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November 30, 2004
Tuesday, too
The week continues to rock. My optimism remains high.
Bits & pieces:
I got up early enough to shower, make my sign up poster, and get to breakfast.
I shed a tear in heart circle as someone shared a touching recent experience.
I wonder about the amount of breadth we're getting versus depth. But reflecting on the first quarter, I think it's ok. At least, we did get enough depth in Shiatsu for me to give kick ass sessions, even if I'm not proficient at every single thing we covered. I have usable skills, and a good idea of what's out there for further learning opportunities. I'm hoping for a repeat performance out of this quarter.
Manifesting seems really easy the past two days. From little things like finding my hole punch (it was stolen!) to peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, to things I've been wanting for a long time, like tea eggs at meals and the students having a voice. That last one's a bit complicated, but the bottom line is, an employee is actually creating space and time for students to be heard at least once, and put their energy into who comes to Heartwood to fill vacated positions.
The kitchen has been rocking it lately. Awesome bread, apple butter, and things I've already forgotten the names of but left delicious sensation behind.
I mentioned previously the Healing Candida class, which was tonight, and was awesome. I can't wait for muscle testing on Thursday (Kinesiology).
That's about it. I really wanted to be in bed 10 minutes ago! I was tired through parts of today.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:49 PM | Comments (0)
November 29, 2004
"Yay Monday"???
What a good Monday. I wish Week One had started like this.
Yoga was fine. It was basically a repeat of the first class. Apparently they've done asanas (poses) in other classes... the ones I didn't attend, of course. We'll see how it goes on Wednesday. Anyway, I still found myself resistant, but not as much, and I was able to stay present with it most of the time.
We started Tapotement in Massage Theory... rhythmic, percussive strokes. The names of the techniques are too funny: things like hacking, slapping, beating, and picking. I cracked a joke that BDSM stands for Bondage, Domination, Sadism, and Massage.
We were also advised not to use slapping on the gluteal muscles. I suppose that's no longer slapping, and becomes spanking, which it turns out is not a tapotement technique. In fact, it doesn't seem to be part of any therapeutic massage modality. Out of our scope of practice, I guess. Perhaps the sex surrogate profession has the market on that technique cornered.
You know, making these jokes is all we get right now. I don't really feel like I can bring up serious sexual issues in class, and at least one other student has confirmed the same feeling. Specifically I'd like to talk more about issues of arousal on the table. But after talking with people today, I feel more inclined to speak my truth even more loudly in class.
I talked about that with Surya today. I covered quite a bit with her actually. I showed her The Master Plan 2.0 and talked about feeling overwhelmed, feeling unable to ask for help, and my fears and judgments around time scheduling.
Kinesiology was a bit difficult. When I heard Soyka reiterate that we would need to be memorizing all the insertions and origins for the muscles, I felt overwhelmed. And my standard pattern in the past when feeling overwhelmed has been to check out, give up, dismiss, run away, or otherwise avoid or get out of doing whatever it was I felt overwhelmed by. Certainly my response has hardly, if ever, been to "give it my all."
"Give it my all." The phrase triggers me mildly. The wording is ripe for me, really good fodder for EFT or other tools. Sitting here I realize that the phrase itself feels scary and overwhelming. I see imagery of getting swept away in a wave, or becoming a victim of momentum, caught up in lack of control. I'll be keeping my "all", thank you very much.
Much to think about, but much already identified to shift.
I've been stuck in feeling unable to ask for help since Week One... when Soyka looks at me, I feel like she thinks that I "get it", most of it anyway, and I feel so behind I haven't wanted to show her the truth about it.
Today I realized that as much time as I spent, in 13 years of public schooling, being good at "getting it", I also spent a lot of time learning how to cover up what I "didn't get". In school I learned how to be inauthentic, because it wasn't safe to not have the right answer. Having the right answer, or rather the answer the teacher was looking for, was what it was all about.
In school I had a reputation, and that reputation kept me not only safe, but privileged, and and that age, that place in life (one of very little power, skills, or experience), I knew just enough not to let a little thing like the truth stand between it and me.
During my time with Surya, I affirmed, "I'm going to ask Soyka for help," but in this moment I see how that can be refined a bit. "I ask for the help I need." might do... at least it's in the present tense.
As for time, I am loathe to admit that I do much better with some structure around which to schedule. What this means is that, up until now, I have been unable create and live my own schedules. I spent several years self-employed and doing very little work... which is what happened when I could set my own work hours. As my intention is toward private practice, I absolutely need to shift this pattern if I'm to be successful in the future.
When I looked at my weekly calendar today, I felt so much better looking at the four days of classes. Those blocks of time are the cheekbones on which the face of my schedule hangs. Without them there is no beauty, only ugliness. All right, so I'm being dramatic. Fact is, I look at the remaining three days, WIDE OPEN prairies of peril, and feel fear, discomfort, apprehension, and judgment. My internal critic waits in the wings for a chance to tell me all the ways I'll "fuck up" and "fail to be productive" during those times.
Surya had me determine how much time I need to work outside of each class to be successful. I've done this in the past, before Heartwood, with at least one difference: I used to ask my mind. Today I asked my body, came up with numbers my head didn't believe, and I wrote them down anyway. We looked at how they could fit into the schedule, and I wrote them down.
Making out the weekly schedule is easy. Manifesting it is another thing. But, I'm not without support, tools, and resources. The Master Plan, the Polarity and other bodywork sessions, the self work all come into play. And Surya mixed another bottle of Bach Flower Essences for me.
It sounds like hocus pocus, but she used her pendulum to "say hello" (as one says in Surya-speak) to the papers with my Master Plan and weekly schedule on them, then used it to pick the perfect Essences to support me in them. For those familiar and interested, the pendulum indicated Beech, Chicory, Gentian, and Mustard.
So between creating the Plan, actually doing work both yesterday and today, making it to yoga, and getting the Flower Essences, I'm feeling really optimistic.
Awesome stuff this week. A friend of one of the people in enrollment is coming and giving some free workshops all this week: Healing Candida, Nutritional Kinesiology, and intensives on Bach Flower Essences (!) and Chakras. These are all things I've been interested in and not sure how I was going to learn anything more about while here... Thanks, Universe!
