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October 31, 2004
Ugh time
As usual I wish I had time to write, but I just don't feel inclined to sacrifice sleep for it.
Only four more days of class, then one week of glorious break. I plan on doing absolutely nothing. Let's see if I can stick with it.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:58 PM | Comments (0)
October 28, 2004
On again!
What a great day. It all starts with the morning, doesn't it?
I wore my new silk long johns today; quite the reaction was garnered. Oh to keep me warm--without overheating--in style.
Shiatsu was great. We had an acupoint test and I found out that I knew more than I thought I did.
Then we played a 5 Element Game (games! I love the end of a quarter!) and my team almost won. Our team name was "Tessa Jo" which made me picture southern belles. The game involved drawing slips of paper on which were written an aspect of an Element or Organ--for example, it might say "Mental disease, stuttering, confusion" and the answer would be Heart (houses the Shen)--and acting it out; the remaining teams had to guess the answer correctly.
To end class, we listened to more of a Caroline Myss CD. *Bless* that woman, but only because I'm trying to eliminate "damn" from my vocabulary. I think I hear some good points in there, but my mind is so busy trying to filter the chaff that I'm not really sure. If ever a person needed our Conscious Communication Class, not to mention some General Semantics training, it's her! So many You Statements, externalizing, and issuances that sound very much like judgments.
Put bluntly, Caroline Myss is the Dr. Laura of the healing world.
All right, really it's "I view Caroline Myss as the Dr. Laura of the healing world." But I'm hoping the less semantically responsible statement will show up on Googlism's entry for her.
Between lunch and dinner I got 4 (or maybe only 3?) pages of coloring done. In any case, it was enough :-)
I gave a session today, to someone's mother. That was a neat opportunity. It went very well, and I got a 10 on my feedback form.
I called my grandma. Today was her birthday! Yay. Send her your love, prayers, and reiki if you like.
I finally felt on in anatomy class today. The first time I've felt this on since break. Soyka showed up despite experiencing some sciatica. After class I had to express my appreciation for her presence, as I know that were I in her situation I would have been home or at the chiropractor's.
We palpated asses today :-) oK, no, we palpated gluteals and adductors. I already knew how to find piriformis, but I didn't know much about gluteus maximus or medius.
Tonight was Coffee House! Woo. So many community members shared of themselves and their interests with us. I read some poetry. It was amazing to see the diversity of talent, especially from people I never would have expected to do this or that. There was actual coffee (only time the kitchen serves it) and some yummy treats.
It was nice to read [i sing of Olaf glad and big] in front of an audience again, as well as my own stuff. Most of it I've never performed before, so that's kind of stressful. The entire experience always has me so hopped up on adrenaline that I shake visibly.
One thing I'm still unhappy about: Why don't they have this on FRIDAY so that any of our family or friends who have JOBS might be able to come see us?
Stayed up late afterward dancing. It was generally fantastic, but sad reality dropped in: I need to get some records. I'm not satisfied with the DJs here, and the only answer seems to be to take my own turn at the turntables.
I was thinking more about mornings, and waking up in general, and am having a hard time finding an answer to this question: What is the best time of day to wake up? Um, ick. I have this good feeling waking up in the morning, but I can't romanticize it. Someone sang a song at coffee house about "when we rise in the morning" and I felt sick.
I have definite issues with the social/cultural energy around mornings; some kind of aversion gets triggered. I remember for the longest time I couldn't get out of bed if someone was around and could see me. I had to be alone to get up. Sometimes I still feel that way.
At the same time, as much as I've enjoyed getting up in the afternoons in the past, I don't know how often I've felt that within the last year or two. Mostly I've felt this sense of urgent disappointment, accompanied with thoughts and worry about "How am I going to get anything done waking up this late?"
Waking up at night actually sucks for me. It's all about staying up until, not waking up in the middle of.
Obviously the answer is to have two of me so that one can sleep all the time and the other can be awake all the time. Actually, I believe a single 24 hour sleeping me could power three other me's. And wouldn't that be productive and wonderful?
Speaking of which, I want to be up at 6:30 to do the cadaver field trip.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:14 PM | Comments (0)
Yay morning
Wow. I woke up before my alarm today. How did that happen?
So I took some time laying in bed to try some morning toning... supposedly "uu-ah-ee-mm" is good for the morning, and the reverse for evening. The other way around makes me think of "meow" though.
Also did some TAT, since I rarely have the opportunity, time, or presence to do any work on getting up in the situation.
I'm not sure if I got enough sleep because my eyes have that puffy sore feeling. But maybe a shower will help.
Posted by Josh A. at 06:44 AM | Comments (0)
October 26, 2004
Busy busy over for now
I'm beginning to see just how important "the bathroom" is to me. I've spent a lot of time in bathrooms, probably more than the "average" 24 year old "male". I've heard "He's worse than a girl" (notice the implication that a girl is something bad to be) more times than I care to recall.
The bathroom can be a place of refuge and rejuvenation. Many people here use the sauna for that. Some take walks. And others have their own ways of taking that time for themselves that both relaxes and energizes.
It would seem that not many people feel this way about their bathroom area. This often means they don't really understand my needs surrounding the space, and because I haven't been clear on them or their importance, I haven't communicated them that well in the past. That of course can all change now.
