended up in her cabinette talking. At some point Silas got home and joined us... it's really nice talking with them into the night, even when Jana falls asleep ;-) Silas gifted me twice, first offering me the privilege of being one of the readers of the rough draft of his novel (I think he's past 200 pages already), and then again, thanking me for the conversation and expressing how much he enjoyed talking with me. Aww. Likewise, likewise.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:49 PM | Comments (0)
February 21, 2005
First day of the Third Quarter, woot
First up, linkage. And on deck, something I like to call "We Are So Dumb". Yup... when we create a fleet of dangerously oversized vehicles, allow any fool to purchase them regardless of their driving skill (and please, how many times have you seen someone precariously trying to park... or unpark... in one of these things?), and then try to fix it all with a website and public education campaign--Hey, be careful with these monsters!--then you know: We are so dumb.
Second, OTHER people being smart, blurb at BoingBoing. When communist guerilla fighters get it and the world's strongest empire doesn't, then you know: We are so dumb.
So today was the first day of class. Yay. All I really had today was Deep Tissue in the morning and Deep Tissue Practice after dinner. Normally there would be a Clinical Practicum in the afternoon, but this week that's on Thursday.
First day of class is always slow, mostly talking, going over the syllabus and introductory stuff. This looks like it will be the most challenging class yet. We have to be spot on with our knowledge of muscles, their attachments, and actions. Warren, the instructor, said that he felt "deep tissue" was a misleading title, and that the class would be more aptly called "specific tissue"... that means if we don't know where things are, specifically, we can't do the work.
I took the free afternoon to mostly clean my room. I made quite a dent in it, but there's more to go.
About an hour before dinner, Jamison invited me to... climb trees(!). I was never much of a tree climber as a kid, but there are wonderful trees here. We sat up in the branches and talked about our wonderful Valentines days, break, the near future, and suchlike.
There was the best tofu ever at dinner... marinated in a sesame sauce. Normally I don't eat much tofu... technically, it's not a whole food, and so not the best for people generally... and with it's cooling thermal nature, it's not that great for me specifically. But this was so good... I put some ginger powder on it to warm it up.
I overheard Paul telling a kitchen staff member that tempeh and natto are really the best of the soy products... and I was reading in his book last night that tempeh, when made properly, is a B12 source. B12 sidebar: nutritional yeast is a good source, and vegetarians & vegans on a whole foods diet need less B12 than meat eaters, although they should still get their levels checked. Apparently it's also not a good idea to take a B complex, but to supplement B12 by itself.
I've been reading online about glyconutrients... something Paul said he's very interested in. "They" say that only 2 of an essential 8 are present in the mainstream American diet, although it looks like 4 are present in a varied whole foods vegetarian diet, 6 if you consume kelp and shitakes regularly. That leaves N-acetyl-galactosamine, present in a red algae called Dumontiaceae--apparently hard to get outside of Japan--and N-acetylneuraminic acid, aka sialic acid, in whey protein isolate and hens eggs.
Well any isolate is simply unacceptable... the antithesis of whole foods... you know when researchers first began to show that soy helped reduce breast cancer, companies flooded the market with soy extracts and isolates... until some scientist found that, while whole soy improved cancer conditions, soy isolates did nothing at best, and actually increased cancer growth at worst.
Whole foods are incredibly complex, and scientific understanding of how they affect our bodies is still actually quite limited. What we do understand is that breaking wholes up into parts and consuming the result seems to have very negative effects.
Anyway, hen eggs are something I (and probably most Americans should) try to avoid... so that leaves one glyconutrient conspicuously missing, even from a non-vegetarian diet (I'd sooner eat chicken than eggs).
