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January 31, 2005

Long day, happy ending (not what you're thinking)

Well, it's Monday. Day 1, WEEK TEN YAY. Maybe that's all one word. WEEKTENYAY.

I have three massage classes, one TPS class, and two sessions to do and I'm done with the quarter.

Not that I'm counting.

In Massage, we really weren't into trading lymphatic sessions again. Instead, we asked specific questions based on our weekend sessions and had them answered and/or demoed. We started a "wish list" on the board of things we wanted to cover before the last day, and managed to get a few crossed off during the course of class.

A new "Donna's Awesome" story: it's not often I bring up issues like lack of motivation to anyone seriously, but something made me want to run it by Donna. Instead of any of the usual answers, she said something completely surprising that made complete sense: "Maybe you need to move." Oh my god. I explained how I'd been wanting the past few days to just go up to the barn, put on music, and move, and how I didn't know how I'd find the time this week.

Yeah, it's hard to get up there and move when the problem is lack of moving.

I had a vegan moment today. I went into the community kitchen, where Shannon is slow cooking two chickens he slaughtered and immediately said out loud, "It smells like fucking dead bird in here." I realized that I reminded myself of Ari and giggled. It felt kinda hot.

At lunch, (not dead bird, but cornbread and chili), some folks and I talked about the community and culture at Heartwood, and something really valuable came out of it for me. We talked about praying for the incoming students already, and how some of us, myself included, have felt more "prayed for and held" during our "birthing" here than during our biological births.

I really like that idea, because I came to Heartwood for transformation. While there are likely some people who don't come here with that basic intention, I think Heartwood's Mission and Core Values really speaks to those of us who do.

After lunch, I went down to the dorms and showered. Yay. Nice long shower, preparing for my evaluation.

Eval went well on the surface.. I did arms and a bit of neck & shoulder. I think I got honors, although we didn't add the points up.

However, sitting there during the feedback portion was really difficult for me. I felt 13 years of public school coming up to the surface, frustrations over my judgements about where I think I "should" be versus where I am, and more. I had to stop her as she was going over how good I did with professionalism and presence, because a little (very little), very young, but very LOUD part of me was scared to death that this was just the "positive feedback" given before the "critique" that was going to decimate me.

Ugh. I thought that was so clever when we learned about it in school. Oh, you find something to praise first, that way you don't just go over everything that was WRONG. And there's still some value to that idea, I think... but its power can also be used for evil. Give school teachers long enough, and those among them whose talents run toward evil will sooner or later find a way to use anything to tear down and traumatize at least a child or two, all with plausible deniability.

oK, so I have schooling issues. Damn right I have schooling issues. The schools I went to were jokes.

Anyway, I got a little teary and breathed... I got through it. I really just wanted to have a good cry, but mostly I just wanted to keep it together and get out of there.

It was really hard to hear that I gave a good session. I'm not sure exactly why yet. It was also really hard to hear how disparate my words in class about my work were from her experience of it: she explained that based on how I had talked, she was expecting my work to be choppy, light to the point of irritating, and ungrounded, but none of those were her experience.

I don't feel pessimistic. I think I was 10 the first time someone, another ten year old(!), said, "You're so negative." The teacher that year also said that. And on since then. But I don't feel negative... I feel like I constantly see how things could be better, which many experience as always seeing how things are "not good enough".

I have a strong commitment to continual self-improvement. I suppose I've been expecting that same commitment from everyone else, regarding everything else. Right now the story or myth that's working best for me is, "The reason for living is to change."

Anyway, I saw today that I tend to assume that everyone else already sees all the positives, and so we need not speak about them. Obviously they don't see the room for improvements, or the changes would be being made already. Right?

So Donna hears me every other day in class complaining about this or that in my sessions and my work and my learning. Of course she's going to think her eval with me is going to be something she has to "endure". On the other hand, when and why would I tell her how awesome I am at, say, staying present with the client? How do I ask for the help I want without painting an inaccurate picture of myself?

I was kind of in a daze as I left. I wanted to talk to the student counselor, but she was unavailable. I went to the Lodge and got a cup of tea, and I looked out the window and noticed how beautiful it was outside. I had nothing else to do but listen to the urge to be out there, so I walked around the back of the lodge and down by the pool.

A choir of frogs were croaking their praises all the way 'round the pool, and I walked by listening, trying to see where they were.

I ended up sitting under a gazebo... it was so sensual, gazing out onto the neighboring mountains, all green with new life--it is almost February here in California. I caught the scent of smoke from the sauna, its aroma toning down the sweetness of the licorice in the tea. And I listened to the frogs, until a large bird called and they immediately shut up. In the new silence I noticed the sound of running water, a drainage ditch dug just out of sight.

While walking back, I passed by Biscuit the cat, and stopped and sat next to him. He immediately demanded lap space, and I sat petting him for a while. First time I've really pet any of the cats here, but Biscuit seems clean and soft. When I wanted to go, he didn't want to leave, so I carried him with me back to the front of the Lodge. That worked well for a while, until some folks came by talking loudly, and he jumped down and ran away.

Tonight's main dish was three different pasta offerings: pesto, vegan, and cheesy. They were pretty good it turned out. At dinner we started wondering if we had Supervised Practice tonight. Then there was the rumor that it was just going to be a dance party. So I encouraged us to just do it.

We got in early, put on some music, and started to move. Well, apparently Donna heard from more than one person about feeling unmotivated, and/or wanting to dance... and so dance party it was! We had to move from the Kiva to the Big Yurt, as people were doing sessions below. But this turned out even better.

Jana and Silas brought their amp and fiber optic lights, and I supplied the iPod. We danced for like two hours. Very good stuff... a number of people had been waiting for something like this all week. Really nice.

As Steve and I walked to the Lodge, I conjectured out loud that lack of motivation sounded like a stagnancy condition, and that moving probably breaks that up.

Anyway, it was a fantastic way to end the day.

Posted by Josh A. at 10:43 PM | Comments (1)

January 30, 2005

Are you too spicy?

Today was possibly the least worst day of the weekend. It was still very low energy, low key for me.

Got to chat with Desmond some today... that was probably the highlight.

I'm not liking the new brunch. They promised a "non-egg savory option" (since breakfasts were previously scrambled eggs, every dang morning), so today was french toast and vegan french toast. Great. I hate french toast. But even more, I hate vegan versions of non-vegan fare.

In Rochester there's a fantastic vegetarian restaurant, The Atomic Eggplant, and one of the things I love most about it is that the food is unashamedly vegetarian. Excepting the required veggie burger, there's no "fake meat". The menu is mostly about food that's good on its own terms, without having to pretend to be something it's not. And, you can get brown rice there :-)

Anyway, I guess it was an off day for my meals today in general. Tonight was a sushi night... I've grown mostly bored with them. I don't get a real satisfaction from eating sushi it seems. Some suhi nites they go all out and offer other dishes with it, like tempura. There was a small bowl of the sushi rice on the Simple Table, but not really enough to go around.

For balance, you should know that most people loved dinner. I've never seen so many people jump up when the seconds bell was rung. Maybe I'm turning into Paul.

After lunch I gave a lymphatic session. It went well, longer than the first, which shows I was able to be more patient with it.

Other than mixing up a new bottle of 3% H2O2 and getting quarters for laundry (which I didn't actually do today), the time between then and dinner got sucked into a black hole.

After dinner, I was able to rope Steve into trading sessions with me. We dispensed with the full body lymphatics and gave integrated sessions. I received facial lymphatic, joint mobilizations, compression, and some nice foot work.

And after that, I stayed up way too late in the Lodge, first reading my Gay Hendricks book, and then spending time with Pam and Jim. Pam was baking cakes for tomorrow's breakfast, and we got to sample it. Vegan-arrific spice cake. I got the recipe.

Posted by Josh A. at 10:47 PM | Comments (0)

Still awake

I'm looking at this photo of me and my grandparents and trying to figure out what our faces mean.