Monday and Tuesday are the busiest days of my Heartwood week. Thankfully another set is behind me. Not that the rest of the week will be as laid back as it could. I'm doing more sessions this week than I normally would, I'm trying to tie up loose ends before the quarter ends, and the cadaver field trip is on Friday.
Also Friday I'm planning to trade computer tech support for another ortho-bionomy session. Yay.
A little more about my ortho-bionomy experience... bottom line: I feel more open in my chest and shoulder area, friendlier with my lungs, heart, and spine, and excited to do some more work. I'm not sure how much time I need to integrate before moving on, though. Perhaps I'll just use this Friday to work on my body mechanics for session-giving.
Some miscellaneous things.
I was told about this site today: Loving What Is. Apparently it's based just on four questions to deal with issues. I've had some familiarity of the concept of "arguing with reality" for some time; it's neat to see someone providing some structure for working with that concept. I especially like the idea of giving our judgments a voice--on paper, and with the intent to use them for self-realization, rather than attempting to change others.
It's been brought up that many of the patterns I've struggled with during my life are common in folks that didn't experience a vaginal birth. I was delivered via caesarean... I want to do some research before figuring out if I want to do any birth clearing work with someone.
And finally, I came to look more clearly today at possible ways Heartwood's structure and identity as an institution interact with its structure and identity as a community. In contemplating this topic, I now feel less safe here than I did. Politics can still "hurt" me here. I need to take 100% responsibility for my well being which will probably unfortunately result in holding back and being less authentic with certain others or in certain situations.
At least, that's where I'm at right now.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:35 PM | Comments (2)
October 24, 2004
What an odd day
I had an ortho-bionomy session today. It was powerful. I gotta learn this stuff :-)
Posted by Josh A. at 08:50 PM | Comments (0)
October 23, 2004
Sleepiful
Today was very laid back.
I cleaned/organized, went to the Ortho-Bionomy informational, found out about an Asian bodywork convention I want to go to in SF.
Now I'm up later than I should and too tired to type out any details for you. Next time!
Posted by Josh A. at 11:01 PM | Comments (0)
October 22, 2004
1, 2, 3, SHOP
As I sat down to write, I looked at the quarters and other change I had removed to the desk from my pocket, and remembered that I had thought about doing laundry this weekend. "What's going on with my sock supply," I wondered aloud, "that I have to do laundry two weekends in a row?" Well, I checked, and I have enough socks to last me into next Thursday. So there.
Plus, I want to buy more. Hand me down boots (I hope they fit!) are winging their way to me, as I seem to have lost my old pair :-(beloved Danners bought in preparation for my first New York winter). And so I want more socks.
Thorlo socks, I think. I own exactly one pair, and I think they're in Roseville, and I miss them. They are the most fantastic socks I've owned, not that I'm much of a sock connoisseur. And of course at the store today I encountered new brands of equally fantastic looking socks. The bottom line is: if I'm going to slog through a muddy, rainy, every-day-is-a-day-hike winter here at Heartwood, I'm going to do it with appropriate gear.
I am definitely on an "appropriate gear" kick. Today I drove all the way to Eureka in order to buy a backpack at the highly recommended Northern Mountain Supply.
oK, I was mainly going to get my alignment done, but I would have gone to Eureka just go to NMS sooner or later. Why not combine the two?
But I'm getting ahead of myself. First, you should know that I rose later than I wanted, as usual. The alarm started going off at 6:00am. I hit snooze every 15 minutes until 7:45, at which point I finally got up. It's been suggested that the change of seasons may be the culprit, which suggests a full spectrum lamp on a timer as a possible remedy.
But I this latest pattern still carries resistance, both to entering my bed and to leaving it. There's something there under the surface that needs to be changed. I have been trying consciously to access it for about four years now. Ahh well.
By the time I regained full consciousness, did energy tune-up, got in and out of the shower, and back in my room it was 8:20. I finished getting ready, got up to the Lodge in time to have a bowl of cereal, and hit the road a little after 9:00.
I paid too much for tires, but what was I supposed to do, driving on a donut tire? Ate lunch next door while it all happened, and left for Eureka on time.
The alignment people told me they could have sold me tires cheaper ("No shit, ya think? Shut up.") and then told me that my front left strut is leaking. I asked what that should mean to me, and the bottom line minimum that me and my wallet needed to know is: I have to get it fixed, sooner if not later.
While the alignment people (sounds like some mysterious UFO cult) did their futuro-neato alien technology things to the strange and magical horseless carriage that transports me, I wandered the streets of Eureka like someone who's been in a coma for thirty years. Or, like someone who's been living in an isolated mountain community for three weeks.
There were some neat stores, especially bookstores, but I didn't buy anything unplanned there. I did go to a mall before leaving town, though, and it was so weird. I haven't spent much time in malls in a long time... I was surprised that Zumiez no longer carries Ecko clothing, but Gottschalks has replaced half of their Young Men's section with it.
I remember back when the online Ecko survey asked "What three clothing brands are totally whack?" Ecko has become one of those "whack" brands. Every time I see their stuff the quality has decreased. Very sad, really. There's now nothing in the standard mall price range that I want to wear. Certain discounters and eBay remain my salvation.
Eventually I will learn to make more and more of my own clothes. When I finish school, I'll have more time to work on my knitting skills. I'd also like screen printing equipment... I've wanted it for a long time. Also in the mix, I've found places online that sell quality organic cotton clothing blanks suitable for garment dying, and I'd like to take some tailoring classes at some point.