Supervised practice was fine. Went by quick. We listened to Enigma, practiced tapotement and friction mostly. I got glowing feedback, which I'm getting a bit tired of. Give me something to work with here, people. Maybe Swedish-style really is as simple as "rubbing oil on bodies". Although Jana has offered to give me a session... I know she can hold awesome space. I listened to her talk about where she's coming from, and have tentatively dubbed it Shamanic Swedish. It could become a whole new sub-modality :-)
I actually god to spend some time with Silas and Jana tonight. We've renamed their stuffed monkey Tapot (pronounced "ta-poe"... damned Frenchies) and videotaped him performing massage techniques of questionable legitimacy.
Also had a chance to talk about not feeling fully heard at Heartwood and where to take that. For now, I'll only share that this issue is up for us. Not really sure where it will go next.
Now (soon), sweet sweet sleep.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:32 PM | Comments (1)
Hellooo... YOGA
Look at me, up in time for yoga. 'Bout time.
I think I'll wear Desmond's duckie pants; the yoga teacher loves 'em.
While showering I was thinking about something that happened last night, and identified a new intention that needs to be added to the list. I haven't perfected the wording yet, but the issue surrounds being "in the moment" and getting so bogged down that I fail to speak my truth with people.
As I thought back on it, I remember my mind literally slowing down to a standstill, while not really being present in my body. I don't know where I was, but when I came back I sputtered something useless and ended the conversation pretty quickly.
Posted by Josh A. at 06:22 AM | Comments (0)
November 28, 2004
Sleep very soon
Many times when I end a journal entry with "sleep soon", "soon" turns out to be longer (sometimes much longer) than one might think. But not tonight! I hope.
I just finished receiving my first myofascial release session. It was done fully clothed, focused on my legs. Because fascia is all connected throughout the body, one can feel effects in parts other than those worked. I felt some releasing in my hands during this session.
The entire thing was very subtle and relaxing... like ortho-bionomy, it's mostly about listening to the client's body. My practitioner moved my legs around, first one and then the other, slowly and carefully, bending and twisting slightly. I'm looking forward to receiving more later in the quarter.
Today I laid out what I've dubbed "Master Plan 2.0" for bringing my development to the next level. I basically identified the most prominent areas for growth, set a number of intentions for each, and organized them all onto one page. In the center I identified the primary tools I'd like to use to address them, with Polarity at the top of the list.
The basic experiment is to take the entire sheet into my next Polarity session as "the intention". As in, "Here, all of this." I don't see why it shouldn't work: "My intention is to set each of these intentions into motion for my life."
Intense? Sure, but the past two weeks have already brought up more than I'm sure I can handle. So I might as well get behind the driver's seat with it. To that end, I included some meta-intentions, such as "To integrate all of these intentions with ease and grace." and "To allow these changes into my life quickly, efficiently, and smoothly."
Some other tools on the list were Bach Flower Essences, self-work, and bringing the intention into all of the sessions I receive, regardless of modality. So, I'll be talking to Surya tomorrow to get a new bottle of Essences. I'll continue with the usual self-work I do, which includes the acupressure, some energy work, and other various and sundry things I've picked up over the years. And finally, I do believe it could be powerful to work on these intentions during any kind of session, whether it be cranio-sacral or good old swedish.
So I'll be journaling in the future as to how it all works out.
I only got one of my sessions done... every possible sessions space was booked up. Wow. I've never seen that before. Must be a function of the holiday, everyone got back and got scrambling. Ahh well. Glad I booked one before leaving.
Other than that, it's so good to be back. I was really looking forward to meal time. Dinner was thai, which the kitchen is getting much better at. I really enjoyed the sweet rice, the hot chili oil, and whatever noodle dish they made.
Earlier I unloaded the car, dish laundry, cleaned the room a bit. More to be done, for sure. And I need to mix up some 3% hydrogen peroxide from the 12% food grade h2o2 I got at Rainbow.
The way to do that, btw, is with the formula s1v1 = s2v2, where s is strength and v is volume.
If I want to make 2oz of 3% from a stock solution of 12%, then I have:
s1 = 12%
v1 = unknown
s2 = 3%
v2 = 2oz
I need to find v1, so I divide both sides by s1 to get v1 = (s2v2)/s1
Putting in the values I know on the right side yields (3% * 2oz)/12%, or 6/12 = 1/2 = 0.5 oz
So I'll put half an ounce (3 Tsp.) of my stock peroxide into the 2oz dropper bottle I purchased, and then top it off with distilled water.
How geeky is that?
Posted by Josh A. at 09:57 PM | Comments (0)
November 27, 2004
Wrapping up Thanksgiving
Spent today wrapping up my trip. We went to Rainbow to get food grade hydrogen peroxide. I was disappointed that they didn't have the 35% I've been reading about, only 12%. I don't know that it matters in the end, but still. Have what I want, pleasethankyou.
Got cupping supplies (rubbing alcohol, 100% cotton balls, salve)... the first thing I did when we got back to the apartment was get the cups out to try... I still couldn't get them to create enough suction. I'm really disappointed. It was so easy in class, I don't honestly think I'm doing anything incorrectly. It's just not a difficult concept or procedure. Guess I'll have to ask around and see if anyone else has tried their cups, and with what degree of success.
Des got a new french press to replace the one that got broken in his suitcase on his Rochester trip. Best prices we've found are in the asian houseware shops on Clement St.
There's an aquarium on that street, so we looked at the fish and thought of Billy & Jeffy back in Rochester staring at Billy's tank for hours. I'd like a small marine tank when I get more settled. Just a 5 gallon micro-reef.
Stopped briefly at Green Apple books. I don't know why it's so famous, it's overpriced. I want better deals. They had an earlier edition of Paul's book on the shelves. They had a copy of Job's Body, but at less than 25% off the cover price for a new one, I was all about passing it up.
Ate at Le Soleil. Non-vegan, refined Vietnamese food. Bad food is just too convenient, and still tastes good. I even ate eggs. I didn't realize they were in something we ordered. So that's the second time in as many weeks. By this point I'm really looking forward to being back to Heartwood just for the food. Oh, and the not cooking and not doing dishes part, too.
I think over the next two quarters I need to work with my friends in the kitchen to find out how they make some things, particularly the sprouted pizza crusts, as well as how they learned this stuff. I don't want to be completely on my own when I leave in May.
So that's about it. If all goes well I should be back to Heartwood around 10.