My grandpa died last April. Somehow it seems like his is the only face I can pin down. Like, now that he's "gone" he can finally be summed up.

The other two seem inscrutable. Open ended.

He looks happy. He had a basic appreciation for being alive I don't think either of us have.

For just breathing?

Not even that. It was pretty hard for him to breathe at the time.

That might make him appreciate it.

Maybe :-)

My face, I don't trust. There's a lack of transparency there. And I don't know what's being hidden. I don't like guile and agenda in myself.

Hers is likewise opaque, but I think I have a handle on what's behind it. But maybe I don't. There's the open ending.

A lot of pain. I just don't know all the details.

Posted by Josh A. at 01:52 AM | Comments (1)

January 29, 2005

First lymphatic!

More eventful today... well, kinda. At least I felt better about it.

That coffee house act completely outed my web journal. Now people know about it and want to read it. Lots of people asking randomly throughout meals. That's ok, they'll probably get bored with it once the novelty wears off ;-)

I gave a lymphatic session before dinner, my first one out of class. It felt really off to me, not as smooth and flowing as in class. Oh well, two more to give tomorrow.

At dinner I identified at least one aspect to the tinge of lonely I've been feeling: queers. As in, there are none here. oK, there are three other gay guys here. Only one was at dinner. Mostly, I see straight people. And I love them. But I miss San Francisco and walking down Castro and being surrounded, engulfed, by it all. I miss my boyfriend. I miss my friends.

Came up with my third intention for the next set of essences: True Will. To know and be it in every moment. Thanks to Ste3ve for inspiring that one. We were talking about a website, specifically its poor craftsmanship... and he said, "Creating a website is no less an act of will than anything else." Reminded me of a Peter J. Carroll quote:

Our ancient Celtic ancestors said: "Never give a sword to a man who cannot dance".

We might well add: "Never give a wand to anyone who cannot handle ordinary reality".

So, Truth, Joy, and Will. Where do I sign up?

Tonight I watched a movie with a few other folks. The Rescuers Down Under. Parts were cheesy, but overall it was fun. I remember watching the original Rescuers when I was little. I loved that movie. I had a Rescuers read-along book with narration on tape. God, I can't believe it came out 3 years before I was born. 11 years later made it a "Disney classic".

Posted by Josh A. at 10:25 PM | Comments (1)

January 28, 2005

Shhhhh.

Well, what a non-day.

Cold and rainy, I stayed inside for as much of it as possible. Mostly in the Lodge.

In the afternoon I went to Enrollment and fixed a computer problem for them.

Afterward, I was talking to Basil about life, and mentioned a bit from this entry on Ste3ve's journal about the Laurie Anderson show he saw recently:

"Life itself is bad art." She talks about the lack of any real plot, and characters just suddenly die for no reason, and there are too many writers.

Basil thought that was good for a chuckle, but not useful in any deep way. He reminded me about not limiting ourselves, but I wasn't feeling all that limitless.

I did do an amazing Reiki session after dinner. I'd never done a Reiki-only treatment, only integrated it, and it was so interesting to give Reiki after having learned some Polarity... I don't think I'll ever be able to give hands-on Reiki the way I used to.

Tonight I've been feeling a bit down and lonely. I went deep enough into some stuff tonight to come to this: I'm afraid to die. I'm afraid to live. And I'm afraid of living in pain. And I'm afraid to live in joy.

I think that's probably the root of it. In our CCS model, "existential angst" isn't a feeling, and we see how in this case it simply masks fear. In Conversations With God, Fear and Love are the only possible "Sponsoring Thoughts".

I've been meaning to schedule work with Soyka all quarter. Do it already. I am done with all this fear.

I'm finding myself having trouble knowing and speaking my truth in the proper moments lately. It will be time to pick new flower essences soon, and I know I'll set more intentions around truth telling.

Obviously I'll be setting intentions around living in joy rather than fear as well.

When I find a third intention, I think I'll pick new ones whether the current bottle is completed or not.

Posted by Josh A. at 11:45 PM | Comments (0)

January 27, 2005

Coffee House, el dos!

Today = end of Week 9! Yay!

This morning we traded lymphatic sessions. I had heard that lymphatic work "is like watching paint dry", but I quite enjoyed it, both receiving and giving. It was especially nice on my face, and I had set intentions around having clear skin. Acne is one of the indications for this kind of massage, and my skin usually breaks out a little when I have a cold.

So homework this week is 3 lymphatic sessions. I wonder how popular it will be. I practically had to beg for people to receive Swedish sessions, versus Polarity which had more demand than I could supply.

We also had Heart Circle today. First one with Donna, which rocked.

I'm reminded that I still need to order a massage table. Ugh, what a process. I'm not sure yet what options I really want.

Tonight was Coffee House! Wheeee. I am SO wired over it. I'm so completely satisfied with myself, and so completely humbled by and in love with my classmates and community members.

First, all about me. Coffee House is divided into two Acts, with intermission in between. During the first act, I got up and read a list of search engine phrases. Oh yes. Actual words that people searched for to find and visit this web journal you are reading right now. My server ranks them by # of people.

So of course #1 was "dildos".

We all have Jana to think for that one.

There's the stuff you might expect, like "steamed kale"... and then there's the weirdness, like #2, "Jana Jamison". Just so you folks know, if you spell her name correctly, you won't be led to my site.

What a great time, people were laughing their asses off. Because, let's admit it, the fact that people search for things like "hot ass massage" and "anal prolapse photos" is damned funny.

While I was preparing my notes for the act, I of course had the normal fear that no one would laugh at anything and I would be a completely failure and have to do the seppuku thing. Luckily, it went smashingly and sooo many people came up to me during intermission to tell me how great it was.

Intermission: soooo fantastic. Coffee, hot chocolate, burdock tea (herbal coffee), chocolate cake, chocolate coconut bars, pine nut anise cookies, and vegan carrot cake that rocked my world.

Second act, I first read some of my poetry. Really well, I might add. Last Coffee House I was nervous and shaking and lame. This time I did the witty banter thing, read slowly enough, and rocked.

When I was done, my classmates joined me and we led the audience in chanting the Meowtri. That would be the feline version of the Gayatri mantra... the concept was great in class, and it was even better with a large audience coerced into participating.

As for the others... Oh. My. God.

Melissa got up there and shared a poem that I cannot describe. Let's just say I was glad I didn't have to go after her! :-) Kala played/sung two songs she wrote (who knew?!) Sarah played guitar and sang as well. Kudra, man, got up there with her hair and face done up in paint, breasts bared and sang and spoke. Many others shared their poems and songs.

I was just too impressed.

Posted by Josh A. at 11:20 PM | Comments (2)

January 26, 2005

Lymph is gross

Yay, TODAY was the easy day.

Only because I haven't been going to yoga. I need to address that, soon. At this point, I'll have to complete the 20 required hours next quarter. But I have no idea how I'm going to do it.

I'm planning to talk to the Ed Director about options, perhaps fulfilling the requirements off campus during breaks. Barring that, I'll have to talk to the yoga instructor here and work something out. Maybe just show up and do my own thing for the hour... I know enough yoga from last quarter to fill an hour. But that, fulfilling the letter of the requirements and not the spirit, is my last resort. I hope the new Director is cooler than that.

At the beginning of Massage class, to chant, we sit quietly in a circle and wait for a song to "come up", meaning someone starts singing it, and we all join it.

Well, I went first and started the Asato Ma... only in the feline dialect: "Meowwwww (Om) meow meow meow (asato) meow (ma) meow (sad) meow meow meow (gamaya)..."

And people joined in. Oh it was great. Liberating in a way... we slipped into doing the proper Sanskrit after awhile.

We also did some pagan stuff, e.g.

Dust I've been and dust I'll be
when the dust has settled, I will still be me

Fire I've been, and Fire I'll be

when the flames burn out, I will still be me

It goes on... did some Christian stuff, something about going down to the river to pray. I admit to being a bit resistant to it. Raised Southern Baptist. Not pleased.