Our bodies can manufacture them, although the process itself is unhealthful--it's much better for us to consume them pre-made. Perhaps it's enough to get 7 out of the 8 in order to effect shifts in one's health.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:04 PM | Comments (4)
February 20, 2005
Revisiting Q1
I was reading a past entry and saw where I wrote about Play Night, moving, dancing, and the like:
... sometimes I feel REALLY "insensitive". I know the word has some specific negative connotations, but I invite you to ignore all of that and consider the denotation. I've channeled so much energy into my eyes, as a visual learner and as a graphic designer. Now I'm asking myself to learn to sense things, usually very subtle things, with other parts of my body and being. And my inadequacies are being thrown into high relief at times.And this too shall pass, yes? I'll slowly develop (regain?) these sensitivities and be on to the next challenge soon enough.
Well, it hasn't passed yet. I actually talked with Jana about this after the dance party on Saturday, and she said I'm getting better. I just don't see it myself. I've seen improvement on a lot of fronts, from bodywork and body mechanics to just plain dancing and non-verbal expressing.
At least I have a better handle on what the task is... it's a matter of tuning in to and with other people, non-verbally... and of resonating, reflecting our energies between each other. In other terms, it's what makes two people dancing together look hot or not.
Lest you think that be its only purpose... which, mind you, should be reason enough to pursue it ;-) ...the skills involved are important for whole-body listening in client/therapist interaction, creating a feeling of safety for the client quickly and easily, and ensuring accurate two way communication before, during, and after sessions.
So let's pencil that in for slot number 2 on the Prioritized Issues List. Big Scary Core Issue remains at the top.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:43 PM | Comments (0)
Ice cream social
Oh the things one does to earn one's RA keep: Made the announcement at dinner (my first announcement, oh boy). Helped set up ice cream and spoons and bowls and whatnot. Walked up to the store for extra ice cream and cookies. Passed out animal cards--people got to ask yes or no questions to try and guess each other's animals. Circled people up about 40 minutes into the evening so we could all say our names and check in a bit. Went over campus policies, fielded a few questions, triple-emphasized quiet hours. And viola. Ice cream social.
I've decided to make "high fashion" the theme of the quarter... I wish I had thought of it before the social. I would have liked to introduce myself thusly: "Hello, my name is Josh and I'll be your RA for the Spring season. In a few moments, we're going to go over some of the hottest trends from Paris, Milan, Tokyo, and Garberville, but first..." Nice to present campus regs as "fashionable trends" rather than "rules".
Instead of "how you're feeling right now", check in could have been "your vision for this season" *laugh*. "Open, opening, light, lots of light. Deep, uhh... is my word du jour."
It's not too late. Plenty of posters need a-doin', and now I have a design direction. Grrr. Massage therapists do not have "design directions". Oh well... there are designer-psychologists, there can be designer-massage therapists.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:49 PM | Comments (1)
February 19, 2005
Landing into Quarter 3
Got back to Heartwood Thursday night, and I finally feel like I've "arrived".
This morning I switched rooms with the old RA... one of the benefits of being RA is living in the RA room, which is large and comes with its own phone. Everything's still a mess, but it's all moved.
After lunch, Jana and I created an iPod playlist for tonight's dance party... what an odd mix... house, trance, world, latin, 80s, 90s, disco, and more.
After dinner, we set up the Barn with Silas and Jamie, planning lights, putting up decorations, dealing with music and lighting logistics.
At 8:00 people began to filter in for the show. Jana and Silas were doing warmup acrobatics, Silas put a nail into his skull, they did their awesome acrobatics routine, and then Silas put himself through a tennis racket while balanced on Jana's feet. A volunteer was intertwined in there somehow. Even though I've been in the position, I still don't quite understand it ;-)
Then Jana announced the party, I put on a Tori remix, and the dance lights came on.
Can I just say that the new group of students is amazing? They're all beautiful, and there are some really big energy people that should help support the group as they all open up. Not that they're not great at it already... I watched a number of them leave at the end of the evening more open than they were when they walked in.
I'm really enjoying being able to help facilitate this transition, and feel like we're doing a good job of filling in some things I felt were missing from my own Heartwood introduction. The faculty pieces, like orientation, were superb... but social integration was less than smooth.