Posted by Josh A. at 04:48 PM | Comments (0)
November 26, 2004
Tired
Bummed around downtown Santa Cruz with Des & my cousins... ate Italian near Boulder Creek... made it back to SF by a different route without getting lost. And now it's way past my bedtime :-)
Posted by Josh A. at 11:40 PM | Comments (0)
November 25, 2004
Turkey Day
Yay Santa Cruz. Woke up after another fitful night, went to Walgreens straightaway, purchased nasty cough syrup, showered and got ready, and hit the road.
The drive was quick and easy. Traffic wasn't bad. Weather's good, trees are pretty with a nice mix of fall colors + evergreen.
Saw my grandma :) Des finally got to meet my second cousins, Toni and Terryne. Traditional thanksgiving dinner was had. Factory farmed turkey, non-organic twice baked potatoes, refined white flour gravy, canned cranberry sauce :-) I ate all of it.
Tomorrow we'll bum around Santa Cruz, checking it all out. We saw a bit of it today after dinner, went and watched the sunset at the beach. First impression is, "Cool, but not sure why I would want to live here..." They have sunsets in San Francisco. But, trying to keep an open mind. Don't want to close myself off from things.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:27 PM | Comments (0)
November 24, 2004
Almost thanksgiving
Oh my god. I was awake until 1:00am coughing. And then I finally fell into some kind of fitful half-sleep, but kept waking myself up coughing. Like at 5am. And then by the time I felt like things had calmed down and I was really enjoying being in bed, it was time to get up and go to class.
We started Friction today. Great. It's still hard to be excited about it. I remember in the beginning with Shiatsu I had these feelings of "Ok great, but I still can't DO much of anything." The difference was, we had a good overview of where it was all going and I felt an eagerness to get there. In this class, I don't know where we're going, and so I've been hanging back, reluctant, wondering if this is all worth my time and interest.
So reading that I think I know where to go next, especially given that I've technically committed to spend the time regardless of where it goes. Might as well be proactive about all of this.
Hydrotherapy is such a great class. We did foot baths, fomentations (basically, hot compresses), and contrasts (hot & cold dunks). So pampering.
So we all watched our time really well, got through everything planned, and impressed Soyka (and myself, for that matter) so much with our enthusiasm.
Meals have been a bit lacking lately. The kitchen crew is putting all of their effort into Thanksgiving preparation, with less important things like, oh, what I'm going to eat today falling lower and lower on the priority list. That would be great if I were actually staying for Thanksgiving.
Instead, I packed up and took off. There were a lot of cars, it seemed, on 101 N, and almost none on my side. That's good, but not what I expected.
Tonight, SF. Tomorrow, Santa Cruz.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:01 PM | Comments (0)
November 23, 2004
Colds bad, drugs good
Today was lame. My cold has been kicking my ass, making me hate life.
I got through Massage Theory fairly well. I let Amy know that it was a way off day for me. Thankfully we didn't have to bust out the tables today and do anything very active.
Lunch was difficult, between coughing in between bites and the inflamed taste bud on my tongue that made eating painful. The Lodge gets loud at mealtimes, so I cut out early and went up to the Barn to wait for A&P.
I got a headache, which sucked. We talked more about the nervous system, and it was really hard to stay present with both the pains and the material. I hate not being able to focus on information I'm actually interested in.
The problem with attending hippie camp is that no one has pain killers. Not that many people carry codeine with them anyway. What I wouldn't have done for some Codral, night formula. Mmm... codeine.
Struggled through TPS. It was fine. We went over ethical considerations. At the end I got the idea to ask Amy if she had anything useful. She DID. Two ibuprofen later I was done hating everyone around me and back to just hating my own life.
Before you ask, YES. I tried every relevant acupoint I could think of. I tried reflexology. I tried breathing exercises and visualization. Those things don't always work when what you really need is to be sleeping.
I had kamut and salad for dinner. Nothing else looked good.
My yoga teacher talked to me afterward. About that whole me never coming to class thing. He basically just wanted to know if there was anything he could do to help or support me. There isn't. Well short of teaching class at a different time.
So, we conclude week two, day two, of my not-so-gentle process for this quarter.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:08 PM | Comments (0)
November 22, 2004
One day, it will be Monday and then
Today was not as bad as a Monday could have been.
I talked to Amy about how I have tended to experience bodywork class here.
She first met me, and spent most all of our interaction time, in Communication Skills class. I explained how this meant that she got to know me "in my element". I don't just swim in it, I do tricks in it. I play and jump about excitedly in it.
Modality classes are the opposite. They are on my edge. They often bring up strong emotions in me. I often feel a need for more attention in class, more help, more support. I sometimes feel like the worst student in the class. So I summed it up, saying, "This is hard for me."
She thanked me for bring it to her awareness, and class went amazingly smooth today. I felt more supported, the time went by quickly, and we covered arms and anterior legs.
Kinesiology was fun and went by fast. We looked at movers of the neck/head and spine/trunk. We'll have to know the major movers, their actions, and their origins and insertions... down pat. Flash cards will be essential, I think.
I feel behind already, really out of it with the muscular anatomy. I still don't have a feel in my body for, say, the splenius muscles, or the obliques (let alone cervicus versus capitus, or internal versus external). Hey, getting clear on hamstrings versus quads was a big deal for me. And I still don't think I have a trapezius. It's a really thin muscle and I just don't feel the dang thing. It's not like the sternocleidomastoid that just bulges out when we turn our head to one side.
We did this posture exercise, and Soyka came around to adjust my head & neck... she explained that at the point when I, internally and subjectively, feel alignment, my chin and head are still out, saying "You're a future kind of guy, come back to the present." Well, I walked around like that and it's amazing how a simple postural change can bring up such emotional discomfort. Big surprise, I'm not really comfortable in the present. Who is? Go read The Power of Now again.
Watching anatomy with Doc Ock freaks me out. Our entire head pivots around a very small vertebral protrusion called the odontoid process... and it's just not very big around. Any good bottom can tell you, it's girth that's important. So watching a dissection of a real live (dead) atlanto-axial joint just brings too strongly into my reality the fact that the only thing standing between us and a dislocated head is this leeeetle pinky finger looking excuse for a bone. Oh, and a network of insanely strong ligaments, fascia, and layer after layer of muscles. But who's counting.
Tonight was Supervised Practice.
It. Was. Awesome.
I walked into the Kiva to find hot massage music playing, candles, and dimmed lights.
One word: Erica.
To paraphrase Jana, "This was earth-mama-nurturing show-you-what-it's-all-about" tone setting and space holding. She had asked us to come in a full half hour early, and this was why. We had time to do some movement, come together in a circle, and listen to an important song she wanted us to hear.