So Northern Mountain Supply was very good, but not as amazing as I'd hoped.
Yes, the staff was friendly, helpful, knowledgeable, and patient... but their selection of the type of bag I needed has been scaled way back. There was really only one choice for me.
Yes, they did have KINeSYSsunscreen, as promised on the KINeSYS website, but they only had one product in one size.
Anyway, I ended up getting an Emerald City (silver) from Dana Design. Hopefully no more unaligned body for me. :-) I wish the hip belt were fuller and the layout of the organizational pockets different, but maybe once I adapt it will turn out to be 100%, rather than 90%, better than what I've got.
I was planning to have dinner at the Lost Coast Brewery, but it was loud and crowded and I only really cared about their free Wi-Fi... well, my battery no longer holds a charge, and the only two tables with outlets were occupied by large parties.
So I left and had dinner in Redway, at the Mateel Cafe. It was good, but a tad overpriced. Of course, "a tad" rather than "way overpriced" means it's a value in this area. I had veggie lasagna that was very good, if a bit small in portion size. The sauce had a nice garlic bite. The house merlot was sufficient, although not worth what I paid for a glass.
I don't like that going out now mostly means compromising. This must be what it feels like to be an uncommitted vegan. I hold out hope that my eating options in San Francisco will be better. So far all I know is Urban Forage (and I'm not much for raw) and Millennium (too expensive to be a regular thing). And I don't even really know how those places compare to what I'm aiming for.
During my drive I had this vision of a restaurant that wasn't focused so much on some kind of one size fits all diet (doesn't matter if you're vegan, raw, Atkins, or something else) as much as on providing different menus to suit different bodies. Most Americans probably need to avoid moistening and warming foods, sure, but those of us who happen to have Vata constitutions sure would appreciate it!
Well I'm also looking forward to being at home, and working on my whole foods cooking skills. There are resources for that, I'll just need to be taking advantage of them.
On the way home, I did some experimentation with what I think is called "sounding" or "toning"... moving emotions, energy, and "stuff" with the voice, non-verbally. It's a new concept to me that I've been informally introduced to here at Heartwood, and I like the fact that I can do it in the car while driving, and that music can help rather than hinder. Most of my favorite tools don't have either of those qualities.
Basically let what I was feeling express as sound, and allowed myself the non-judgmental freedom to go with whatever wanted to come out. I wish I could have recorded it, it was quite weird, but effective.
The drive up the mountain was rainy and foggy. I was so glad to have new (and aligned) tires! I saw a raccoon and a frog on the way up. Yes, a frog... it was hopping across the road.
Sweet dreams to me, of frogs and whole foods, but not in the same context. Good day to you.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:29 PM | Comments (0)
October 21, 2004
The end of three
I can't say I'm not extremely happy to have this week of classes over. And within all of that, I realized sometime this afternoon that these last three weeks have been the "worst" of the quarter, in terms of my presence, mood, study habits, and information absorption. I realized just how much I need to turn that around.
So even though I spent 3/10ths of the quarter like this, I can still make the best of the last two weeks.
I missed breakfast today. Which means I was almost late to class, too. Yick. And no shower. I felt so gross
So tired in Shiatsu. So tired in Anatomy.
Tonight was sooo nice. I did face & foot care, took a long shower, and now I'm about to go to bed.
Tomorrow, I trek to Redway and Eureka. Whee. Wish me luck.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:27 PM | Comments (0)
October 20, 2004
Week almost over... energy flagging...
I got to yoga late!
And when I walked into the room, it was like encountering a strange tribe... I could feel them all wanting to kill the new person.
Mm... I had a nice warm breakfast afterward. It's been cold and wet here. Wet's ok, cold's not. So I've been trying to eat warmer and more warming foods, like the congee this morning with cinnamon and ginger.
The morning was kind of frazzled... I was actually going to try to go down to Redway, have my tires changed, and then get back up in time for Conscious Communication Skills. Instead I'm going to have them changed on Friday, and then head to Eureka to get my alignment done. No place closer can do an alignment within my budget anytime soon.
It's good, I need to go to Eureka anyway, to Northern Mountain Supply, to see about backpacks. Large selection, knowledgeable and, most importantly, patient staff who know how to fit backpacks to bodies and such.
My current backpack is a weapon of back destruction. Not to mention acromial loading, which I just learned about in anatomy (basically carrying heavy things with your shoulders). It's not padded, so the contents can poke at me. It does something weird to my center of gravity. It throws my body mechanics out of alignment, making it difficult to practice good posture.
And it's not big enough to hold even more stuff!
Today in CCS I talked about the crazy extremes of resources here. This place is nuts. It has a lot of resources, and a severe shortage of resources.
The resources it has are amazing. Many of them I've never experienced anywhere else, and I wonder how I'm going to be able to create (approximate, rather) for myself when I leave. The food is the healthiest I've ever eaten. The land is powerful; the natural setting is inspiring. The people are possibly the most valuable resource: they facilitate my transformation, honor my processes, love me, hold space for me, and share their knowledge and joy with me... and they are available for me to do the same in return.
The lack of other resources is amazing to deal with. TIME is a major one; it flows oddly here. Postal service more than three times a week. Geography/connection... the closest something (Garberville) is kind of a nothing--stay tuned to witness me embarking on a day trip to get auto work done. Bathrooms that don't require a raincoat to get to.