A number of us started the process of opening to these new arrivals weeks ago, before break. I feel like this has made it so much easier to me to hold space for the new changes and new people.
Tomorrow is the ice cream social... it's my major piece... I get to do a silly ice breaker, get people to circle and say their names for the thousandth time, go over campus policies and the like, and formally introduce new and old students who haven't yet met.
After the party we cleaned up a bit, and then talked... it felt so full of heart. I was called a "pillar" (of the community, which was a really nice stroke) and told that I had to stay for the fourth quarter *laugh* I joked that I was already calculating each person's share of 4th quarter costs, and that whoever ponies up the amount gets to complain.
I have received, and continue to receive, so much here... and so I try to give back, where I can. But staying the fourth quarter just doesn't seem to be for me. And simply to contribute to the community, in the limited ways afforded a student, does not resonate with me as a reason not to graduate at the end of this quarter.
I'll definitely be sad to go, and will probably always wonder what I missed. And I'll miss my classmates. Missing people is pretty new to me. It started when I came here and eventually began missing Des. And then on breaks missed people from Heartwood. And part of me is like, "Shit, shit." My old pattern has been to be so focused with what's in front of me that I let the rest of the universe attend to itself.
Not everyone's returned yet, and I want them to. I can't wait to sit in a circle with them all again on Monday. We are so beautiful. When I look at people here, I seem to pay more attention to their strengths. I know their weaknesses--wisdom yet to be remembered--are there, but I find them less interesting. I'm interested in what they give me, and what I hope I give them... who they are, and what they're great at.
This seems to be what part of being open, being unconditionally loving, is about. It seems so difficult to do in every day life. Our class' orientation, back in August, certainly gave ME an object lesson in not paying attention to first impressions--first judgments, rather--as over the past two quarters I watched, first my own ideas about my classmates, and then their own ideas about themselves, transform, drop away, sanded and smoothed and polished as the Heartwood wave washes over us.
That's my number one fear in not staying for the fourth quarter: will I be "done" enough? New enough? Ready to go BE in the world?
I have a core issue I'm working on... it seems like THE core issue. It's some kind of wily, slippery, existential-angsty, lack of motivation BIG BLACK TENTACLED THING that comes up every once in a while. It can be devastating. Past experience says I will not be successful. Past experience shows that when confronted with the sink-or-swim real life living, I won't kick my feet or move my arms. Not even half-heartedly.
Every time I feel in touch with it, each time I can say "Oh. Still there.", I feel utterly defeated. And then none of my successes seem to matter. Nothing that's changed in the past six months gives me hope. "It doesn't matter how much I change until I change this." When I sit with my issue, I sit in grim resignation to its power over my life.
So. Is three months enough? To shift what seems so unsolvable? (My issue seems to have a greater will to live than I do.) What can I do in one final quarter? Part of me wonders, if three quarters isn't enough, can four really be?
A truth is: I'm sad that I don't seem to have the resources, both economic and social, to stay.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:47 PM | Comments (2)
February 04, 2005
Break begins
Yay, traveling to SF today.
I got up and showered, went and tied up a few loose ends, and got my car packed. I'm going to eat a quick lunch and then head out. I figure it's worth waiting 15 minutes for "free" food.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:58 AM | Comments (0)
February 01, 2005
Two more days
Yay. My "provisional credit" on my credit charge dispute was credited to my account. I still haven't received the paperwork to fill out though.
Two classes, one session, left.
This morning's class was all "wish list" material. We talked about draping and bolstering for pregnant clients, first sessions with new clients, and working with "straight people" as someone put it. Not heterosexual, but "conservative". But as we discussed, conservatives aren't the only ones with reality-tunnel-vision. Donna had some good ideas for working with people, speaking to your audience, rapport building and pacing, and Western allopathic descriptions of important energy tools.
I did my penultimate session of the quarter after lunch. I was feeling so resistant to doing it, but once I got my hands working, I was so happy that I scheduled it. It was really nice to be able to pick tools from the different things I've learned and put them together for someone.