Some of us find ourselves missing Erica and Kassy, not just because we like them, but because of the space they held for us. I have no doubt that Amy can do so amazingly well; I don't understand why she hasn't seemed to do so with us.
So even though I had difficulty remembering the way we were shown to work the arms, and felt really off with the treatment, and have pain in my mid-back... the energy was great, my client was so grateful, and Erica said my body mechanics looked great. (Yeah, I looked around to see who she was talking to.)
So according to Louise Hay, mid-back pain can represent guilt/not releasing the past. I'm just hoping this shift upwards means I've made good progress with the Kidney work I've been doing. I wonder if mid-back isn't related to the Lungs.
We got our TCM cups tonight. I bought four, two small and two large. I cannot wait to begin using them. I think I wrote about them when we did cupping in Shiatsu last quarter, but basically you create a vacuum in them and apply them to the skin. The suction keeps them on. Great for dispersing excess... helping colds and flus... and it feels really good :)
Posted by Josh A. at 11:55 PM | Comments (0)
November 21, 2004
In which I escape from Eureka
I didn't drink enough water last night, so despite sleeping in, my head still hurt at 12:30 this afternoon. Damned pinot noir. And cabernet. And shiraz.
Nonetheless, I think I had a fairly "joyful awakening" so I'm pleased with the results of my polarity session so far. Tomorrow, of course, will be the test... when the alarm clock goes off and class is nigh.
More water + aspirin + chlorella + bath + breakfast = felt much better. Chris was kind enough to share some food with me.
After visiting a bit, I went to Northern Mountain Supply. They had none of my bag in stock, so I'm going to have to call Dana Design and work it out with them. Of course, although I didn't mention it, I have no reservations about simply disputing the charges on my card and getting my money back. Maybe NMS' customer service will be more accommodating then.
Then I ended up at the mall. I spend too much time at these places, feeling starved for it at Heartwood. I found a set of nice sheets at Ross, plus pillow cases, for under $20. No clothes though. Too many great book at Borders. Didn't buy anything, I just write the titles down and get them used online :-)
So by this point I would not be able to make it back home in time for dinner. I called Chris up, found out if he was interested, and we went to Lost Coast Brewery. Unfortunately, I wasn't impressed. My roast beef sandwich was too dry, the seasoned fries were too seasoned, and the bread pudding did not have a pleasing texture. I'll give it a second chance, but next time I'll skip dessert and order a special instead of a standard menu item.
I was definitely thankful to have the dinner company though. Then it was back on the road... I made it home in really good time. There was no traffic on 101, and no fog coming up the hill.
So now that I've gotten home and unpacked, it's really about getting my butt to bed. At least I have nice sheets now.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:34 PM | Comments (0)
November 20, 2004
Party
Well my intention from my polarity session seems to have manifested this morning at least. I woke up fairly light hearted. We'll see how it continues.
Left for Eureka after dinner, a friend (Chris) was having a party. Kind of the opposite of a housewarming, he wants to sell the place. Not a bad scene, and it went well despite my not knowing anybody. I met a couple from the Bay area who seemed pretty cool, some bodyworkers, and Regina Callahan--she's a pretty well known, at least in the area, cranio-sacral teacher. I didn't know it was her until afterward, though, so we talked about cookware rather than cranial work.
The were several wines... the one I liked the best was a Briceland pinot noir. Homemade ice creams, chocolate and vanilla, and homemade cakes, poppy seed and chocolate. All quite yummy.
Hot-tubbing was had, although bathing suits were required. Damned neighbors :) Eventually it was time to sleep. I was thankful to be hosted--no way was I driving back
Posted by Josh A. at 11:34 PM | Comments (0)
November 19, 2004
Ups and downs
I'm pleased that I got one of my sessions out of the way today, and the last one scheduled for tomorrow after lunch. Now the only thing I need to put into place are the science classes. Reading, coloring in the anatomy book, some homework questions.
Trading Swedish sessions was fun at first (I received first) but quickly became frustrating. I'm still not accepting the learning curve. Would you have an easy time letting go of 19 years of always "getting it" first? Sometimes in Shiatsu I felt like the worst student in the class. Sometimes people would share things that helped me feel "not alone", but other times I still felt awful.
I feel a bit spoiled by all those years of public school. Here I am finding myself in the situation of being challenged "too long" by a learning process, and how do I react? I don't just get bored with it and give up. I get frustrated, angry, and downright depressed. I find myself dropping into childhood emotional patterns, and having trouble expressing and moving those feelings.
We all have our limits, but I judge my "challenge tolerance" as "too low".
In other news, I made it to Movement Magic part two on time today. In fact, I was the first one there. Woo.
It was more like "Talking Magic" today... we had more group discussion than usual, and a hypnotherapy-based guided visualization at the end. I don't remember it at all, but maybe I got some work done with it.
In any case, something came out of it all. He was talking about something Louise Hay says, that the morning right when we first wake up is the best time to do affirmations. I said, "That makes me think of what I tend to affirm during that time... not things I want to affirm!" I rarely have a great feeling getting up, and sometimes, especially lately, I wake up with the worst attitude. It walks me up the hill and doesn't dissipate until I'm sitting in circle with my shiny classmates.
He asked if I'm willing to have that be different.
Of course part of me says, "Yes, absolutely." And then there's the resistant part. What would it mean if it were different? That's the question that can unravel the resistance, and I haven't don't so yet.
I did, however, have my first Polarity session today. When I was asked what my intention for the session was, I said, "To allow myself to have joyful awakenings." We talked a bit about what that means. Some mornings I've woken up with a feeling of gratitude, and joy, and felt happy to be waking up to a new day. I think in 24 years I've had 3 to 5 such mornings. I can remember only one of them clearly.
Polarity's weird. Some things involved: head holds, rocking, foot and leg work, and toning. I kept coming back to my breath and my intention, but what I was coming back from was odd: weird imagery, places I've never seen, people I don't know. Anyway, I felt blissed out by the end and ready to go to bed.
After walking down the hill, I crawled right into bed, did some perineal rocking, and tried to sleep. I tried for about half an hour before giving up. Weird headache that I couldn't seem to let go of. Now to try again.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:34 PM | Comments (0)
November 18, 2004
Thursday, tho art more glorious than
Typical morning from my past: the mere thought of getting out of bed was depressing. A "melancholy treasure come / to trouble the present" and it kind of scares me. I guess I get another opportunity to work on it. Today I had an offer for cranio & polarity; two other people have offered polarity... so the resources are there. I just need to say "yes" to the process.