Yeah, odd juxtapositions. But, sleepytime now.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:32 PM | Comments (0)
October 19, 2004
You like it
I like it when it's Wednesday in New Zealand.
I sooo want to visit New Zealand. And Japan. And Thailand. And Tunisia. And Morocco. (When the political situation cools off!) And Costa Rica and Puerto Rico and St. Barths and, and, and...
Grrr.
I had yummy granola for breakfast.
Anyway, I ate it with soymilk.
Raw cow dairy: unavailable, not ideal
Processed cow dairy: available, unacceptable
Sprouted homemade soy milk: sometimes available, not ideal, doesn't taste good
Processed soy milk: available, not great nutritionally, but tastes great
Rice milk: unacceptable
Almond milk: sometimes available, status in question (for me, I just haven't covered it yet)
Goat dairy: interesting alternative, not available, unacceptable for vegans
Do I just give up on having cereal? I am doomed to gooey glutinous oatmeal and raw cashews each morning?
The beautiful people in my Shiatsu class really improved my rainy morning. Oh I was able to enjoy much of the rain. But I still sat down in class feeling a bit damp and gray. Sometimes when looking around at each person's face I'm able to take off my Judgment Sunglasses, and the sheer brightness of them shines into my life.
We started side-lying position today. WHEN do we get to table? :-) Though side-lying was very nice. Adequate access to Yu points, easy access to all the yin meridians on the legs, etc.
Something someone (you know who you are) will be interested in: apparently if you're going to eat before bed, most people do better on a protein meal.
I crammed for my Musculoskeletal Anatomy exam today at breakfast and lunch. It was ok, and I think I did fine on the test, but cramming is an old school pattern I'd mostly let go of. Scoring well on tests is easy for me, and completely irrelevant to anything important to me. Remembering the information into next quarter is difficult for me.
So the question is, why did I spend my time cramming instead of real studying? Why did I prioritize scoring higher on the test above learning? And how do I need to change in order to choose differently?
Box from the Container Store arrived. The item I was looking forward to most (bed risers) did not. Backordered. Grrrr.
Silk long johns ordered, and silk pajama bottoms for Des. In chartreuse. :-) I've been wanting some ever since my first New York winter, and finally get around to it now?
Standard long johns are worse than 10,000 suicides... I'm told these will keep me warm without making me want to kill myself. Plus I can strip down to them in class, which means I can wear my normal clothes over them, clothes I haven't been able to wear because they've been inappropriate for Shiatsu (like jeans, or shirts I didn't want stretched and manipulated.)
Speaking of spending money, in this case that I don't have, I need to get my tires replaced. Like, tomorrow. Witness the Amazing Performing Josh, and our very own Wild Josh Tamer, Mr. Honda Accord! Can he pull it off in the space of one afternoon and still get back in time for Conscious Communication class? Tune in tomorrow and find out!
Posted by Josh A. at 07:53 PM | Comments (0)
October 18, 2004
Mondays, mondays, everywhere
This morning's experimental question: "Which is more important, yoga or showering?" My hypothesis was that yoga is more important than showering. I tested it by, after waking to find it was too late to do both, skipping the shower and heading to The Barn. Midway into the class, I had gathered sufficient research data to support the hypothesis, leading to the conclusion that: Yes, indeed, yoga IS more important than showering.
I'm thinking that 10pm for bed isn't going to cut it... next up is 9:30.
Breakfast was yummy today, and I had toasted almonds and a quarter of a pomegranate with it.
Monday is nutrition lecture day! We talked about sugars, glyconutrients, wild blue-green algae, and fats & oils. Sounds like good fats are an even harder proposition than good carbs, mostly because it's harder for consumers to know what to look for.
Anyway, I've been thinking on the reality that food can be such a touchy subject for people. I mean, really, we are talking about the ways in which we survive, take care of ourselves, love and nourish ourselves and our families... the choice of what we put into our bodies is a very intimate one.
If you ever view my words as trying to make that choice for others, you can rest assured that was not my intention. Rather, my intention is to make information about such choices available.
Of course, nothing you'll read here about nutrition isn't already available. You can just buy Paul's book if you're really interested. As much as it's about the information, it's more about my learning process, aspects of lecture that were highlights for me, etc.
Anyway, funny thing about oils. I've heard people say things regarding massage oil like, "If you're going to rub it on your body it should be good enough to eat." But what's good enough to eat, considering that most of us consume horrible oils? "Food grade" is pretty meaningless... have you noticed what we let the companies get away with calling "food"?
I got Silas' permission to share his heart circle check-in with you. Today was three words only, and he said:
Present, needing fat
I really liked it, so there it is.
Lots of stuff in Shiatsu over chair massage. I was thinking really negatively about my experience, as seen in yesterday's entry. I shared some of that during our roundtable discussion, and the responses I got from folks really helped me clarify a lot.
First is attitude: 10-15 minutes of touch can allow one a whole new perspective on the day. Sacred space can be created, with intention. "Feng shui", in a colloquial sense, is important.
I now see some of my previous thoughts as giving my power away. By owning these issues, I can transform them.
Second was the modality issue or, rather, what it was covering. Although it would seem I'm really confused on what even constitutes Swedish (as I was told today that one can't do "Swedish" on a chair, receiver clothed), and unclear on what kind of boundary delimits Shiatsu from other modalities, I don't actually have a problem with "maintaining the integrity of my giving Shiatsu as Shiatsu" so much as a problem improvising.