Anyway, we talked about the lymphatic system (eww) and watched a demo of the lymphatic protocol we'll be learning. It's lymphatic for health maintenance, so it's not enough training for working with, say, lymphedema. I'm oK with that, no medical massage for me, thanks.

Speaking of medical, Desmond brought up his recent headaches while talking with his doctor today... doctor felt around his occipital ridge, asked if it hurt when he pressed certain places, declared the headaches due to tension, and proceeded to write my boyfriend a prescription for Valium.

Oh my god. I could feel myself charging up as I listened to this story. First, it bugs me to have doctors writing prescriptions for drugs instead of bodywork, or hypnotherapy, or tai chi. I also feel really ticked that the doctor didn't seem to care one way or the other about addressing the cause of the tension. "Oh you have tight muscles? Muscle relaxants!"

That is not health care. Giving people intoxicants to help them cope with the kind of unhealthy demands made by our unhealthy world is not health care. The sheer arrogance of titling the person who can do that a "health care provider". It upsets me to the point of sentence fragments.

Anyway, hopefully he finds enough relief from the neck release exercise I told him about that he doesn't have to spend money filling the prescription.

It's a fabulous exercise; it saved another friend of mine today from a horrible headache.

To start, reach around front with your right hand to the back left side of your neck, so your arm should be crossing your chest.

Find a muscle or spot that is particularly tight or sore, and press into it gently with your fingertips. Just enough so that it feels good.

Then, take a breath in while turning your head toward your hand to look to your left. As you exhale, turn your head to the right.

That's one. Do it four more times.

Then, bring your head back to center. On your in breath, move your head to look up at the ceiling. On breathing out, move your head to look down at the floor.

Do that four more times.

Take a minute to notice how you feel. Then do the other side, crossing your left hand over to reach around to the back of the right side of your neck.

You can do this on every single sore spot and tight muscle in your neck and shoulders. It's great on the subway, or for a mini-break at work. Don't do it while driving, though :-)

Apparently the founder of the school is hot to have an alumni program in place. This was one of my suggestions in my worktrade proposal that I submitted at the beginning of the quarter, but the HR person and I never worked that out. So, I wrote a letter to the founder and stuck it in his mailbox. I think it'd be an awesome way for me to have a lasting positive impact on Heartwood.

I think it'd be nice to have a website where alums could have an account that would enable them to update their contact information with the school, from public (so clients can find Heartwood graduates near them), to semi-public (only viewable by other alums, so classmates can find each other), and private (Heartwood Institute only).

Tonight was pizza night! Whee. The staff really did it up. Candles and tablecloths in the lodge, and Brenna and Holly serving pizza in drag dressed as Italian men. They had Italian names, mustaches, spoke in accents, and beamed when I said "Gratsi". Welcome to the pizzeria.

I think my favorite was a deep dish sprouted crust pizza. The greek pizza with feta was pretty nice too, though.

Hope my cold (which has been abating) can handle the indulgence.

Poor Surya has been sick as well, and I brought her a plate of food to her yurt. I hope she's back in action soon.

Tonight Ste3ve gave me this link to an article about a cannabis activist Grandma. Any sentence beginning with the words "My cannabis chocolate cake..." is going to be a good one, I think.

I've never used cannabis, but the government saying we can't use some substances irks me more than doctors pushing other substances.

Tonight was community heart circle. I almost walked by it... but listened to my inclination to go. I've been trying to do that lately, listening to my intuition, going with my first impluse and not letting my head talk myself out of things.

Glad I went... I talked about being angry at stupid doctors, feeling afraid of my impending graduation, and the successes I've been having with choosing peace rather than worry.

Now, to bed. Tomorrow marks the end of Week 9's classes.

Posted by Josh A. at 10:44 PM | Comments (0)

January 25, 2005

Home stretch

This morning I was laying semi-conscious in bed, and said to myself "Get up, you just have to get through Massage class. It's an easy day." And then I realized... "Shit, no it's not! It's Tuesday. Not only do you have class until dinner, but you have a test. STAY IN BED."

Even people at Heartwood have trouble understanding that the class is not called "Swedish", but "Massage Theory & Technique". First, there were the five weeks when Amy taught us something we might call "Swedish Plus"... then there were two weeks of Polarity. Now that we have Donna, we're doing integration and will start Lymphatic soon. So that's why it's called MT&T.

Today we traded integrated sessions, with a "mostly swedish" stipulation... I felt like I gave a decent one, although 60 minutes just isn't very much time. Once again the anterior legs were given the shortest shrift possible. It was mostly Swedish, with a little six pointed star (polarity) and universal joint technique (shiatsu) thrown in.

While I gave, Donna coached me on a number of things... mostly how to use my forearm to effect more pressure. Also some alternate petrissage techniques. It's become apparent that The Sequence, while a great learning tool, has been on terminal life support and it's time to just unplug it.

So Jim said he would let me watch his basic sequence sometime. Maybe if I'm nice enough, he'll make it come true ;-)

Lunch was supposed to be cramming for the test. Instead, I read Learning to Love Yourself, by Gay Hendricks. oK, so the title SUCKS. But don't let it keep you from reading a good book. While some parts seem a little too basic to me, the bulk of the book seems pretty valuable.

In the first chapter, the author writes about how as children many of us experienced people trying to talk us out of our own experiences, e.g. "It's not a big deal", "Don't cry", "There's nothing to be scared of", possibly quite often.

That got me thinking about how often adults do that to each other.

And notice the lack of conscious communication. In saying "It's not a big deal" we fail to take responsibility for what is actually our own feeling, attempting to externalize our personal subjective experience into an objective truth. "Don't cry" is an imperative, an order rather than a request, and possibly almost always inappropriate. "There's nothing to be scared of" states the irrelevant, ignoring the fact that the other person feels fear, and thus fails to address the actual issue at hand.

So the author mentions that one reason people try to talk us out of our experience is because they feel bad when we feel bad. And there's the thing that I get most irritated about when it comes to "fixing"... so often, the rush to "fix" my "problem" has nothing to do with my feelings or truly caring about me, but the would-be rescuer's own discomfort. I find it much more caring to be allowed my experience and my process. Hopefully this extra clarity helps me the next time I get the urge to "fix".

Another bit I'm finding valuable: this concept of "loving whatever you can from wherever you are"... an easy example is the situation of feeling dislike for someone. Often, we can't go straight from that to loving the person, but first have to love ourselves disliking them. Then we can move to loving the other person. I think this is the case when we have judgments about feeling dislike.

So, Anatomy & Physiology, Part Deux. (God, there will be a part three next quarter. This is turning into yet another series of cheesy horror movies.)

The test was nuttier than previous tests. Luckily there was a group part, on acid/base balance. But we were out on our own for the digestive and urinary systems. It went oK; I think I got Honors, or Merit at the least. A couple stupid mistakes, but all things considered I'm pretty happy with that.

Testing took way too long. There was no time for the vaguely described demo, and not really enough time for end-of-quarter evaluations. I still have mine, half filled out, in my binder. Ahh well.

Therapeutic & Professional Skills class was the usual. Our class is so low energy. Amy comes in and we're all on the floor. "oK, everybody stand up," she announces. Some people half-heartedly wave a limb or two.

So we did a sitting warm-up. She called words like "Fear", "Joy", "Irritation", "Acceptance" and we noticed what we felt in our bodies. Pretty odd... I felt Judgment in my sides... Rage as spiky red energy growing up out of my Governing Vessel meridian like some sort of punk rock razorback dog... Acceptance along the Yin areas of my body... some things I felt very much in the muscles of my chest, others in my lungs... Fear I felt in my core, along my spine.

Then we did some group work, talking about how we felt in our bodies. I felt very resistant to the entire exercise. I felt "bodied out". Of course, when someone really went deep into their experience, I felt envious. And I realized, after 9 weeks, that I still don't feel safe in the class. I've identified at least three reasons: one, container was never respected (in my eyes) from the very first class, and never established with me; two, the class is just too big; and three, we haven't spent any time in class doing any group building. I feel no cohesiveness or trust in the group itself.