Des did call this morning! He made it safely to Rochester. Unfortunately, in my stupor, his call had negligible effect on my actually getting out of bed and making it to Massage Theory on time. Thank the deity of your choice for such minor miracles.
As usual, sitting in circle with my beautiful classmates improved my mood dramatically. Plus, I had caught Shannon on his way up the hill and asked him to deal with breakfast for me. I ate my granola, kamut flakes, & soy milk at the beginning of class.
We started effleurage and petrissage today. I like how Swedish massage has French terminology. This is like being in Shiatsu all over again, but worse. Mostly because I'm not as excited about it. But here I am at square one, feeling completely uncomfortable with the body mechanics of the word, falling into a kind of helplessness, and not feeling as nurtured by the classroom environment.
I think it starts with the Kiva. It doesn't feel as sacred or "held" to me as the Barn does. Then we add in the lack of a TA, which means Amy doesn't have as much time for individual help. And finally, a pinch of self-fulfilling prophecy (potent stuff, a tiny bit will do).
I see how I'm creating lack, of nurturing and support. And I don't care to do the vibrational and other work it takes to turn that around. I just don't care.
I can't describe the underlying foundation any better than that. It's somewhat akin to a "learned helplessness" but it touches on so many things, from the shit that got stirred up Tuesday to, I believe, my birth. It's been a theme in my life; I can spot it in my memories, woven into so many past experiences. Of course it would come up here sooner or later.
Thursdays: easiest days. Massage Theory & Technique from 9:00 to 12:30, and then? Nothing. Nothing scheduled anyway. I read the first chapter of our Kinesiology textbook and took care of little random things.
During dinner I tried to watch this crazy documentary on this couple who write about relationships and authoritarianism, but after I was done eating I couldn't stay awake.
After dinner was Movement Magic! Woo. We had a good group tonight, and people even stayed after to play. I think I've written about Movement Magic before, but... briefly, it's a two part movement therapy workshop done twice a quarter here. Mikhael Smith comes from Arcata to facilitate it and it involves all kinds of movement, dance, and other exercises/games to explore, well, just about anything, I think. The loose theme for this workshop is Trust.
Some things that came out of it: experiences and discussion regarding eye contact, acknowledging people in our daily lives, communication vs reading/projection. I had an experience that really helped my understanding of control as an illusion, as a game, and as a co-created experience.
I also danced my ass off :-)
Posted by Josh A. at 11:46 PM | Comments (0)
November 17, 2004
Whole grain goodness
Mmm important: I heard about this last quarter, but hadn't taken the time to verify it until now. It appears to be true, General Mills will be using whole grains in all of its cereals. [Article]
A nice step in the right direction. I'm not happy that the doctor interviewed finds the artificial coloring and preservatives more comment-worthy than the hydrogenated oils and concentrated, refined, simple sweeteners... but whatever. Poorly functioning livers and diabetes keep our doctors in business, after all.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:55 PM | Comments (0)
Trudging through the week
Technically I got out of bed in time for yoga. By the time I was ready to walk up the hill, however, yoga had already started. Next time.
Being up this late, I doubt that "next time" will be tomorrow morning. I feel "bad" about that... only going to yoga once this week? That puts me "behind". I'm going to have to deal with this issue sooner rather than later.
We spent most of massage class doing one of our classic heart circles. I got to set the tone, posing the question, "How deep do you go?" to the class. The question is ambiguous, but no one seemed to interpret it differently than the first person to share. Oh well. The circle still accomplished much.
Afterward we discussed a body mechanics handout. I feel a bit resistant. I almost asked, "How 'bout we just do floor swedish?"
Hydrotherapy class rocks. First, Erica (our Shiatsu teacher last quarter) is in it as a student. Second, today's class involved using the sauna and hot tub. Third, it only lasts for five weeks. Soyka brings science into it, and I experienced my heart rate going from 78 to 108 (before & after sauna). Over the next four weeks, we'll learn about foot baths, hot packs, salt glows, and suchlike.
At dinner I talked with some other students about my meltdown experience yesterday and its aftermath. Interesting things arising from it, but I'm not ready to talk about them.
After dinner, there was a showing of Fahrenheit 9/11, which I had not seen yet. It was a great opportunity to practice presence, feeling and observing myself and my body through the different emotions the film evoked.
I'm hoping to do a polarity session to work on my sleep issues soon. I talked with Nick about it all, and described some of the facets and layers of the problem I've explored so far.
There's also the possibility for me to receive a Mayan abdominal massage this week, but I don't know if it will actually happen.
In the meantime, sleep.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:43 PM | Comments (0)
November 16, 2004
Ugh
Today was nuts. More on that later. Sleep now.
Posted by Josh A. at 08:27 PM | Comments (0)
November 15, 2004
First day of class, part deux!
Well, much to tell. Of course it starts last night, as I lay in bed for hours in that "between" state, finding all the normal techniques I use for shutting down my mind failing and the thoughts just running and running and sleep remaining ever farther away. You know I was pleased when my alarm clock went off at 5:30.
I found myself resistant to yoga class. I tried to just witness my thoughts running by; ridiculous things. Hugh Prather wrote, "The ego is always making up signs of defeat just so it can tell itself it was in a fight." Mine was on overdrive.
I coped with the hour long class, and did manage to learn something... or rather, feeling something more deeply I previously only grasped intellectually. I found myself feeling self-conscious during part of class, and then the knowing came, "If someone's busy looking at me, they'll be missing out on paying attention to their self." Of course I've heard and said that multiple times in the past, but I had never experienced it, especially from this perspective.
This quarter's modality class is called "Massage Theory & Techniques". Calling it "Swedish" would not, it turns out, do it justice (especially considering that we get two weeks of Polarity). Of course, calling it "Neo-Reichian" would just be inviting trouble... although we apparently will be getting into material that draws from Reich's work.
So after listening to Amy talk about where she's coming from and a bit about what we'll be doing, I'm able to be excited about the class. To be frank, traditional Swedish bores me. What can it do that other modalities can't do better? That's not actually a rhetorical question. If there's a valid answer, I want to hear it.
Of course, I was excited to be back in a circle in the Kiva with Amy and my fellow students. I'd be excited to be in, say, auto shop class with them. I can only imagine Amy teaching auto shop. Some people do do reiki on cars though...
