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January 19, 2005
I want bodywork
We spent pretty much all of Massage Theory today on joint mobilizations, which I found thoroughly enjoyable. I like moving peoples limbs around. I'm also still excited about learning Cliff's Universal Joint Technique at the convention. Good stuff to tie together.
We've been starting and ending class with toning, at my suggestion. I was reading about Ah being the sound of attraction and Om being the sound of gratefulness, and using Ah in the morning to invite manifestation, and Om before bed to be grateful for it. So, Ah to begin class and Om to close it.
Lunch was really tasty... peanut butternut squash soup, wild rice, green beans, carrots, and the ever-present, ever-important bitter greens. As usual I doused my rice in olive oil, lemon juice, tamari, and turmeric. No dulce today.
We had an unfortunate reschedule of a class for Wednesday. So, Kinesiology 9 here in Week 8. At least that means easy sailing come Week 10.
Anyway, it was all muscle review... origins, insertions, actions. Tests 1 & 2 were open ended and creative; the final exam will be the evil exam all about muscles.
I spent time tonight doing some processing. Between feeling stressed (overfull plate) and scared (graduation), my motivation's gone awol, and I realized that the whole "tired of life" thing I've done alot over the past 6 years or so is just defense. And all this time I thought it was a cause rather than a symptom.
It's like when the small band of heroes finally come of the crest into full view with... THE MASSIVE OPPOSING ARMY... and says "FuuuUuuUUuuCK meeeeee."
And I'm the "Fuuuuuck meeee" guy.
Looking at life, some deep part of me says "I don't want to do all that fighting just to lose." This is the "just lay down and die" part.
When I realized that contained in this was the belief "I will lose," I made a list of 9 important, mostly early, losses/fights and did some preliminary EFT work on them. Turns out they're big, bad, and difficult (so far) to budge. Well no, I got them all down, some by quite a bit, but that only resulted in a one-point change for the overarching issue, i.e. the "I will lose" belief.
Of course. The supporting pillars have to be completely demolished, not just chipped at a bit, before the roof collapses in on itself.
But I was hoping.
Posted by Josh A. at January 19, 2005 10:16 PM