At least one other person has similar feelings, so we'll be bringing this up at evaluations next week.

We finished with a discussion of healthy communication schtuff. The stuff I actually get some energy over.

That reminds me: at the AOBTA convention, Efrem Korngold (co-author of Between Heaven and Earth) quoted Korzybski ("The map is not the territory.") but failed to actually name him ("A famous semanticist said that.") Maybe Efrem, like me, has no clue how to pronounce Korzybski properly?

Heh. Ambiguity. So there are evaluations as in mid-quarter and end-of-quarter where the students evaluate the class and the instructor(s); and, there are evaluations as in I have to work on Donna King next Monday (mock terror!) so she can verify with her direct experience that I'm not inept.

Oh yeah, also in TPS... Joanna was joking around, prostrating to Jana and mumbling about worshipping her, and I started egging her on... "You can get lower than that"... "Kiss her feet... No, really kiss them."... "Did Jana say you could get up?" Always fun to torture the willing; reminded me of the time Desmond and I put his niece in a collar and fed her dog biscuits.

Tonight someone helped me realize an area where I've been taking more than 100% responsibility.

When meeting other guys, I've been dancing this dance I've made up, called "When's the Best Time to Tell Him I Have a Boyfriend?" The theory went something like this: even though my relationship doesn't limit the type of relationships I might develop, other people might jump to conclusions and limit themselves when getting to know me. SO, I can't tell them too soon. Of course, I can't tell them too late, either; that's leading someone on.

Fuck that. I realized that I'm not responsible for the ways in which other people choose to limit themselves. Moreover, this can work to my advantage as a self-selecting process. Frankly, I want quality relationships with people who work to unlimit themselves.

So I'm on the last mile. Science classes are over. Hydrotherapy was already over. I just have massage classes, sessions, evals, and one TPS class to go. Woo.

Posted by Josh A. at 09:59 PM | Comments (3)

January 24, 2005

One test down, one to go

So tired. :-)

Made it to class on time. We discussed our weekend sessions, and then traded sessions. My partner and I opted to trade Swedish-only sessions. "Why?", you ask? Why, indeed. Were we punishing ourselves out of guilt and self-loathing? Was it suddenly Bizzaro world at Heartwood? Perhaps Lucifer was out purchasing a new snowplow.

No. I actually wanted a Swedish session. Oh my god. And I wanted to give one so that Donna could watch me (she hasn't yet) and I can find out "where I'm at" in her eyes.

But back to this feverish desire to receive Swedish. I don't know what it was, but I honored it and asked for what I wanted. And I really enjoyed the session. I feel seriously sold on the modality a tiny bit.

Weird.

It was nice and sunny out, and I ate lunch on the back deck. Spent the time studying with my tablemates and generally feeling pretty good.

Before class, Kudra and I presented our makeups for missing class. She had cut out many muscle models and went over their names, origins, and insertions with us. I taught the Universal Joint Technique I learned at the convention. It was really awesome to be "teaching" the class, even if only for 15 minutes. I went over a few preliminaries, demoed the technique, and then called the steps so people could do it on their partners.

People really liked it; I think I saw someone doing it tonight during supervised practice.

And the test went well; I got Honors on it. And even though it was less evil than I thought it would be, it was still stressful... after class Shannon put on Tool (the Opiate album) and I realized I had some anger... I got out the pillows and Shannon, Kala, and Jana and I all had a weird pillow tossing-beating-sometimes fighting session. Toward the end, Jana brought out the bolsters, some of which have integrated handles and can be swung around like poi and used to "get one's ninja on". I got my ninja on.

We had to stop because another class was going to begin, and I accompanied Jana to her room where Silas was already hanging out. We studied for the A&P test tomorrow, mostly... at 5:00 we were joined by Melissa and Sarah. oK, so there was also discussion of anal sex (we are studying the digestive system, which includes the sigmoid colon, rectum, and anus), demonstrations of such activities using stuffed animals, much eating of chips and salsa, and other assorted foolishness.

At dinner we hatched a plot: if Donna King walked into the Kiva to find all of us curled up asleep on the floor, she would have to decide we were much too cute and peaceful to wake up, thus marking us all present on the roll sheet and sneaking quietly back out.

We failed. :-(

I don't think anyone took it seriously enough. Hard to find anyone peaceful when they're lolling about on the floor giggling.

Instead, we did mobilizations of the neck. They were actually pretty cool. We learned a trapezius stretch I'll definitely use.

I got these people to tell me some more about various Tea Pills.

The reply also included:

Josh, our best suggestion is for you to consult with an experienced, licensed practitioner of TCM. .... Self-medicating without a proper diagnosis, is really not appropriate....

Eh. That's one of my buttons that I still haven't disconnected.

Since I've never been to a Chinese Medical practitioner, I'm at least willing to give it a try sometime. But in the meantime, I have trouble believing that TCM doctors are any less irritating than Western doctors.

My understanding and experience is that tea pills are pretty mild... I'm really not worried about it. The main reason I would have for seeing a professional is because they have a working knowledge of other herbs that may work better/more appropriately for my goals.

I guess I also just believe that self-medicating is entirely appropriate . Given the current milieu. I'm a person who's had to argue with doctors only to be (unfortunately) proven correct in the end. Perhaps if doctors saw the medical role more as that of a coach than an authority, I'd be more willing to spend my time (and money) with them. As it is, however, they make it too difficult to use them as a resource for anything other than moderate to severe sickness.

Western, that is. Perhaps TCM practitioners would not be too difficult to use as a resource for wellness.

I figured it out: my six flavor tea pill habit costs $21 a month. My chlorella habit has cost $21.90 a month, BUT if I buy the big jars that are $40 for 1250 tabs, my cost drops to $11.68 a month. I gotta check the price on larger quantities of tea pills.

Posted by Josh A. at 09:05 PM | Comments (0)

January 23, 2005

Yum/yin

Why do people always break down during finals? It's like, the emotional issue that was just fine hanging out under the surface for the past year and a half simply can't stand to wait until Tuesday evening.

Anyway.

The kitchen is testing "brunch" on the weekends. It was pretty damned good today. Polenta with onions and crimini mushrooms, an insane sweet-savory congee, a delicious sweet tasting bread that I put peanut butter on... good stuff.

Afterward, I finished all the coloring for the quarter! Woo. Also studied the damned muscles. Goddamnfuckingshitbitchmuscles. Grrr. Uhh... 3 muscles that attach to the coracoid process are pec minor, coracobrachialis, and biceps brachii

Bleh :-P

It's been brought to my attention that I tend to leave out some types of details from my web journal... notably sex and design. Look how nice those two look together. They make a good couple.

So I should tell you, I got a little bit of web work done, updating buzz|dot|net. I'll be adding some extra functionality sometime after Science Hell this week.

On the drawing board is a redesign of Light Perspectives in the next month, and some DevilBear work.

And there's no sex in Humboldt County, if you're a gay man that is.

I had a fantastic shower today. I played some dance music Josh C. gave me, burned incense, and took my sweet time. When I got back to my room, I knew I would have to be soliciting people for sessions, so I decided to dress fun and bright... Desmond's duckie pants, and my bear pride t-shirt. Woo.

Of course, the next 14 people I talked to weren't interested in sessions. Hey when was the last time you tried finding an impromptu table angel on a sunny Sunday afternoon in January? A group of three said in unison, "Thanks, but we're going to the beach." Well then. Have fun.

So this means I got one out of the three required sessions done. Between being sick, having two tests in the next two days, and having CPR on Saturday... I'm over it already. I'll make the other two up.

It was ok, I spent the afternoon processing anyway. Personal stuff.

Dinner was great... lasagna, squash croquettes, some kind of amazing green sauce (it was spinach based, had the color of guacamole or pale pesto, and had a taste all its own), marinara, and suchlike.