We talked about bellies in class. About proper breathing versus America's Cult of Thinness and the body image dysfunctionality we're socialized into. And I was reminded of the allure of the belly. I love when people take an outer layer off and stretch their arms up and just briefly a sliver of belly becomes visible. Flat, round, hairy, smooth... even female... perhaps I was supposed to be Japanese. Supposedly they're all about the hara.
Monday's this quarter (or at least the first half) are Community Lunch with Surya for any interested. One thing we talked about was intentions for the quarter. I set intentions for continuing to learn to be in my own power, to learn how to better maintain my desired ways of Being while off the mountain (I find myself too chameleon like), and to continue to hone my time management skills (to that end, I brought my copy of The 7 Habits with me from Sacramento.)
Next up was Kinesiology... studying the way the muscles and bones move, posture, gravity, and suchlike. As Soyka described the course contents, I found myself growing more excited. Of course I pretty much like learning anything new. Well, anything out of a book that is.
Apparently muscle testing is beyond the scope of a basic kinesiology class. From what she talked about, it seemed different than the muscle testing in Applied Kinesiology. Which also is supposedly very advanced. They only teach it to Super Secret Western Medical Club members, i.e. doctors and nurses.
In class I realized I have another intention for this quarter, and that is to shed further layers of old schooling patterns. I did an ok job dropping old high school patterns. This quarter I should be able to go a few levels deeper.
I'm excited about random events that will be happening this quarter. Soyka should be teaching Reiki II. Kassy is teaching me how to make bone marrow soup. I may actually teach an EFT seminar. And I'm set on doing group reiki circles.
I find our Monday schedule so irritating. We have exactly two hours of free time during a day that starts at 7:00am and ends at 9:15pm. And one of those hours could be occupied by Tai Chi, if one were so inclined. I am, as Paul is teaching the Yang form this quarter. But I don't know that I'll go. I need that hour.
Supervised Practice took place after dinner. Of course we don't have anything to practice yet. We did "body exploration", which translates to, "Here, try to give a massage even though you've received no formal training!" So shoulder rubs in the dorm hallway during finals week, or naked foreplay in bed at 3am, are one thing... having someone properly draped on a table in front of you with a bottle of "massage lubricant" holstered around your waist is another.
Add 12 exhausted students and stir.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:26 PM | Comments (0)
November 14, 2004
Really back
Today was the first day that really felt "back at Heartwood". It's so good to be back. Over less than a week I forgot how "heartful" this place is. I forgot to maintain that way of being when I leave.
After dinner was an ice cream social. Official introductions between the new workstudy students and the rest of us who were here and available tonight. The ever-shifting nature of the community is one thing that reminds me regularly to let go of attachments, to allow flow out as well as in, and to keep breathing, fully, consciously. That said, it was nice to meet them, welcome them, say hi.
Tomorrow is the first day of Swedish. I'm excited, and pleased that I'm excited. I'm pleased to have the space to be excited. I think that's a function of two things: having done "nothing" over break, and having arrived Friday night. Lesson from mid-quarter break learned :-)
Posted by Josh A. at 10:27 PM | Comments (0)
November 13, 2004
Landing into Q2
Busy busy today. Finally jacked the bunk bed up and put it on the risers. Yay more storage space. Unpacked my car, got everything moved back in. Helped Martha take her luggage up to the Lodge to wait for her ride. Made important calls. Saw people at lunch and dinner--so glad to see folks again.
So after a six week stay, Martha's off to San Jose, and who knows where after that. I can't believe the time has gone already. I was glad to be able to help see her off. Perhaps we'll see each other again, especially if she stays in the Bay Area. I need more calligraphy lessons ;-)
I've been spending more time lately working on an equation: Josh + x = organized. Solve for x. The solution I keep coming up with is x = containers. Jana says that containers are like little pockets of grounding. Not only am I so pleased to have all my new containers purchased over break, but I feel the need for more.
I brought some food storage containers from home with me, and I need a meta-container to keep them in the community kitchen. That's not my neurosis, that's the community kitchen rule. We can't just have people's stuff strewn about randomly.
I stayed up late dealing with music. I'm working on ripping my CD collection and putting the songs on my iPod. Every time I go back home, I drop CDs off and exchange them for new ones.
I stayed up later working through some feelings. I brought some stones from home that have been packed up for a long time, with the intention to start working with them--didn't realize I would start so quickly. Black onyx for grounding and positive attitude, obsidian for catalyzing change, rose quartz for heart, and others.
I must say, I was glad to have them last night. I can't give them all the credit; reading The Power of Now is reminding me to stay present with my bodily sensations and to avoid ego identification as much as I'm able. Between the reminders and the stones, I remained surprisingly light hearted through my process and clarity was not long in coming.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:49 PM | Comments (0)
November 06, 2004
A visit to Embarcadero Center
Today was a low key day. Slept in late ;-)
Des and I went to Embarcadero Center. Des posted some pics of our excursion in his journal.
Bottom line: beautiful buildings, boring tenants. The shopping is spread out along four different buildings, connected above ground by over-street walkways. Lots of neat details, spiraling walkways, fountains, tile work... and the most boring shops and chain restaurants you can imagine. The rent must be low.
Not much else today. We'll probably visit my grandma tomorrow.
In other news, I've found the least worst way for me to take chlorella: one tablet + one almond + some fennel, chewed at the same time, washed down with OJ, tea, or anything with a noticeable flavor. Lather, rinse, repeat.
And I'm still searching for the perfect toothpaste. For quite a few months now I've been using Nature's Gate, Anise flavor. I enjoy most everything about it: the flavor, the texture, the way my mouth still feels clean after sleeping.
But, it contains sodium laurel sulfate. While most anti-SLS claims remain controversial, most people agree that it contributes to canker sores. I, of course, get canker sores sometimes. And while I don't think using this toothpaste has increased their frequency, it definitely increases their duration.
I'm tired of having to switch toothpastes for a few days every few months just for a company that doesn't get it. Why would you ever put SLS into something people put in their mouths?
So I've been looking for a new toothpaste. I just bought this Jason junk. Now, I hate all Jason products because the logo is ugly, and this is the first one I've tried. I want to like it, but the stuff is too thick and gooey, and gets really big in my mouth. When I spit before rinsing out comes this huge puff of dense foam. And that's no fun.
When it's gone, I'll be trying something new.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:40 PM | Comments (3)
November 05, 2004
Road trip, homemade dinner
Want to hear God laugh? Make a plan.
