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January 11, 2005
Self-worth
Here I thought the Core Session didn't do much for me, and last night I had a meltdown. It started when I got hit with a big, difficult to name feeling. I felt awful. As I imagined talking to Soyka about it, I heard her offering practical suggestions and I said aloud, "All I can think about is... and you make it sound so easy. And it's NOT."
Boom, crash.
12 different essences volunteered to help. They applied to things like hiding our issues, discouragement, adrenal exhaustion (not enough sleep lately!), mental anguish, worries and unhappiness, to accessing our inner knowing, releasing emotions stored in the body, and receiving healing energy.
I was told that the Core Issue in the way of all the intention setting I've been doing this quarter is lack of self-worth. I have to resolve that before I can allow myself to have the things I've been asking for.
Soyka said I get to learn it again, and would probably get to learn it again, and again, and again... and that this would enable me to be a tremendous help to people who get stuck right where I've been stuck.
Today she did not offer practical suggestions. She held intense, safe space in the middle of a public hallway while I cried and expressed some of what I had been holding back during class. And she reminded me of the things I needed to remember, got me to breathe, and honored me for showing up and doing the work. For not running from the feelings and the discomfort and the flailing of my ego.
Despite the processing and the exhaustion, I made it through my classes. I gave the Perineal Session this morning... I'm finding that giving evens me out a lot. A&P was easy and even fun, if a bit long. TPS was the most difficult. I just wanted to go to sleep, didn't want to be challenged by the work, and checked out a bit.
Dinner was delicious, Indian food, and I was feeling up to giving my scheduled session tonight. I got to practice a Core Session, and it went quite well. Evened out all over again.
Now I'm determined to get into bed within the next ten minutes.
Posted by Josh A. at January 11, 2005 09:49 PM