I'm not comfortable with improvisation, exploration, or experimentation with other people's bodies. How can I be; I'm not often comfortable doing those things with my own.
Movement Magic has facilitated such behavior with the most comfort I can remember feeling, but that's a very specific set and setting, a very safe container. It's not chair massage outside a store on a stranger.
I suspect that as long as that discomfort is there, it will affect my sessions with clients. Unfortunate, but it leaves me with a productive question: What would help/allow me to be more comfortable?
Posted by Josh A. at 08:24 PM | Comments (2)
October 17, 2004
Chair massage writeup
10/18/04
Shiatsu
As I sit brainstorming for writing, I find myself searching for positive aspects to my experience on Friday. But the truth is, at this moment, I don’t think chair massage is for me.
During my time at the Welcome Center, I gave chair sessions to five people. While it was kind of neat to touch five different bodies over the course of just a couple hours, the sessions could only be superficial. Very little assessment, limited areas of the body (mostly, as expected, head/neck/shoulders), and a context that didn’t provide the same privacy and safety of a treatment room all made for a very different experience both giving and, I assume, receiving.
Perhaps my toolbox is just too small at the moment. Chair massage seems, to me, more suited for Swedish. People all seemed pleased with their experiences, but my (cynical?) assumption is that Swedish would have been more in line with their expectations and thus felt subjectively more satisfying to receive.
Given my intentions for being here, I don’t see that corporate chair massage would be satisfying work for me. Which basically relegates the technique to either the “promotional” or the “extra cash” sections of the toolbox. Nothing wrong with that; I’m withholding judgment until I’ve graduated and am in the situation. I have this vision of chair massage as being particularly useful for jumpstarting a private practice client list.
I think what I’d like to do is borrow some chairs and trek down to Garberville or Arcata
some Saturday and see how we do in the “real world”. And then perhaps as a second experiment, try again with Swedish. Such further experiences would help refine my
current thoughts and feelings.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:47 PM | Comments (0)
A series of unfortunate events...
Those who know me well know that rousing me from sleep was the thirteenth Herculean task. I think that accomplishment set the tone for the rest of the day. Even though I was able to get up fairly easily and headed to breakfast, which wasn't the most disappointing today (blueberries!)... a good start couldn't make up for last night.
It was lightly raining on and off, but we decided to check out the marathon anyway. Oh, we knew the runners would run. Something really stopping couldn't stop them. I guess that's how athletes are. You certainly won't find me running in the rain, and that's probably why I'm not an athlete. So whether the marathon was on or not wasn't the question... but whether we would be standing out in the elements to lay hands on their athletic bodies was.
Of course, my party of four didn't really get that far. We had barely made it out of Heartwood when we realized I had a flat.
We changed it and realized the donut was flat.
We went back to Heartwood, tracked down someone in Maintenance, used their compressor to fill it, and headed down the mountain.
Then we got lost.
Several times, in several ways. The hand drawn map we had was not helpful. No one in the car had much of a sense of geography. We stopped and asked directions a couple times.
Finally we arrived, trekked down to the finish area, and looked for our organizer and fellow students. Of course they weren't there. They had arrived, dealt with the weather as long as they could, and hauled ass long before we ever showed up.
Pfft.
We figured we were out in the middle of nowhere in Humboldt County anyway, we might as well do something "local"... stopped at Myers Flat for food and got pizza. It made Kala sick and she threw up in their bathroom.
Good things: the redwoods were beautiful; we wandered around Garberville for a bit, even though most things were closed; I wasn't depending on this event for homework, so I don't have to scramble to find sessions to do tonight.
Posted by Josh A. at 05:10 PM | Comments (0)
Aaargghh
Last night was all about me not getting nice sleep.
First, people were talking in the other room as I was trying to get to sleep. I figured, "Quiet hours just started, they're not that loud, and they'll probably quiet down." Soon enough, they did.
But then, at 11:30 or so, cacophony exploded outside my room. People flowed out of somewhere laughing, talking, and carrying on so loudly that they didn't even hear me when I bellowed, "SHUT UP!" (my window is open).
You know, it's a real feat to wake me up from a dream. Bombs exploding (Roseville, early 80s) have failed to do so; the best intentions of family members have failed to do so. I'm bitterly impressed that mere people managed to do so inadvertently.
They still didn't hear me when I came outside. I had to yell specific names to get attention, and demanded that they quiet down.
They got quieter. So instead of sounding like a dorm orgy, they sounded like a cocktail party. The problem is, I didn't want them sounding like anything, other than hibernating bears perhaps.
Things got quieter and quieter, and I fell back asleep.
And then at 4:30, I hear this noise and open my eyes to see something hurtling toward me. I scream as a cat lands on Jamison's bed. It's Skits, and s/he's gotten in via our window, somehow bypassing the screen. "Skits" is short for "schizophrenic", and I'm tempted to throw the thing back out into the rain, until it settled down with Jamison.
For a while. I was woken up again as the cat exited our room by the same noisy entrance.
My maintenance request is already printed and being left in their mailbox this morning.
After breakfast it's off to the Redwoods Marathon, weather permitting.