It's nice how easily 6-pointed star, a Polarity move that can help loosen the muscles in the back, fits into a Swedish or Shiatsu session, or how easily some well chosen acupoints fit into a Polarity or Swedish session.
Today was the last day of TPS! And it was much too like any other class. The last class should be fun and easy going. This class dragged (we were dragging it), as we did more role plays--late client who wants their full hour, late therapist and irate client, etc--and went over guidelines for Impeccable Agreements.
After class, I put on some Mortal Kombat music and Jana and Shannon and I did some more pillow fighting. Movin' the energy!
After dinner, Jana and Silas hosted some of us at their cabinette to watch episodes of Drawn Together. Sad to say, I love it.
I'm still wondering about the optional 4th quarter. I wonder how I'll feel if I stick with the original plan, if I'll always wonder what I missed.
Today I was talking with Gavain about it, who said that for him the 4th quarter made the entire program "worth it", bringing it to completion. Reminded me of my thoughts the other day, as I was reading some sites and came across the Neopagan concept of "A year and day." Basically, initiates are supposed to study for a year and a day; this demonstrates their commitment and is considered enough time to learn a basic foundation. I hadn't thought about it for years; what a time to reconnect to it.
If the modalities were different, like ortho-bionomy or somato-emotional release, I'd be sold. I'm not sold on cranio-sacral and myofascial release. Of course the real reasons for staying another quarter go deeper, since I get so much out of Heartwood beyond the technical instruction. I find it to be an awesome incubator. I'm not sure yet how deep the reasons for not staying go. They certainly go beyond superficial money issues.
And I end with a bit of Geekiness. So I report all spam I receive to Spamcop (this is feasible because very little spam gets through my mailserver and into my Inbox). Today I noticed that they're not in favor of Challenge-Response systems. You may be familiar with this if you've tried to email someone on Earthlink who had it turned on for their account, and you received an email back asking you to go to a link and confirm that you're an actual human before your message would be delivered.
I am a huge fan of CR, but have never been able to install the CR implementation I like, TMDA, on our server correctly. So, I don't use it, but I would if I could. And it really bugs to see people (like those at SpamCop) try to marshal fallacious arguments against CR, when it seems pretty obviously that the real issue here is that They. Simply. Don't. Like it.
Well that's fine. Just admit it and move on. Don't get up in arms about what other people like and want to do. Not a single one of the four points in the SpamCop article constitutes a valid argument.
One: The idea that "if everyone used this method, nobody would ever get any mail" is ridiculous. To make this assertion only shows how little the folks at SpamCop know about sophisticated CR implementation. TMDA addresses this with whitelisting and "tagged addresses", special-purposes email addresses specifically designed to address this and other needs.
Two: The fact that some users find Challenge emails annoying is irrelevant. Many users found registering to use websites annoying when required registration first started becoming popular in the later 90s, but now registering for sites is pretty de rigeur.
Three: Bald claims about efficacy with no citations or examples don't convince critical thinkers for two seconds. I suggest checking in with some TMDA users and ask if they think their CR systems are "ineffective".
Four: Selfish? Well some people think that's the name of the game, but ethics aside, let's look at the actual logistics. Far from requiring "innumerable third parties" to receive Challenge emails, the issuing of Challenge emails can be pretty rare and confined to folks you don't know. Whitelist all your friends. Sign up for websites with tagged email addresses that let emails through without a Challenge (if they start getting spam, you deactivate the address.)
SpamCop also links to the infamous "Challenge-Response Anti-Spam Systems Considered Harmful" rant. This was written by someone named Karsten M. Self, who showed up on the TMDA mailing list to bitch and really couldn't hold his own. I think he's kind of cute, but I just don't reach him on this CR thing.
I'm not going to debunk that much longer article... all 11 of its points are easily rebutted... anyone who's interested in this is no doubt capable of doing it themselves. The article is actually quite ridiculous in its strawman approach. If you read that rant and feel convinced or have questions, feel free to contact me.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:38 PM | Comments (0)