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December 09, 2004
False-to-fact?
This morning I got out of bed at 9:00am. Class starts at 9:00. As I got ready, I had the insight that I'm being given the opportunity to make different choices. But I don't want to make choices, I want everything fixed for me.
Other things work like that. I never expected the amazing positivity last week. I didn't have to be tested with angry or depressing circumstances to "make different choices". Of course, maybe that's now
As I walked in on movement warmups just before ten after, everyone let up a little cheer. "Yay." The emotional jaw in my head dropped. As I was coming up the trail, I was imagining myself in class judging someone in my position: "Ugh. They're late AGAIN." Guess it's good I'm the late one, because everyone seemed understanding. They know I've been struggling, and I felt so supported and celebrated in my place in my process.
I had my first really good experience receiving the work today. No coincidence that it comes on the heels of last night's conversation from someone who really appreciates and honors Swedish-style bodywork. I could hear the passion as she talked about the benefits she had received from it over the years. That was more important than her words, most of which I can no longer remember.
So while I was receiving the work (we did the arm sequence today) and feeling so good, I took the opportunity to do affirmations. Affirmations + feeling really good = manifestation rocket fuel. I chose "I deeply and completely accept, love, and nurture myself."
Today was heart circle, done after the bodywork. We had 30 minutes to get through 12 people, and we did. It didn't feel particularly rushed, even though it was palpably short. During my turn, I said I was grateful for the opportunities to learn from everyone through the issues that have been up for us this quarter, opportunities that I wouldn't have if everything were just "fixed" immediately.
That was the only class of the day, and I took a long lunch. So long, Max came to check to see if I was done with my dishes. I wasn't, and he assured me not to rush. I read Natural Home and considered what to do with the day. It feels good to be moving toward wanting to "go green"... err, greener. It's not really something you "finish".
Anyway, I didn't really want to do anything. I was feeling pretty "blah" and decided to be quiet a moment and just listen.
I ended up taking a walk. I hardly ever do that. Are you kidding? I don't have time to waste just wandering around. Besides, I walk every day. Rushed, trying to get from where I was to where I'm going. That counts, right?
Mm so I'm exaggerating to make my point. In reality, I do try to take time to notice while walking... things like slugs, sunrises, deer, and even the air. But I rarely just go walking.
The first thing I came across was the Labyrinth. I've never walked ours before, but I walked it today. I reached the center, and stopped to let the energy and emotions that came up drain out of me. Then I retraced my steps, wondering if I was unwinding or rewinding.
I found an awesome oak grove... saw some different mushrooms, mosses, and lichens... came across some mysterious part of our water system.
A large black rubber looking container, bigger than me, with hoses going in and out. I believe it takes waste water in at the top and outputs slightly cleaner waste water at the bottom, with oils and such floating on the top that have to periodically cleaned out. At least, that's my best guess based on things I've overheard and the way this thing looked.
When I got back to the main part of campus, I was feeling inspired to do my laundry and stop in at the Wellness Center. Dave is now running it... we talked about some things I might try taking, including Astra Essence, Triphala (an Ayurvedic standby), 8 versus 9 Flavor Tea Pills, etc. We also discussed the bone marrow soup project, which he doesn't feel the abundance of time to work on either... although he's never made it, so that's not a big deal.
At this point it looks like unless I just do it, it won't get done, and so I'm inclined to just sell what I produce myself. I bet the student store would sell it on consignment, and they've got a freezer. They bought 15 copies of a postcard I designed, and most have been sold already :-)
Laundry took forever. With only two washers and two dryers, and a community of over a hundred people, availability can be frustrating. But, it's done.
Haven't done much else... talked on the phone, hung out in the Lodge, chatted, made notes from an article on using Flower Essences to support yoga practice.
I still haven't shaken my "blah" feeling, even though having journaled I see that I've walked through the day with an attitude that doesn't necessarily fit the facts. It's one thing to talk about cultivating love & joy that's not dependent on external circumstances; it's another for the external circumstances to be what I would usually judge "good" and still feel down!
Posted by Josh A. at December 9, 2004 11:33 PM