The plan was to leave Heartwood at 8:30, immediately following a quick breakfast.
At 8:15 I saw Beverly, my trip accomplice, and said, "That whole 8:30 thing? Not gonna happen."
And in the end, I still didn't get to shower until San Francisco.
Once again my housing situation is in flux and, once again, I'll return to Heartwood to find a new person moved in. I'm beginning to feel irritated being the odd man out. At first I thought it was this: "The problem is that they don't have enough housing, but it should stay their problem; they shouldn't make it mine." But that's shifted and what I'd really prefer to see is more communication. Rather than just move people around and make plans before talking to people, involve us in the process.
The way it happened this time was: I heard about these changes from someone not even involved in or affected by them! Then I had to take the responsibility to seek out those in charge and find out "what the hell is going on?" That's not the way I would think a community would run best.
Anyway, at first I thought a brand new work study student would be moving in, which was a bit daunting. Instead, someone I know vaguely is moving in, and may only be in for a week and then into his own room somewhere else. My eyes are rolled firmly back in distant irritation.
So I packed most of my stuff to take anyway, left some notes for the old and new roommates (however temporary), got Beverly's stuff (and Beverly herself) in the car, and hit the road.
Nice leisurely trip. We had no deadlines. We stopped at a store called Mollywog's, didn't see anything we couldn't live with out, and continued. In Hopland, we stopped at The Solar Living Institute. Awesome place, entirely powered by renewable energy sources. And they sell a lot of neat stuff from Gaiam.
Beverly's never been to San Francisco before! It was so neat to be the person to drive her into the city. As we approached, she was busy with something, and I said "Look up." and out there was the Golden Gate Bridge, and then the city skyline. As we drove across the bridge, she rolled down the window and whooped at ocean.
Presidio, Lombard, Divisadero, Castro... she got to spy the Palace of Fine Arts, Harvey Milk Plaza and the flag, and who knows what else. Later when I drove her to where she's staying I took her down Castro and then 18th for a quick preview.
When we parked, we walked toward the apartment as Des was walking up in the other direction, just arriving from work. Perfect timing!
Went to Rainbow and got groceries. I'd never shopped there before, so I had the dual obstacles of finding my way around and not getting sidetracked by the huge selection.
The bulk section was first, and in the middle of it all I realize I'm having an issue with a lack of packages. I have all these plain bags of things. I recall Paul answering a question about reading ingredients lists with, "Well if you're reading a label, it's too late."
In the end I did purchase a few packaged items: tamari, soymilk, Naked orange juice (my favorite).
When I got home, I put everything out on the counter and folded up the bags. Des took one look at the array and said, "We're gonna have to have separate grocery lists." He was so impressed he had to take a photo:
Actually I think he just wanted proof of my weirdness. But then I made dinner: sweet potatoes; brown rice with warming spices, cilantro, green onion, and dulce; and collard greens with apple cider vinegar.
His first impression was: beautiful. The bottom line: he really enjoyed it. I was glad--first time I've done any of my own whole foods cooking. I basically copied one of my favorite meals from Heartwood.
So maybe we won't have to have such separate grocery lists.
Steve came in as I was cooking. "Hello" he said, a bit surprised (pleasantly we can only hope). Once again I've invaded :-)
We opted to stay in tonight. Des has been feeling a bit under the weather and I don't find myself with any desire tonight to go to any of the bars here. Next time?
Posted by Josh A. at 09:52 PM | Comments (0)
November 04, 2004
First Quarter Graduation
Is there an easier day than the last day of the quarter?
Heart Circle was amusing: we all went around for each person and said one word or short phrase that made us think of the person. Some things said were "surface", others were heartfelt, and all were fun.
Erica showed us this crazy video... some TV show on Puerto Rico, and the spa she worked at was featured. There's a 3 second clip of her massaging Regis. The hilarious thing was, when they cut to it, the "angels singing" background music.
I cracked a "massage therapist to the stars" joke, and then she began naming all the famous people she's worked on. Not so joke. I'm glad she decided to come to Heartwood instead!
Anatomy was cool. We did a lot of paperwork and such at the beginning, course evals, etc. We went over some material, watched some of Dr. Ackland, and finished up with circle.
All kinds of circles, some more participatory, others led; some more verbal, others more meditative. Soyka has preferred, this quarter at least, leading us in visualizations. Today though she opened it up and a student volunteered to lead it. That was an interesting change of pace.
I'm on the fence about whether it's ok to talk very generally about what we did with that circle time, but since it's a question, I'm going to choose to not talk about it. The general rule is that it's ok to talk about one's own circle experience, but what one hears from others stays confidential.
After science, a carful of us went down to the Harris General Store (about 15 minutes away) and bought some champagne and wine.
The plan looked like this: dinner upon return, champagne immediately after, then graduation, then after-party.
I put the champagne in the deep freeze in the treatment rooms, surrounded by frozen gel packs. By the time dinner and dessert were over, it was nice and cold.
Dinner was amazing... I couldn't believe they served shrimp cocktail. Dessert's chocolate cake was too rich. I couldn't finish it all.
The graduation ceremony took place in The Temple. It was an odd mix of traditional and, um, not so traditional. On the traditional side, the founder and president got up and talked. On the not so traditional side, the entire thing opened with tribal drumming instead of elevator music.
Each of us in our Shiatsu class were called up to receive completion certificates. Deep Tissue received certificates also. Then they called up the quarter's graduates. A couple 3-quarter MTs, some Work Study graduates, and some folks completing their Internship with Paul.
I enjoyed seeing our instructors up there. Amy MC'd. I'm so glad she's teaching one of our classes next quarter. Erica & Kassy, Warren, Kristen & Paul, and Soyka each had to get up there to present certificates.
For closing, Surya did something ("What the fuck is she doing?" is the story of Surya's life, as told from an outside perspective) scheduled on the Program as "Offering". I'm not sure how to describe it, so that makes it indescribable I guess. Imagine an amazing performance: one part speech, one part spoken word art, two parts body language.
As it ended, the graduates each arrived on stage with a candle, the drumming and singing bowls got very soft, and those of them who felt inclined shared a small prayer.
All in all, I quite enjoyed it. Most interesting and shortest graduation I've been to.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:50 PM | Comments (0)
November 03, 2004
Second to last day of my First Quarter
Today was another fairly enjoyable day.