Posted by Josh A. at 07:48 AM | Comments (0)
October 16, 2004
Unstructured, but nice
I think I hate unstructured days. That means I have to structure them. I only need one event or meeting or session booked, e.g. yesterday, in order to have something to schedule around.
It was kitchen appreciation day. All the kitchen staff went to the ocean or something, and students worked in their stead. They didn't do a bad job, either. Pumpkin pancakes for breakfast, nachos and other mexican-style food for lunch, and something weird for dinner.
I'm coming to the conclusion that processed/refined foods are "numbing", at least for me, and potentially for most people. Perhaps not exactly anesthetizing, but I suspect that they can cut us off from parts of ourselves, defeating attempts at self-awareness. Sympathetically it makes sense: eat whole foods, be a whole being; eat stuff that's been broken up into parts, get broken up into parts.
This would explain why food combining and general awareness of what and how I'm eating seem more important when eating a whole foods diet than not. "More important" = I feel the negative effects when I don't do it. I found myself asking, "Why doesn't food combining matter when I eat crap?" Why, when I leave the mountain, does my first meal result in a stomachache, but subsequent meals feel fine? Perhaps it's not that I feel "fine", but that on some level I don't feel much of anything.
I'm also noticing some potentially supportive evidence in other people. There seems to be a correlation between eating junk food and certain other behaviors; at least, I'm seeing them show up together in some people and not so much apart. The behaviors I see include rarely, if ever, using circle time to process, delve deeply, or express many emotions and a narrower range of emotional expression. Some subjective observations include different quality of touch (not present/distracted, inaccurate, and/or careless), and a predominating expression of what I often interpret as "false joy".
There are some obvious limitations to what conclusions can be drawn from my minimal and unintentional observations, but when I add them to my own personal experience and a possible underlying theory, I think I've got a good hypothesis. It would simply be a matter of a properly designed and administered survey on eating habits and somatoemotional awareness to confirm or deny the correlation.
I received my first deep tissue work ever. Intercostals, abdominals, psoas, iliacus, etc. My psoas were so happy to be touched, probably for the first time.
Supposedly, according to the Mayan calendar, we recently finished up a 13 day cycle of death and entered a 13 day cycle of creation and rebirth. In my lack of awareness of what was going on, I think I may have cut the death cycle short, hence stunting the new growth.
Oh well. Next time.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:03 PM | Comments (2)
October 15, 2004
The yay continues
Quote of the day: "The planning is indispensible. The plan is disposable." - Mikhael Smith, of Movement Magic
Love it.
Movement Magic II was great! It was nice to work a second time with the same people. I can't say any emotional issues came up, but foundation/Kidney stuff did, mostly surrounding my joints and ankles. It's easier to see how that's a foundation issue, but not necessarily easy to connect that to Kidneys... but in TCM they're pretty much the same, as our Kidneys are considered our energetic foundation. They also rule the joints and bones, and the deepest (most yin) parts of our bodies. The ankles are special... lots of Kidney points around our medial malleoli
So most people in America have Kidney issues as well as Liver/Gallbladder stuff goin' on.
I got to borrow some CDs from Mikhael. Great stuff that's new to me, including Taarka, Atman, and Tulku. Never heard of them before!
So chair massage went well. I wish I could say it went great, but it was kind of lackluster in some senses.
It was intended for incoming intensive students (deep tissue intensive starts next week), but most of our chair massage guinea pigs were staff and students. As much as I like the people here, I was really looking forward to interacting with strangers. Well, I got two at least, and one is even an intensive student.
I guess the Redwoods Marathon on Sunday will really be the thing to satisfy me :-)
I ordered next quarter's books. Getting them at least a bit cheaper than I would buying them at the store here. Shipping on most ended up being free, and on one I'm still saving $12 even after shipping. Yay. I had some success with BookFinder, but mostly I used Best Web Buys. I like to start there because it gives me so much good information about a book (e.g. ISBN, price comparison) in an easy layout, and then I like to delve deeper with BookFinder, Amazon, eBay, etc and see if I can't find an even better deal.
Did laundry today. First time in Humboldt county! First half of the quarter I was traveling so much I did it in SF or Sac. The prospect of using coin-op machines was so traumatic that I had to lure myself there with ice cream. Along with laundry soap, I bought mint chocolate chip, at Peter's suggestion, and used it to lure a companion (Kala) to the laundry room.
The ice cream was also a first for me in Humboldt County, as I haven't been consuming any at Heartwood. There are some people here who eat at least a pint a week, along with chocolate, chips, carbonated drinks, etc. Yeah, sure, the ingredients are organic, the oils are higher quality, and there's no corn syrup, etc... but it's still junk food when consumed that way. Chips are probably junk food no matter what.
I enjoy using ice cream as a treat (or as laundry anaesthetic), but chocolate I prefer to use therapeutically. Good quality dark chocolate can be very relaxing (hence the chocolate bar sold by Intelligent Nutrients).
Anyway, laundry's done, and I once again have clean socks.
Next weekend is an Ortho-bionomy workshop I'm really excited about. I do need to find out if it's experiential or just informational, though. Lots of great resources and extra avenues of learning going on around here though. Let's hope my pleasure continues into the week :-)
Posted by Josh A. at 09:47 PM | Comments (1)
Nice beginning
Yay today has been nice so far. Slept in, but not too long... showered, went to breakfast. Had a nice conversation with Mike about vegan fine cooking, and his experiences adapting classical French techniques to whole foods/vegan diets.