Afterward, I finally found a willing victim and did a joint mobilization session. Eh, not much good on its own, but good to go through them all. Of course, I'm finding more value in the stuff I learned at the AOBTA convention (micro-rotations, Cliff's universal joint technique) than this class... joint mobilizations seem more like an assessment tool to me than anything else. Guess I'll bring that up tomorrow morning.

Last night I had a great time picking flower essences. Usually I just do 'em at my desk, whatever. Hell, last time I did them one morning in a rush because I knew I needed knew ones for the Polarity session I was getting.

Anyway, last night I lit candles (eight), put on music (Enigma1), and really got into it. Nurtures the Ku (the Hawaiian, not the Egyptian one) :-)

It was nice to set intentions in a more intentional space. Tonight it will be nice to simply go to bed ;-)

Wish me luck on my test!

Posted by Josh A. at 10:25 PM | Comments (0)

January 22, 2005

Do not attempt to put the organs back into the abdomen

CPR & First aid this morning. What a trip.

I took CPR classes several years in a row when I was younger... late 80s/early 90s, not exactly sure when. Things have changed quite a bit. For starters, no one ever told us about VOMIT before. Turns out, if you give rescue breathing long enough, the person will vomit. It's a chemical/physiological thing. I'm glad I never had need to use the skills before, as that would have been a rude surprise.

Also, we were never too concerned with transmission of diseases/fluids... we practiced on the mannequins directly, wiping the mouths with alcohol pads in between. Basically learning to give "mouth to mouth", as it's called colloquially.

Nobody gives "mouth to mouth" anymore. Today we learned to use barriers, either a specialized mask with a one-way valve, a cheap plastic shield with a hepa covered cutout, or in a pinch at least a cotton cloth or plastic bag with a small hole in it. Anything to catch that vomit

First aid was nuts. Injuries involving exposed abdominal organs? Please.

abdomen.jpg

Well, anyway, it's over and done with.

Lunch and dinner were off for me. Some people really liked them. I ate more simply than usual, since that's good for dealing with illnesses. Pungent spices like ginger for dispersing (pungent is the flavor of the Metal element, i.e. Lungs), but not too hot.

After lunch I showered (finally). Haven't had the energy lately. Felt really good to be clean again.

At 4:30 I had a Shiatsu session, which was really nice. Included some cupping on my back (Lung points).

I colored during dinner, once I was done eating. Like a madman. Got through like 7 pages, which normally would take 3 hours or so.

I'll be so glad come Tuesday evening. Monday is the last Kinesiology class (and our evil muscle test), and Tuesday is the last A&P class, featuring another test. Smooth sailing after that.

Posted by Josh A. at 08:42 PM | Comments (0)

January 21, 2005

"Not much."

Hooray for not doing much of anything.

Between having a cold and knowing that CPR class is tomorrow morning, I "took the day off" so to speak.

I did do mail. Sent some CDs to some people, sent a bottle of essential oil back, sent checks & bills off.

Chatted a lot with Desmond. Talked on the phone with a friend.

Glad to say, not much else to report.

Posted by Josh A. at 10:00 PM | Comments (0)

A reply!

In response to my request for a gay pride flag flown over the nation's capitol:

From: "Brown, Jason \(Boxer\)"
To: me!

Josh, the Sergeant at Arms will only flag 5x8 or 3x5 standard American flags over the capital. Please check the Senator's website for information about requesting a flag to be flown over the US Capital. Please contact me if you have any further questions.

Jason

_____________________________________
Jason Brown
Senior Staff Assistant
Senator Barbara Boxer
112 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
(202) 224-3662

I think I want the Sergeant at Arms fired.

Posted by Josh A. at 02:14 PM | Comments (1)

January 20, 2005

Sooo tired

Yay an easy day. Only one class.

Despite 8 hours of sleep last night and 10 hours the night before, I fell asleep in heart circle. Winter + sleep deficit + cough/cold = need lots of sleep, I guess.

Afterward, we traded 40 minute "integrative" sessions. We had to use at least two modalities. I used Polarity and Shiatsu, and my partner used Polarity and Swedish. It was nice... we both wanted Rajasic contacts... I feel dependent on them to maintain my fire.

And still, I still felt off all day.

My intentions, btw, were to let go of my belief that "I will lose", and to let go of the entire win/lose game/dichotomy/judgment system entirely. Possibly Core or Perineal sessions would be more appropriate.

Lunch was yummy... sole, buckwheat soba, stir fried veggies, and other stuff I'm forgetting. The soba had vegetables and some sort of nutty, cheesy white sauce (somehow it managed to be vegan).

I got really scared about money this afternoon. I didn't expect my new loan payment to be so high. I did a cash flow chart through May, and find that I should be able to get by as long as I finish a particular web site I'm working on and Des gives me the Christmas cash he offered. But that's still slim. So I'm looking at some other ways to augment my income, particularly with old design clients. Now it's just a matter of putting in the hours. Gosh, I make that sound so easy and... surmountable.

I was also worried about being able to survive after graduation, but having done the numbers with the most current info, they still look pretty decent. Basic massage therapy at a spa or salon should be enough to survive on at an ok standard of living (keeping in mind that "ok" in this case is more expensive than, say, eating McDonald's and living in not-one-of-the-most-expensive-cities-in-the-nation). Of course, I'm more likely to downgrade my apartment than my diet.

I didn't end up going to Movement Magic or Tarot. I just needed to chill on my own. Oh well, next time.

Ye godz, runny nose tonight. Let's hope I get to sleep quickly.

Posted by Josh A. at 09:14 PM | Comments (0)

January 19, 2005

I want bodywork

We spent pretty much all of Massage Theory today on joint mobilizations, which I found thoroughly enjoyable. I like moving peoples limbs around. I'm also still excited about learning Cliff's Universal Joint Technique at the convention. Good stuff to tie together.

We've been starting and ending class with toning, at my suggestion. I was reading about Ah being the sound of attraction and Om being the sound of gratefulness, and using Ah in the morning to invite manifestation, and Om before bed to be grateful for it. So, Ah to begin class and Om to close it.

Lunch was really tasty... peanut butternut squash soup, wild rice, green beans, carrots, and the ever-present, ever-important bitter greens. As usual I doused my rice in olive oil, lemon juice, tamari, and turmeric. No dulce today.

We had an unfortunate reschedule of a class for Wednesday. So, Kinesiology 9 here in Week 8. At least that means easy sailing come Week 10.

Anyway, it was all muscle review... origins, insertions, actions. Tests 1 & 2 were open ended and creative; the final exam will be the evil exam all about muscles.

I spent time tonight doing some processing. Between feeling stressed (overfull plate) and scared (graduation), my motivation's gone awol, and I realized that the whole "tired of life" thing I've done alot over the past 6 years or so is just defense. And all this time I thought it was a cause rather than a symptom.

It's like when the small band of heroes finally come of the crest into full view with... THE MASSIVE OPPOSING ARMY... and says "FuuuUuuUUuuCK meeeeee."

And I'm the "Fuuuuuck meeee" guy.

Looking at life, some deep part of me says "I don't want to do all that fighting just to lose." This is the "just lay down and die" part.

When I realized that contained in this was the belief "I will lose," I made a list of 9 important, mostly early, losses/fights and did some preliminary EFT work on them. Turns out they're big, bad, and difficult (so far) to budge. Well no, I got them all down, some by quite a bit, but that only resulted in a one-point change for the overarching issue, i.e. the "I will lose" belief.

Of course. The supporting pillars have to be completely demolished, not just chipped at a bit, before the roof collapses in on itself.

But I was hoping.

Posted by Josh A. at 10:16 PM | Comments (0)

January 18, 2005

Mmm tired

Tuesdays are my long day this quarter. Since I missed Monday because of the convention, today was my first morning with Donna King. Everybody loves this woman, and now I know why. No, I have no idea why, but at least I've experienced it. Her spirit does light up the room in some indescribable way.

We chanted, went over The Fine Points of Health History and Intake Forms, reviewed massage strokes, and talked about timing sessions, how to allocate time between parts for 60 and 90 minute sessions for different kinds of clients.

