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November 18, 2004
Thursday, tho art more glorious than
Typical morning from my past: the mere thought of getting out of bed was depressing. A "melancholy treasure come / to trouble the present" and it kind of scares me. I guess I get another opportunity to work on it. Today I had an offer for cranio & polarity; two other people have offered polarity... so the resources are there. I just need to say "yes" to the process.
Des did call this morning! He made it safely to Rochester. Unfortunately, in my stupor, his call had negligible effect on my actually getting out of bed and making it to Massage Theory on time. Thank the deity of your choice for such minor miracles.
As usual, sitting in circle with my beautiful classmates improved my mood dramatically. Plus, I had caught Shannon on his way up the hill and asked him to deal with breakfast for me. I ate my granola, kamut flakes, & soy milk at the beginning of class.
We started effleurage and petrissage today. I like how Swedish massage has French terminology. This is like being in Shiatsu all over again, but worse. Mostly because I'm not as excited about it. But here I am at square one, feeling completely uncomfortable with the body mechanics of the word, falling into a kind of helplessness, and not feeling as nurtured by the classroom environment.
I think it starts with the Kiva. It doesn't feel as sacred or "held" to me as the Barn does. Then we add in the lack of a TA, which means Amy doesn't have as much time for individual help. And finally, a pinch of self-fulfilling prophecy (potent stuff, a tiny bit will do).
I see how I'm creating lack, of nurturing and support. And I don't care to do the vibrational and other work it takes to turn that around. I just don't care.
I can't describe the underlying foundation any better than that. It's somewhat akin to a "learned helplessness" but it touches on so many things, from the shit that got stirred up Tuesday to, I believe, my birth. It's been a theme in my life; I can spot it in my memories, woven into so many past experiences. Of course it would come up here sooner or later.
Thursdays: easiest days. Massage Theory & Technique from 9:00 to 12:30, and then? Nothing. Nothing scheduled anyway. I read the first chapter of our Kinesiology textbook and took care of little random things.
During dinner I tried to watch this crazy documentary on this couple who write about relationships and authoritarianism, but after I was done eating I couldn't stay awake.
After dinner was Movement Magic! Woo. We had a good group tonight, and people even stayed after to play. I think I've written about Movement Magic before, but... briefly, it's a two part movement therapy workshop done twice a quarter here. Mikhael Smith comes from Arcata to facilitate it and it involves all kinds of movement, dance, and other exercises/games to explore, well, just about anything, I think. The loose theme for this workshop is Trust.
Some things that came out of it: experiences and discussion regarding eye contact, acknowledging people in our daily lives, communication vs reading/projection. I had an experience that really helped my understanding of control as an illusion, as a game, and as a co-created experience.
I also danced my ass off :-)
Posted by Josh A. at November 18, 2004 11:46 PM