« One test down, one to go | Main | Lymph is gross »
January 25, 2005
Home stretch
This morning I was laying semi-conscious in bed, and said to myself "Get up, you just have to get through Massage class. It's an easy day." And then I realized... "Shit, no it's not! It's Tuesday. Not only do you have class until dinner, but you have a test. STAY IN BED."
Even people at Heartwood have trouble understanding that the class is not called "Swedish", but "Massage Theory & Technique". First, there were the five weeks when Amy taught us something we might call "Swedish Plus"... then there were two weeks of Polarity. Now that we have Donna, we're doing integration and will start Lymphatic soon. So that's why it's called MT&T.
Today we traded integrated sessions, with a "mostly swedish" stipulation... I felt like I gave a decent one, although 60 minutes just isn't very much time. Once again the anterior legs were given the shortest shrift possible. It was mostly Swedish, with a little six pointed star (polarity) and universal joint technique (shiatsu) thrown in.
While I gave, Donna coached me on a number of things... mostly how to use my forearm to effect more pressure. Also some alternate petrissage techniques. It's become apparent that The Sequence, while a great learning tool, has been on terminal life support and it's time to just unplug it.
So Jim said he would let me watch his basic sequence sometime. Maybe if I'm nice enough, he'll make it come true ;-)
Lunch was supposed to be cramming for the test. Instead, I read Learning to Love Yourself, by Gay Hendricks. oK, so the title SUCKS. But don't let it keep you from reading a good book. While some parts seem a little too basic to me, the bulk of the book seems pretty valuable.
In the first chapter, the author writes about how as children many of us experienced people trying to talk us out of our own experiences, e.g. "It's not a big deal", "Don't cry", "There's nothing to be scared of", possibly quite often.
That got me thinking about how often adults do that to each other.
And notice the lack of conscious communication. In saying "It's not a big deal" we fail to take responsibility for what is actually our own feeling, attempting to externalize our personal subjective experience into an objective truth. "Don't cry" is an imperative, an order rather than a request, and possibly almost always inappropriate. "There's nothing to be scared of" states the irrelevant, ignoring the fact that the other person feels fear, and thus fails to address the actual issue at hand.
So the author mentions that one reason people try to talk us out of our experience is because they feel bad when we feel bad. And there's the thing that I get most irritated about when it comes to "fixing"... so often, the rush to "fix" my "problem" has nothing to do with my feelings or truly caring about me, but the would-be rescuer's own discomfort. I find it much more caring to be allowed my experience and my process. Hopefully this extra clarity helps me the next time I get the urge to "fix".
Another bit I'm finding valuable: this concept of "loving whatever you can from wherever you are"... an easy example is the situation of feeling dislike for someone. Often, we can't go straight from that to loving the person, but first have to love ourselves disliking them. Then we can move to loving the other person. I think this is the case when we have judgments about feeling dislike.
So, Anatomy & Physiology, Part Deux. (God, there will be a part three next quarter. This is turning into yet another series of cheesy horror movies.)
The test was nuttier than previous tests. Luckily there was a group part, on acid/base balance. But we were out on our own for the digestive and urinary systems. It went oK; I think I got Honors, or Merit at the least. A couple stupid mistakes, but all things considered I'm pretty happy with that.
Testing took way too long. There was no time for the vaguely described demo, and not really enough time for end-of-quarter evaluations. I still have mine, half filled out, in my binder. Ahh well.
Therapeutic & Professional Skills class was the usual. Our class is so low energy. Amy comes in and we're all on the floor. "oK, everybody stand up," she announces. Some people half-heartedly wave a limb or two.
So we did a sitting warm-up. She called words like "Fear", "Joy", "Irritation", "Acceptance" and we noticed what we felt in our bodies. Pretty odd... I felt Judgment in my sides... Rage as spiky red energy growing up out of my Governing Vessel meridian like some sort of punk rock razorback dog... Acceptance along the Yin areas of my body... some things I felt very much in the muscles of my chest, others in my lungs... Fear I felt in my core, along my spine.
Then we did some group work, talking about how we felt in our bodies. I felt very resistant to the entire exercise. I felt "bodied out". Of course, when someone really went deep into their experience, I felt envious. And I realized, after 9 weeks, that I still don't feel safe in the class. I've identified at least three reasons: one, container was never respected (in my eyes) from the very first class, and never established with me; two, the class is just too big; and three, we haven't spent any time in class doing any group building. I feel no cohesiveness or trust in the group itself.
