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January 31, 2005
Long day, happy ending (not what you're thinking)
Well, it's Monday. Day 1, WEEK TEN YAY. Maybe that's all one word. WEEKTENYAY.
I have three massage classes, one TPS class, and two sessions to do and I'm done with the quarter.
Not that I'm counting.
In Massage, we really weren't into trading lymphatic sessions again. Instead, we asked specific questions based on our weekend sessions and had them answered and/or demoed. We started a "wish list" on the board of things we wanted to cover before the last day, and managed to get a few crossed off during the course of class.
A new "Donna's Awesome" story: it's not often I bring up issues like lack of motivation to anyone seriously, but something made me want to run it by Donna. Instead of any of the usual answers, she said something completely surprising that made complete sense: "Maybe you need to move." Oh my god. I explained how I'd been wanting the past few days to just go up to the barn, put on music, and move, and how I didn't know how I'd find the time this week.
Yeah, it's hard to get up there and move when the problem is lack of moving.
I had a vegan moment today. I went into the community kitchen, where Shannon is slow cooking two chickens he slaughtered and immediately said out loud, "It smells like fucking dead bird in here." I realized that I reminded myself of Ari and giggled. It felt kinda hot.
At lunch, (not dead bird, but cornbread and chili), some folks and I talked about the community and culture at Heartwood, and something really valuable came out of it for me. We talked about praying for the incoming students already, and how some of us, myself included, have felt more "prayed for and held" during our "birthing" here than during our biological births.
I really like that idea, because I came to Heartwood for transformation. While there are likely some people who don't come here with that basic intention, I think Heartwood's Mission and Core Values really speaks to those of us who do.
After lunch, I went down to the dorms and showered. Yay. Nice long shower, preparing for my evaluation.
Eval went well on the surface.. I did arms and a bit of neck & shoulder. I think I got honors, although we didn't add the points up.
However, sitting there during the feedback portion was really difficult for me. I felt 13 years of public school coming up to the surface, frustrations over my judgements about where I think I "should" be versus where I am, and more. I had to stop her as she was going over how good I did with professionalism and presence, because a little (very little), very young, but very LOUD part of me was scared to death that this was just the "positive feedback" given before the "critique" that was going to decimate me.
Ugh. I thought that was so clever when we learned about it in school. Oh, you find something to praise first, that way you don't just go over everything that was WRONG. And there's still some value to that idea, I think... but its power can also be used for evil. Give school teachers long enough, and those among them whose talents run toward evil will sooner or later find a way to use anything to tear down and traumatize at least a child or two, all with plausible deniability.
oK, so I have schooling issues. Damn right I have schooling issues. The schools I went to were jokes.
Anyway, I got a little teary and breathed... I got through it. I really just wanted to have a good cry, but mostly I just wanted to keep it together and get out of there.
It was really hard to hear that I gave a good session. I'm not sure exactly why yet. It was also really hard to hear how disparate my words in class about my work were from her experience of it: she explained that based on how I had talked, she was expecting my work to be choppy, light to the point of irritating, and ungrounded, but none of those were her experience.
I don't feel pessimistic. I think I was 10 the first time someone, another ten year old(!), said, "You're so negative." The teacher that year also said that. And on since then. But I don't feel negative... I feel like I constantly see how things could be better, which many experience as always seeing how things are "not good enough".
I have a strong commitment to continual self-improvement. I suppose I've been expecting that same commitment from everyone else, regarding everything else. Right now the story or myth that's working best for me is, "The reason for living is to change."
Anyway, I saw today that I tend to assume that everyone else already sees all the positives, and so we need not speak about them. Obviously they don't see the room for improvements, or the changes would be being made already. Right?
So Donna hears me every other day in class complaining about this or that in my sessions and my work and my learning. Of course she's going to think her eval with me is going to be something she has to "endure".
I was kind of in a daze as I left. I wanted to talk to the student counselor, but she was unavailable. I went to the Lodge and got a cup of tea, and I looked out the window and noticed how beautiful it was outside. I had nothing else to do but listen to the urge to be out there, so I walked around the back of the lodge and down by the pool.
A choir of frogs were croaking their praises all the way 'round the pool, and I walked by listening, trying to see where they were.
I ended up sitting under a gazebo... it was so sensual, gazing out onto the neighboring mountains, all green with new life--it is almost February here in California. I caught the scent of smoke from the sauna, its aroma toning down the sweetness of the licorice in the tea. And I listened to the frogs, until a large bird called and they immediately shut up. In the new silence I noticed the sound of running water, a drainage ditch dug just out of sight.
While walking back, I passed by Biscuit the cat, and stopped and sat next to him. He immediately demanded lap space, and I sat petting him for a while. First time I've really pet any of the cats here, but Biscuit seems clean and soft. When I wanted to go, he didn't want to leave, so I carried him with me back to the front of the Lodge. That worked well for a while, until some folks came by talking loudly, and he jumped down and ran away.
Tonight's main dish was three different pasta offerings: pesto, vegan, and cheesy. They were pretty good it turned out. At dinner we started wondering if we had Supervised Practice tonight. Then there was the rumor that it was just going to be a dance party. So I encouraged us to just do it.
We got in early, put on some music, and started to move. Well, apparently Donna heard from more than one person about feeling unmotivated, and/or wanting to dance... and so dance party it was! We had to move from the Kiva to the Big Yurt, as people were doing sessions below. But this turned out even better.
Jana and Silas brought their amp and fiber optic lights, and I supplied the iPod. We danced for like two hours. Very good stuff... a number of people had been waiting for something like this all week. Really nice.
As Steve and I walked to the Lodge, I conjectured out loud that lack of motivation sounded like a stagnancy condition, and that moving probably breaks that up.
Anyway, it was a fantastic way to end the day.
Posted by Josh A. at January 31, 2005 10:43 PM
Comments
wow, heartwood sounds like such a warm, positive environment! i wish i could be doing something full time like that.
i'm about to start classes (part time for 2 years) but i'll be working full time while i do it. i'm super excited and nervous about it!!
best of luck with the rest of your training!
Posted by: kat at February 1, 2005 01:45 PM