We had Donna again for A&P, since Soyka is doing a stint in the Adjunct Therapies class for a few weeks. Acids and bases, electrolyte balance, blah blah blah. I was so tired.

Then TPS. Emotional Literacy, Healthy Responsibility taking, Integrity. Interesting stuff.

During part of class, I got lost in thought thinking about graduation. It's not all that far away. Thought about the kind of stuff I'll have to pull together come May.

Job. Resumes. Networking. Finding treatment space. Trades. Bills. Life.

Felt a bit overwhelmed. Stopped thinking about it.

Kinda scary.

oK, really scary.

Worthwhile?

Yay it's 9 and I'm goin to bed.

Posted by Josh A. at 08:57 PM | Comments (0)

January 12, 2005

Om bhur bhuvah swaha

My after-dinner session went well... did another Core Session. I don't anticipate practicing the Perineal Session tomorrow, so that means some lucky folks back home get one.

I'm offended by Barbara Boxer's Constituent Survey for listing only domestic policy issues. In the "Other" box, I said "Um, hello? How about ceasing US aggression in other countries, e.g. Afghanistan, Iraq, and who knows who's next?" I also expressed my offense at being given only domestic issue choices. Just demonstrates another way in which America cares too much about ourselves at the expense of others.

Oh look you can have a flag flown over the US Capitol and mailed to you. I think I'll email requesting a rainbow flag.

There:

Hi there,

I'd like to order a Rainbow (gay pride) flag flown over the U.S. Capitol. I don't need a specific date, but I would like to know the timeframe and the cost for the flag.

Thanks,
Josh

We'll see how her interns answer that one. How awesome would it be if they could really do it? I want one the size of the flag in Harvey Milk Plaza!

Today I printed the lyrics to Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan's song Allah Hoo, as well as a translation, for Soyka to make copies. Tomorrow I'll bring the CD to class to chant with. Reading the translation, though, I had a small issue:

Why did Hussain, son of Haider, drink the nectar of mortality?
Why did Tabriz have himself flayed alive?
Why did Mansoor utter at the gibbet?
Let us not go around revealing all, (but it was all for YOU, onlyFor YOU, none but YOU)
These refer to religious atrocities, and although such events are only one piece of the picture, I know that I'm uncomfortable with Christian songs, for example, because of the fundamentalism in this country. That's a main reason I'm attracted to spirituality involving languages I don't understand--I'm able to feel the desired energy and connection without having to get tripped up on the beliefs of other people.

Obviously I should not read translations. In this case I've decided to change how I interpret that section of the song, and use it to honor those who have given up their lives so that the rest of us might come closer to the truth.

Posted by Josh A. at 10:03 PM | Comments (0)

Perineal session

This morning was nice. I made the conscious decision to skip yoga and get even more sleep. Yay for enough sleep.

I got up and showered (that's a real accomplishment for this quarter!), penduled for some new essences, went to breakfast (it was just as I remembered breakfasts from so long ago), and actually made it to class on time. Woo.

Today's card is the Page of Swords.

I already had my intention for receiving the Perineal Session today: to fully know my own Divine worth, and release any negative beliefs or feelings, traumas, or blocks standing in the way. Then things began to shift...

First Soyka explained that she had invited two people in to class with us to receive work... the new Education Director, and Warren, our Deep Tissue teacher-to-be. This meant that some people would not be working with their partners from yesterday. I immediately felt uncomfortable, and she asked people to volunteer. Of course my partner volunteered.

And the numbers didn't quite work: in the end, it worked out that Warren would be giving my session. Of course he walks in expecting to receive a session only to be asked to give one instead.

So there we are, I'm on the table, Warren with his hands under my head for the opening Quiet Heart Cradle, and I'm thinking, "Poor Warren, roped into this, he gets paid for his work, oh my gosh I don't deserve this, blah blah blah." And when I caught myself and saw how perfect it all was for my intention, I actually laughed out loud.

The session was very peaceful, and in the middle of it I felt myself the Voice of God Itself as the words "I Am the Eternal I Am" floated through my head, myself speaking to itself.

I spent lunch in the Kiva with Silas and Jim, and then gave a session at 2:00. I'm hoping to spend the rest of my time before dinner packing for this weekend, and then another session after dinner.

Not too happy with Thursday... I wanted to leave right after class, but there's been a change of schedule and I'm here until 6:00. At that point, I'd be stupid not to stay for dinner. If I can leave here by 6:30, I still won't get into the city any earlier than 11:30 :-( Ahh well.

As I was just walking down the trail back to my room, I caught site of the snow-covered caps of some nearby mountains, and reminded myself, "I am worthy." And I realized, "Not only am I worthy of all of that, I am that."

Pause.

"How can I possibly be unworthy of something I already AM?"

And there was the "Ah hah!" and the "Duh, of course." Worthiness (like most dichotomies) is a judgment, and, as all judgments, finds its resolution in Oneness. To believe I am worthy or unworthy of someone or something first requires that I believe we are separate.

So, I wandered in a roundabout way back to remembering something I already knew. <---- write that down, it's one of the meanings of life.

Posted by Josh A. at 04:23 PM | Comments (0)

January 11, 2005

Self-worth

Here I thought the Core Session didn't do much for me, and last night I had a meltdown. It started when I got hit with a big, difficult to name feeling. I felt awful. As I imagined talking to Soyka about it, I heard her offering practical suggestions and I said aloud, "All I can think about is... and you make it sound so easy. And it's NOT."

Boom, crash.

12 different essences volunteered to help. They applied to things like hiding our issues, discouragement, adrenal exhaustion (not enough sleep lately!), mental anguish, worries and unhappiness, to accessing our inner knowing, releasing emotions stored in the body, and receiving healing energy.

I was told that the Core Issue in the way of all the intention setting I've been doing this quarter is lack of self-worth. I have to resolve that before I can allow myself to have the things I've been asking for. I've done so much work on that in the past that it felt really discouraging to hear that. I was like, "Fuck. Why is this coming up again?"

Soyka said I get to learn it again, and would probably get to learn it again, and again, and again... and that this would enable me to be a tremendous help to people who get stuck right where I've been stuck.

Today she did not offer practical suggestions. She held intense, safe space in the middle of a public hallway while I cried and expressed some of what I had been holding back during class. And she reminded me of the things I needed to remember, got me to breathe, and honored me for showing up and doing the work. For not running from the feelings and the discomfort and the flailing of my ego.

Despite the processing and the exhaustion, I made it through my classes. I gave the Perineal Session this morning... I'm finding that giving evens me out a lot. A&P was easy and even fun, if a bit long. TPS was the most difficult. I just wanted to go to sleep, didn't want to be challenged by the work, and checked out a bit.

Dinner was delicious, Indian food, and I was feeling up to giving my scheduled session tonight. I got to practice a Core Session, and it went quite well. Evened out all over again.

Now I'm determined to get into bed within the next ten minutes.

Posted by Josh A. at 09:49 PM | Comments (0)

January 10, 2005

Oh man

This morning I drew a new card: The Chariot.

My stream of consciousness summation written earlier tonight: What a day -- started so tired and just rolled right along -- here it is almost 11 and I barely noticed. I am tired, though, so much roller coaster today and waves of different emotions. I've felt unable to share in circles, 500 things flying around my mind competing for attention and none cutting past the fog to be clearly apprehended and spoken.

We learned the Core Session in Polarity today. It addresses core beliefs and issues, opens us to spiritual connection, and fosters well being. On a less intense level, it can address lethargy, poor digestion, lack of vitality, emotional imbalance, recovery from illnesses, etc.

It was our first session involving a contact anywhere near the perineal area. We located our partners' coccyx, or tailbone, and held contact just off to the side with one thumb; with our other arm we performed elbow slides down either side of the spine (lamina groove), stopping at points of tenderness, tension or energetic stuckness, an toning to release them. That entire process is called the Sympathetic Nervous System Release.