I received amazing feedback this morning in Shiatsu. Heartfelt feedback that touched me; I started to cry. Oh, and the word "rockstar" was used :-)
The constructive criticism revolved not around my bodywork but around my attitude toward myself, confidence, and self-love. I appreciate that she cares about me; at the same time I'm supporting myself in not immediately feeling like I'm not "doing enough" or moving "fast enough" in my process.
We also did a little intro to reflexology and got to play with some hot stones. Ahh, end of quarter miscellany.
Tomorrow is our final heart circle in Shiatsu! Of course, not long from now we'll come back together and circle up again for Swedish, Day One!
Speaking of heart circles, had an amazing final circle in Conscious Communication Skills. I expressed some appreciations: for each of my classmates, their presence and commitment, their sharing, their struggles, their victories; for Amy allowing us to claim some space to do the things we needed to do in the class that weren't necessarily on the syllabus; and for the safety our group has created.
We've received comments multiple times from multiple sources that not many classes in the past have created the safety and caring that our class has. I've never experienced anything like it before, and I have no idea how I'm going to even approximate it elsewhere come May, but in the meantime I'm planning to enjoy every single benefit from it I can.
Anyway, I remember back to Day One of CCS... and what I shared that day was a nakedly honest summation of my struggles with emotions, emotional situations, and speaking from my heart.
Fast forward, 10 weeks of CCS later... in the past, assuming I even got words out at all, I would have left feeling dissatisfied... "How could I have forgotten to say _____?" and frustration with my words not truly expressing the feelings I wanted to convey.
Tonight, however, I said everything I needed to say, powerfully, connectedly. If there could ever be a "Final" for CCS, tonight was it, and it can only be graded by the individual. Tonight I aced it.
I'm not happy about Proposition 66 being defeated.
I'm livid about 11 states banning gay marriage. Anyone who is delusional enough to believe that "America is a place where we don't have to worry about getting killed for our beliefs" needs to check into the myriad cases of transexual murder victims.
And if you don't think gay marriage bans and the killing of transfolk have anything to do with each other, you're in the wrong room... the remedial class is down the hall.
I got to do more calligraphy tonight, and Melissa joined us. It was really nice.
I hope I can find my old brushes and ink in Sac. I'll probably head to Chinatown in SF at some point anyway.
Oh, and now I finally have an excuse to own one of those zen boards one "paints" on with water. I'm pretty sure Under One Roof sells them, and it's for a good cause ;-)
I went to the Wellness Clinic today and picked up some supplies... Six Flavor Tea Pills, Chlorella, and ginger tea. To build yin, gently cleanse and build, and keep me warm, respectively. Suddenly I wonder if I shouldn't use Eight Flavor pills, but one thing at a time, right?
So the Six Flavor pills are a general yin tonic... most people in America are yin deficient. So we'll see how I like it. I suspect I may have a constitutional Kidney deficiency, but I'm not sure. Even though these pills are specifically a Kiney tonic, the'll help.
The chlorella is very building/tonifying in general (nice), as well as cleansing. After being raised on a diet of processed foods, I certainly need it. Should increase my energy, and would balance my blood sugar if I needed it. It's also good support to have while visiting the city.
The ginger tea helps keep the center warm without burning the yin off. Can't build yin if I'm just burning it up. So I'm cutting out the hot spices I've been experimenting with, cutting back on cinnamon, and sticking mainly with turmeric and the ginger tea.
Anyway, supplements in hand, I'm so ready for break. Just gotta pack up, get through tomorrow, and then I'm off.
Ha. I make it sound so simple. It could take me all of break to pack, and then it'd be Sunday and I'd have to unpack it all again.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:17 PM | Comments (1)
November 02, 2004
Surprise!
"It's funny," I just found myself thinking. Each moment conditions the next, which means that in some sense the present conditions the "future", but--and here's what's funny--so unpredictably.
Almost nothing about last night pointed to a good day today. I stayed up too late, which means not enough sleep. I didn't stay up doing anything terribly "useful"... like, say, studying for the anatomy test. And I felt so disconnected, in a place of just "not caring".
And so when I got into bed, I did my perineal rocking, went through my nightly reiki list, did some acupressure, set some intentions, and hoped for "The Best".
It came.
This morning I managed to get out of bed in time for breakfast. Not enough time to take a shower but! today's Shiatsu class was dedicated to evaluations, and mine wasn't until 11:45. So after breakfast I got to take my shower, go over my shiatsu notes, do some studying for anatomy, and still do what I needed to do for class.
My eval went great. I was perfect on timing, fit what I needed to fit in to the allotted time, remembered most of the pre-session interview components, and remained nicely present the whole time. I received warm comments at the end, and will hear more detailed feedback tomorrow in class.
Science test was fine. Ohhh my gosh I stressed too much... not much, but it was still too much. I missed like two. Sure that comes out to like 6%, but it still puts me in the A range.
Ok, you see that last paragraph right there? Totally old patterns being replayed. I crammed at the last second; I won't even be able to pass that same test a month from now. I endured a stress response for no real return, and ended up depending on a grade for solace.
Here's another test, a pop quiz: Which will matter more to my future clients: that I correctly answered "rectus femoris" for #4 during some test in massage school, or that I know how to find and treat it on their body?
After dinner, Martha taught me some chinese calligraphy. I've never done it before, but have wanted to for some time.
These were some of the first, mostly Wood and Earth:
There was my attempt at "Good Fortune":
And then there was this... it's not too bad, but definitely not what it's "supposed to be"... but you and I have a hard time knowing that.
Anyway, doing the calligraphy took a lot of energy at first, and requires mindfulness. I can see how it could be a serious practice, just like yoga or tai chi. I tried to make the strokes from my hara rather than my arm, with mixed success. An interesting exercise, nonetheless. I'm looking forward to doing more tomorrow night.
And that's that... hopefully getting into bed soon!
Posted by Josh A. at 10:43 PM | Comments (1)
November 01, 2004
What the funk?
Tonight I find myself wondering if I really like sadness and pain and struggle and such more than other feelings. I think I might feel more alive when feeling and working with those things. Maybe that's how I've learned to know I'm still alive.
Then I wonder why I'm up this late. I'm sooo not caring. I'm three days away from 'tween quarter break, and I am so ready for it. I have evals in the morning and a test in the afternoon and I just don't care. I could probably not even show up for the test and still pass the class. I think I could get a C on it and still get honors in the class. I'm thinking about just staying up until breakfast.
I really hope I'm ready for next quarter when it begins.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:15 PM | Comments (0)