Movement Magic II was awesome. It was nice feeling such freedom to move and express in safety. I could really experience the difference between my way of being and moving at the MM done way back at the beginning of the quarter and this time. What a nice confirmation that the practices and processing I've been doing in the interim have actually had a noticeable positive effect.
Today the main issue that came up for me was some experiencing of my "I don't deserve" scripts... what brings them up, ways I prefer to play them out, etc. Very important work for anyone who wants to be in service industries, especially healing arts.
Weird thing about Heartwood food: often things I hate off the mountain they manage to do in a way I really enjoy... and many times they manage to take food I usually like and just fuck it up. The exception is Mexican food, which I love here and anywhere (except upstate New York).
So today they did dolmas... and I've never had a dolma I liked. Todays were really nice. I'm sure the leftovers will appear at the dinner salad bar.
And then there was the hummus. Oh god. Hummus is one of my favorite things. How could they do that to hummus?
Next up: chair massage for incoming intensive students in the welcome center. Time to get ready for that.
Posted by Josh A. at 01:37 PM | Comments (0)
October 14, 2004
Whew, end of the week (class-wise)
Conversation of the day... Staff: "I'm not really a healer." Me: "Oh? Have you ever had a cold?"
I suppose when a client says that I can start to pack up and let them know that I'm not going to waste their money giving a session that won't have any effect, right? ;-) It's nice to be reminded by someone else's lapse that we are all healers, just to varying degrees of consciousness, and that it is the client that does the healing, not the therapist.
I got up pretty early, which was nice. I wore Desmond's devil duckie pants today... I got sooo many compliments on them :-)
Breakfast was normal, which is to say I didn't get enough food. But I seem to always be hungry this week, unable to wait for the next meal, and stuffing myself but never really feeling stuffed.
Someone was telling me that people who are really Vata (as I am) often don't get enough energy out of greens and vegetables, not enough to make it worth the energy expenditure necessary to digest them. I've been addicted to tuna fish salad lately.
Shiatsu was fantastic. Everyone talked about their 5 Element projects today. The best, to me, by far, was Nishkama's. She crocheted 5 little medicine pouches, in representative colors with yarns from around the world. Each creation process was a meditation on the particular element being symbolized, and they looked so sacred.
They seem to have such potential, too. One could slowly accumulate power objects for each Element to store in the bags, choose a particular one to wear for a particular day, and incorporate them into one's shiatsu treatments. The creation process could also be done with even more ritual and infusion of power.
Everyone's projects could be taken farther, it seemed. My poster certainly could
I really enjoyed, as you can see, the people who took the project some place different than the standard poster or banner. There are others worth mentioning, but I'm tired and have more subjects to cover.
Such as the discussion we had with Erica about work and different kinds of bodywork jobs. She recommends that everyone work in the Caribbean at some point :-) She worked at the Golden Door in Puerto Rico, and it sounds really nice. She got to experience what it's like to be the minority (la gringa), made tons of money to pay off her student loans, got to soak up local culture and experiences, hung out on the beach and could afford healthy food and practices.
I'm letting some energy out into the Universe to create that for myself and Des. It would be so nice to find a way to be able to do that for 6 months or a year. It doesn't have to be Puerto Rico... lots of islands in this world :-)
At lunch we had a planning meeting for the Redwoods Marathon, which is on Sunday. A group of us are volunteering to do 10 minute massages for the athletes as they complete their run.
At first I was having a serious lack of confidence over the whole thing, but they did a brief demo during the meeting, and then later I got Soyka and Kristen to talk and demo more with me. I'm feeling better, and just want to get up to speed on a few particular point locations before the event.
Other than that, it should be an awesome learning experience, and we get tips, too :-)
The whole thing has me thinking of Michele, Des' sister, because she organizes this Tin Man event every year in the Adirondacks. Might be fun to visit during that time one year (her invite is open, I believe) and participate, do some massage, etc.
Musculoskeletal Anatomy class brought up some issues for me. Just old patterns of giving up, the kind of sad and pouty lack of interest I move into when thing aren't going right, when I'm not "getting it" fast enough. Heh. "Fast enough."
No, ok, I can't feel the direction of the rhomboid fibers. I have very little idea how to direct someone's actions to help isolate muscles and feel them contract and expand. It really sucked. And the environment was not what I needed to support me in the learning process, all grouped up and stressed for time.
Small victory toward the end... I asked Soyka if she would show me something, and asked her to repeat a demo I saw her doing at another table. Basically, I didn't know how to tell when I was at the edge of the trapezius in order to find levator scapulae. Well, she walked me through it and I did it. Not only did I feel the levator, I felt the superior angle of his scapula.
And then... it gets better. I showed another table how to do it, and they felt it, and one of the people palpating told me I did a very good demo.
Important note... I could hear the caring in Soyka's voice... she said, "Of course I'll show you something. What would you like me to show you?" OH my god. When I work with her one-on-one I feel so completely different than how I experience her in class, groups, etc. Loved, basically. And that feeling cuts through all my static and correct learning just flows.
I'm thinking it would be well worth the cost to hire some private tutoring from her.
After class, I did a session. Jeebus, I've done a session each day for the past three days, and my back hurts! How am I ever going to do this for a living? I know I'm working up to it by doing all this bodywork, but I think I need to look up back strengthening exercises online. Quads, too.