Only one half of class got to give in the morning; I received, and don't have anything spectacular to report. The tenor of the entire class was odd today. Anyway, tomorrow and Wednesday we learn Perineal Contacts, and Thursday we learn a group Polarity Circle. And then that's the end! Horrors.

Supposedly we get "integration" over the next three weeks, covering joint mobilizations, lymphatic drainage, and integrating these, along with Polarity and Shiatsu, into our Swedish sessions. Personally I'm more interested in integrating mobilizations and Polarity with Shiatsu and leaving out the rest. Energy, absolutely... joints, sure... lymph? LYMPH? That's disgusting. No lymph. Go walk around or something. You're your own lymph pump. Leave me alone.

One good day of the week and I'll be up again. One good day of the week, I'll be higher than the government.

(Starsailor)

Kinesiology was nice. We talked about our Funny Walks, went over some muscles and attachments, and spent some time drawing and cutting out muscle models.

During break I took some info to the student store, regarding some particular glass water bottles I'd like them to buy--Miron bottles. The glass is awesome, it's violet and made in Switzerland. Only lets in a particular part of the light spectrum.

I spent the rest of the afternoon reading our Polarity handouts, talking Tarot with Nishkama, and dealing with a bit of unsavory business with... well, an unsavory business. I won't link to them, but it's Stormsong.com. I absolutely can't recommend enough that you don't buy anything from them. NASTY.

More than a week before my break, I placed a small order... well in time to receive it before I would leave Heartwood for the holidays... especially given the $6.45 they charged me for shipping. Well, "shipping & handling." As the price was almost enough to send my package Priority twice over, I figured all was well and happily waited for my package.

First day of break, the last thing I did before leaving was check my mail. No package.

Grrr. This meant I was left without, among other things, a pendulum for break.

When I returned two weeks later the package was of course here. I opened the envelope and dumped out an array of disappointment. Out of three items, one was misrepresented and one was the wrong size. I had ordered a 4x6 pouch; what I was received was barely 3x4. I checked my packing list and my order report on their website to make sure nothing was wrong there; everything seemed to be in order, except for the product I held in my hand.

The other problem was the shipping. The envelope was marked 3oz First Class Zone 8. Which translates to a grand total of: eighty three cents. $0.83. This means "handling" accounted for $5.62? Ridiculous. I happen to have owned a mail order business; I know that there are costs beyond the postage. I also know they don't add up to $5 an order. If they do, you have a problem.

Beyond that, I still don't find it acceptable to charge handling, certainly not such excessive handling. This should be built into the prices of the items. Of course the Stormsong website claims that they charge under suggested retail for most items because they feel suggested retail is often too high. Yet they have no qualms gouging customers with bogus handling fees? Personally, we always charged our customers actual shipping and set our product prices accordingly.

Of course I first tried to contact the merchant. The curt reply I received explained their THREE DAY RETURN POLICY and their "non-negotiable, non-refundable" handling charges.

They also had the gall to tell ME that I received what I ordered.

I wrote back, explaining more, and offering another opportunity to make things right. The reply I received still has me in awe. They responded to none of my concerns, and instead simply said that "pouches industry wide are measured including seam width" and that this must be where MY "confusion lies as to the sizing".

I promptly responded that I would be disputing their charges with my credit card company, and that they would be held accountable for their poor business practices. Of course they didn't reply to that; it's clear they have no regard for their customers.

Assume a customer did order the wrong pouch size simply because they don't know how the captains of the pouch manufacturing industry choose to measure their product. Immediately I have a problem communicating with customers about my inventory. Of course I'm going to let them exchange it for what they actually need. This is how you win people's hearts, minds, and business. Not by trying to force them to keep something that's of no use to them.

So today I called and disputed the charges. An investigation is underway and a provisional credit will be issued to my account. I don't know if things have changed, but a couple years ago the dispute process was biased heavily in favor of the customer. "Dispute" is kind of a misnomer, since it implies the merchant has more than a slim chance of prevailing. Merchants are treated like the scum of the credit business.

For example, as a merchant, you have to pay a monthly fee simply to be told how much you owe your processor. The customer's bank charges you, your bank charges you, a percentage fee is taken, and a transaction fee, every time someone enters their credit card number and hits "Submit". In addition to all of that, you might pay a monthly flat fee. As if that weren't enough, they charge a setup fee when you sign up for the privilege.

Having disputes can raise some of those charges. Having too many can result in your merchant account being cancelled.

Not my problem. They had more than enough chances to treat me like they actually valued my business. They should be OUT of business as far as I'm concerned.

In supervised practice I gave the Core Session to my partner from the morning. Soyka remarked that my body mechanics tonight were some of the best she'd seen me in. The session went well, although it didn't seem all that special on my end. Many folks had some remarkable experiences receiving though.

Afterward, we had closing circle and shared experiences. Quite emotional for me to hear! And at one point I was hit by the thought that "I'm so going to miss all of you" (when I graduate and leave). Right about that time Soyka reminded us that the present moment is all we've ever really got. And I guess we don't even really "have" that. Anyway, I just concentrated on feeling our moments in the circle as deeply as possible.

I spent a period of time in my life practicing a skill I like to call "Easy Come, Easy Go"... I wish I was feeling in touch with it tonight. I've been able to see people as breaths before. Just because I took a breath before, and just because I'll take a new breath after, doesn't make this breath any less important. Easy come, easy go. Breathing easily, taking in the new, releasing the old.

I feel like I'm holding my breath.

Posted by Josh A. at 10:28 PM | Comments (2)

January 07, 2005

Power's out

No update tonight....

Posted by Josh A. at 10:44 PM | Comments (0)

January 06, 2005

From tired to fired (up)

First up, there's a severe weather warning for my area beginning Friday morning and continuing until Noon on Sunday. Snow could go as low as 1,000 ft, with 6 to 12 inches expected at elevations above 1,500. Heartwood's Lodge is at 1,800.

I have no doubt we'll lose power at some point. So, maybe no updates... especially if we lose phone service.

I barely got out of bed today, except I knew I'd be receiving a session. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Today one of the chants we did included some "Allah Hoo"-ing (I love Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan's Allah Hoo song), and afterward Nishkama talked about how powerful she thinks it is for Americans to gain connection to that name of God, for peace and such.

As I was sitting there listening, I recalled a quote from the Green Hope Farm newsletter, "The intention of any human drama is to move us towards a clearer view of truth." and waves of emotion went through me, over the backlash against Islam in general, and what the U.S. government is doing in particular.

My intentions for the session included to burn through my stuckness, to be in my own power, and to have an abundance of energy... pretty good for a Fire (Rajasic) session, although after hearing more in class about some of the other session types, a different one might be more appropriate.

I moved a lot of energy during the session... I think Shannon and I worked well together. Two things stuck out most:

One, my grandfather showed up in my head while one of my thighs was being worked. I felt like he was standing to one side of the table, watching, connecting. And all I could think at first was, "How dare you die." As I let go of that, I had a feeling of grandfathers of grandfathers of grandfathers, back through generations.

Two, I remembered that a big part of me doesn't want my power, and I was able to connect that the part of me that's like a little boy that doesn't want to grow up is an aspect of that.

My body was buzzing by the time it was over. So much had come up, from sadness and grief, to anger, to joy and laughter. Talk about stirring things up.

Afterward we did heart circle, but I wasn't ready to verbalize about the experience. Next week.

I dragged into class feeling like hell, and I left feeling fantastic. After lunch, Steve and Kala and I hiked through the woods, saw Jamison's kittens, walked past many little waterfalls in a creek, and finally up to a 360 degree vantage point, which was awesome. I hadn't been there yet.

When I got home, I finished my filing and got to work on my new sign up sheet for a bit before dinner.

After dinner was Nishkama's first Tarot Class. We covered the first seven cards of the Major Arcana and some basics about Pentacles. Over the course of the next three weeks we'll cover the remaining cards. Her primary interest, though, is with things we can't get out of a book, namely her own experiences over the years and working as a group on card interpretation and such.

That, working with others, is really the most helpful I think.

