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January 28, 2005
Shhhhh.
Well, what a non-day.
Cold and rainy, I stayed inside for as much of it as possible. Mostly in the Lodge.
In the afternoon I went to Enrollment and fixed a computer problem for them.
Afterward, I was talking to Basil about life, and mentioned a bit from this entry on Ste3ve's journal about the Laurie Anderson show he saw recently:
"Life itself is bad art." She talks about the lack of any real plot, and characters just suddenly die for no reason, and there are too many writers.
Basil thought that was good for a chuckle, but not useful in any deep way. He reminded me about not limiting ourselves, but I wasn't feeling all that limitless.
I did do an amazing Reiki session after dinner. I'd never done a Reiki-only treatment, only integrated it, and it was so interesting to give Reiki after having learned some Polarity... I don't think I'll ever be able to give hands-on Reiki the way I used to.
Tonight I've been feeling a bit down and lonely. I went deep enough into some stuff tonight to come to this: I'm afraid to die. I'm afraid to live. And I'm afraid of living in pain. And I'm afraid to live in joy.
I think that's probably the root of it. In our CCS model, "existential angst" isn't a feeling, and we see how in this case it simply masks fear. In Conversations With God, Fear and Love are the only possible "Sponsoring Thoughts".
I've been meaning to schedule work with Soyka all quarter. Do it already. I am done with all this fear.
I'm finding myself having trouble knowing and speaking my truth in the proper moments lately. It will be time to pick new flower essences soon, and I know I'll set more intentions around truth telling.
Obviously I'll be setting intentions around living in joy rather than fear as well.
When I find a third intention, I think I'll pick new ones whether the current bottle is completed or not.
Posted by Josh A. at January 28, 2005 11:45 PM