At least one other person has similar feelings, so we'll be bringing this up at evaluations next week.
We finished with a discussion of healthy communication schtuff. The stuff I actually get some energy over.
That reminds me: at the AOBTA convention, Efrem Korngold (co-author of Between Heaven and Earth) quoted Korzybski ("The map is not the territory.") but failed to actually name him ("A famous semanticist said that.") Maybe Efrem, like me, has no clue how to pronounce Korzybski properly?
Heh. Ambiguity. So there are evaluations as in mid-quarter and end-of-quarter where the students evaluate the class and the instructor(s); and, there are evaluations as in I have to work on Donna King next Monday (mock terror!) so she can verify with her direct experience that I'm not inept.
Oh yeah, also in TPS... Joanna was joking around, prostrating to Jana and mumbling about worshipping her, and I started egging her on... "You can get lower than that"... "Kiss her feet... No, really kiss them."... "Did Jana say you could get up?" Always fun to torture the willing; reminded me of the time Desmond and I put his niece in a collar and fed her dog biscuits.
Tonight someone helped me realize an area where I've been taking more than 100% responsibility.
When meeting other guys, I've been dancing this dance I've made up, called "When's the Best Time to Tell Him I Have a Boyfriend?" The theory went something like this: even though my relationship doesn't limit the type of relationships I might develop, other people might jump to conclusions and limit themselves when getting to know me. SO, I can't tell them too soon. Of course, I can't tell them too late, either; that's leading someone on.
Fuck that. I realized that I'm not responsible for the ways in which other people choose to limit themselves. Moreover, this can work to my advantage as a self-selecting process. Frankly, I want quality relationships with people who work to unlimit themselves.
So I'm on the last mile. Science classes are over. Hydrotherapy was already over. I just have massage classes, sessions, evals, and one TPS class to go. Woo.
Posted by Josh A. at January 25, 2005 09:59 PM
Comments
What does "container was never respected" mean?
I'm with you on the fear thing. Perhaps afraid of different things, but I get a lot of fear. What does it mean, having your emotions in parts of your body? What's the difference between fear in your belly and fear along your spine and fear in your ankle?
Posted by: Ari Moore at January 26, 2005 06:14 AM
I just realized I never actually journaled about the details of what happened that evening, Day 2 Quarter 2 TPS Class 1.
Backstory: safety agreements are set up before groups move, interact, share, or take any kind of physical or emotional risks. Agreements like confidentiality (you are free to talk about your own experiences, but not those of others without their permission), discussion (not really appropriate to ask people at the salad bar how their emotional process is coming), and physical safety (everyone agrees to take care of their bodies, other bodies, and the items in the space).
Many here refer to this as setting up the "safe container" in which people can feel safer to take risks and access their "stuff".
Long story short: we were asked to do an interactive movement exercise BEFORE any container was created. Because the class was composed of returning students and new students, there were people who's names I didn't even know. I got pretty triggered, and ended up spending class talking with the student counselor.
When I went back to talk to the instructor and TA, I can't say the response I got helped address or shift anything that happened or how I felt.
Containers can be delicate... being able to hear people in the waiting room while in session with your counselor, for example, can impede your work with her.
Anyway, bodily sensations... not sure what information you're asking for. "What does it mean" could mean "I'm not reaching you, what are you talking about?" or it could mean "What's the significance?"
I don't know that there's any significance to where the sensations came up, but the importance is recognizing that different feelings can result in different "felt sensations", and that they're different in different people. The bodily awareness can help us know in stressful situations how we're actually feeling. "Oh, I know I'm angry but there's that fear sensation in my chest too. I wonder what I'm afraid of."
At least that's some of what I got out of the exercise. You might try asking yourself "Where do I feel that in my body?" after speaking or hearing things, for a day or week or however long. It works best on things that are hard to say or hear, like "I'm willing to love myself even though... ________."
Posted by: Josh A. at January 26, 2005 02:48 PM
Cool, thanks. I've used containers before and loved them, but I'd always called them just "ground rules" -- containers is much more interesting and descriptive though. Nice.
As for the emotions-in-bodyparts thing, I guess I was asking both questions. I think I get it now; I'd just never thought about my feelings residing anywhere in particular, and I wasn't sure why their location would matter. Your example's a useful one.
Posted by: Ari Moore at January 27, 2005 01:51 PM