After dinner, I finally finished my poster. I was trying to do some calligraphy (in a sense), rendering the word Polarity by hand with brush & ink, but eventually had to give up. :-( In the end, I located the perfect font with, of all things, the pendulum.

signup_polarity.jpg

Posted by Josh A. at 10:41 PM | Comments (0)

January 05, 2005

Las llaves

Today certainly had its ups and downs. Through most of them I stayed positive, or at least regained a good attitude within a short amount of time. I've been trying not to get wrapped up in story and just deal with each present moment.

Nonetheless, I've been feeling out of my power today. In its place, I often felt like I was "doing everything wrong". I'd like to find some quicker paths out of that state... especially something I can do while, say, hiking up a dirt trail. Rather than ensconced in a quiet, private room.

I stumbled through Polarity. After the usual chanting and meditation, we had some lecture on theory, and then a demo of the Rajasic Session. We got to step through each of the pieces in order, and then actually give (or receive) the whole session, verbally guided by the instructor. I gave today, and will receive first thing tomorrow.

This was actually ideal, as I don't think I would have dealt with with receiving today. The Rajasic session stirs things up, and I was wide open (ungrounded) to be stirred, possibly without being able to properly manage the experience. I'm confident that tomorrow will be more appropriate.

Yay Wednesdays. Hydrotherapy was only five weeks, so this afternoon was open. After lunch I took care of random stuff... paid bills, mailed a letter to my grandma, cleaned, did some homework, took apart most of my files in preparation to organize them better... and finally gave myself a footbath.

They're only supposed to be 20 minutes, but I lost track of time and went for 30... made me late for dinner, which was perfectly ok ;-) Since I now have my essential oils to play with, I used some: tea tree, eucalyptus, lemon, lavender, and myrrh. Put on some music, a hot water bottle between me and the chair, and read the Green Hope Farm newsletter. Just what I needed. Cut my tension level by half and dropped the pain in my back a decent amount.

After dinner was a Community Heart Circle, but I wasn't feeling it. Turned in my homework, wandered the student store (I like looking at the pretty products), and came back down to my room.

Piddled away the evening with the chat and the email and the web surfing... wasn't feeling too good. Took a drop of seven different Flower Essences... changed the music (Nine Inch Nails -> Piebald)... monitored my self-talk... decided to write a decent journal entry. Feeling a lot better.

Sometimes choosing to feel differently looks like a locked door. Sometimes it takes multiple keys.

Posted by Josh A. at 09:23 PM | Comments (0)

January 04, 2005

Polarity saves the day

One thing I forgot to mention yesterday was doing the "health history"/"client assessment" check-in for Polarity class... I got to experience watching two students go through it the first time, and then experience doing it with Soyka... I was amazed at how quickly she was able to get us through it. Her active listening skills homed right in on the essentials of what I was telling her, short-circuiting any potential to get caught up in story(telling).

What a model: later that night, at Supervised Practice, I was the first practitioner out the door to go wash my hands.

I slept in this morning, trying to give myself a chance to get over my cold. Unfortunately, when I finally dragged my sack of bones out of bed and up the hill, I was in no state to be giving any sessions. So, I partnered with someone who was willing to let me receive first. We traded full Sattvic sessions, and my intention was "to feel good enough to get through giving my half of this trade, and hopefully the whole day" .

Intention manifested. My throat and head felt better enough to give the full session, which was quite enjoyable actually, and I made it through the day feeling pretty good, emotionally/mentally if not physically.

Soyka did say something in class that struck me... at the end, she asked someone "So, would you say giving is receiving?" responding to his description of how good giving the session felt for them... the reply was positive, and she said that's a good indication that a particular modality is "for you".

Well! What a way to look at things. Giving Shiatsu is very much receiving for me. I feel blessed to be able to work on people in that way. Reiki is also often similar for me, although I use it as much on myself as others. As for EFT, I'm so grateful just to be "let in" enough to do it with anyone... similar story. Anyway, I'll be holding the question with me as I continue learning new techniques.

I lived through A&P 2 (Repiratory system test) and TPS.

Dinner was yummy Indian food. Red lentil daal, sweet potato curry, rice, spiced apple chutney, ghee, and suchlike. I read our Polarity text and then some of the literature I got from Green Hope Farm.

When I got back to my room, checked my phone messages, email, and to do list... I was feeling overwhelmed with everything in my life. Took some Essences (Rock Rose and Star of Bethlehem) and got the most important stuff done.

So I want to get to bed soon... I want to go to Yoga tomorrow. Wednesdays are so looked forward to now... only one required class, and the entire afternoon to get stuff done!

Posted by Josh A. at 08:32 PM | Comments (0)

January 03, 2005

Back from Winter Break

Jamison and I arrived at Heartwood last night to find the power out and the phones down. Grrreat. Driving up was like being on some other planet. We exchanged conversation that included sentences like "How beautiful." and "This is WAY too much snow for anywhere in California."

Yes, it's snowed on our little mountain. More than several inches. And someone (not from Heartwood) was killed approaching a downed power line :-(

So I shivered to sleep in someone else's bed (no idea where they were). The power was up before I was. Not too shabby, though, I both showered and made it to yoga this morning.

We started our two weeks of Polarity today! Yayayayay!

Soyka is teaching, and so after a brief check-in we started class with some chants and meditation to get into the right space after break.

All we really did was go over class expectations, get some handouts, and work on doing her style of bodywork intro... what things to go over with a client, how to set the space, etc. And then we practiced a head hold... Amy calls it the 10th-Cranial Hold, Soyka calls it Quiet Heart Hold. In any case it involves hands under the occiput, forefingers along the Vagus nerve.

Brushed down to the feet, another hold, pretended like we had done a whole session, ended it with a Polarity-style energy brush off... this involves the client sitting up (since Polarity is, when done on its own, a clothed modality). A brush off in front, one in back with hands crossing at the neck and hips, and one involving one hand in front and one in back coming over the head and down to the ground. Eh, interesting.

Tomorrow we'll learn the entire Sattvic session (Polarity has several styles of sessions for different purposes) and complete half a trade.

oK, I know you're wondering, but no, I can't tell you what Polarity is. It's Day 1. Polarity practitioners seem to have a difficult time explaining what it is. Back in Rochester, a Registered Polarity Practitioner published a monthly complementary/alternative health magazine, advertised himself and other Polarity practitioners, and even had articles on it, and I couldn't tell what the devil it was all about.

The author of on of our Polarity books writes that describing Polarity to someone who's never received it is like trying to describe precious gems to someone who's never seen them.

Sounds like a cop out to me. More to come.

After class, Soyka did some Polarity on me to help me back. There was definitely some movement and releasing... both in terms of the physical (throbbing near my sacrum) and the emotional (sadness held in a point in my pelvis)... but I didn't feel much less pain upon getting off the table. Sometimes it can take work 24 hours for effects to be felt. Hopefully I'll feel better in the morning.

Despite lack of instant bliss, I felt very taken care of. I was so surprised and grateful that she would do that for me, and cutting into her lunchtime to boot.

I was planning to get work from Soyka soon anyway, so this was like a taste of things to come.

Kinesiology went well. We went over our Test #1, and have been directed to rewrite parts of it. We also went over what we'll be doing for Test #2... called The Academy of Funny Walks. More on that some other time.

We're also cutting muscles out of Naugahyde to layer on skeletons, drawing the shapes to fit the attachment sites, and drawing on the muscle fibers and whatnot. All much more educational than I ever suspected. After having done some of it, my initial skepticism and resistance faded, washing away any potential for resentment with them. So that's nice.

Three things have characterized my day:

1) My couching and sinus issues

2) My aching lower back -- no idea why

and

3) I felt so out of it, and unprepared. No sheets for class, etc. I was lucky I had a pen and paper.

Glad I feel better now... I printed my weekly and monthly calendars, cleaned a bit, even managed to study for the A&P test tomorrow.

Posted by Josh A. at 10:18 PM | Comments (0)