Time management. Yesterday was great, my session went exactly the length of time allotted, I accomplished everything I needed to do within that timeframe, and I got the client out the door at exactly the time I had intended.
Then this morning during chair massage trade I was the only one who watched the clock and finished my session at the correct time.
And then today. Wow. It took me TWO and a HALF HOURS to do a 75 minute session. There was just so much, outside of the bodywork, that I felt needed to be done.
I notice that personal investment has a lot to do with it. And I intend to work mostly with people I can have some investment in, that is to say, people I can see regularly and watch grow and change through our sessions. So this is exactly what I need to be working with and learning how to manage.
I did have more success being conscious with my movements. I think it worked out well. No negative feedback about my touch, and kudos on my confidence and honesty (about things I didn't know, where I'm at in my learning process, etc.) I also taught the client EFT and gave them the website address. I need to get a handout made up to give in these cases so they can continue at home more easily.
I need to do that anyway because I still want to do my first EFT workshop before the quarter is up.
Anyway, despite the horrible lack of time management, I'm really excited to hear back from this person to find out what continued effects, if any, they experienced, and hoping to see them each week and see how far we can go. Next time I'm going to ask permission to share some particular observations, and perhaps go deeper.
Dessert! Wonderful chocolate cake tonight. I had the non-vegan frosting. It was a going away dessert for Lucia, Paul's daughter. She was only here for summer break.
Afterward was Movement Magic I. I got to go to the first MMI, toward the beginning of the quarter, and didn't get to go to MMII, which I was really disappointed about. So I'm so pleased to be able to go tomorrow morning.
It's so fun and productive. Tonight's processing highlight was during an exercise in which we spent time moving as various characters (e.g. super heroes, old people, our inner victim, drama queens) and he directed us to move as our father. Well I never knew my dad, so I went and hid behind a big banner.
As I stood there, trying to be him, outside of it all, cut off, I started to get the impression that he might care about me. Or not. So I spent some time wondering, does he care? Does he ever think about me? What does it mean to him that he has a son that he doesn't even know? I have a half sister my own age, if that tells you anything, who I also don't know... and I wonder if he knows her. I wondered what it would be like to meet her. "Uhh, hi, I'm your half brother." "Yeah I'm your half sister." "Uhhhh." Yeah, great. Right, cheers, thanks a lot.
Anyway, it did help deepen my forgiveness process. I put my arms around myself, some kind of weird me-loving-my-dad/my-dad-loving-my-dad thing of acceptance.
Something else that came up... we were directed to move in a certain way, something about a lazy afternoon, just hanging on the porch, etc. And I had to go back to childhood to recall any such feelings. It feels sooo long since I could spend hours leisurely without something in the back of my mind gnawing at me. I certainly never do that here. I have periods of decompression, but there's always that awareness that I'm just killing time until the next thing, and the real reason I'm doing "nothing" is because I know that I would just be wasting my energy to try to do "something" at the time.
Bah, Paul Pitchford: "We say tai chi is the art of doing nothing well."
My roommate has been building a hovel in the woods. And sleeping in it most every night. I really want to spend the night there sometime, but I just don't know when! Not tonight, I have to be up for Movement Magic. Not Saturday, I have to be up for the Redwoods. Maybe tomorrow night?
So tomorrow! Yay. I'm doing chair massage in the welcome center on incoming intensive students. That should be rockin'. Wish me luck.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:56 PM | Comments (3)
October 13, 2004
Easy Wednesdays, where did you go?
Not getting to yoga was setting the tone for my entire day... until in Shiatsu we had heart circle and then got to do bodywork. Opening, receiving, giving... those three things, in that order, are a recipe for shifting my day.
I wasn't really productive in heart circle. When it was my turn I was still feeling off, and in a place I sometimes find myself... I know I'm in it because I'll start trying to find some measure of gratitude for something, anything, and be completely unable. What shifted things for me was listening to others; some things were said that touched and opened me.
So then we started chair massage! We observed Erica for a while, and then got to experiment with each other. My partner let me receive first, and then when I was done giving, I was able to call up my usual post-session gratitude immediately. I like to thank the universe and the receiver for the opportunity to touch and learn with another human. So that put me back on track for the day.
After lunch we had our academic advising meeting, signed forms, got next quarter's book list.
Then I gave a session before my next class. The highlight was my time management. I kept on top of time, I accomplished exactly what I wanted to during the allotted time, and I got my client out the door on time. All without rushing or giving the process short shrift.
Our CCS instructor was sick today, so Justin from Enrollment took her place. As much as I was disappointed not to have Amy, it was really nice to spend that time with Justin. I learned just by watching him, just like I am able to do with Amy.
During Community Heart Circle, I got out a lot surrounding movement, my body, etc. Realized the power that sentences that begin with "I don't know how..." can have. Often, they don't even need to be finished. "I don't know how." seems to sum up the energetics behind them.
I've gotten a lot of feedback about the "confidence" of my touch, about how a "firmer" touch or grasp or movement would put people more at ease, and I found myself closed off to it today. I could only listen to such feedback openly so many times without seeing much improvement.
But tonight I realized "listening to openly" does not imply "consciously intending to change". So the first step is to set some intentions.
I also realized that I've been performing certain actions unmindfully so that I can try to avoid taking responsibility for the outcome.
It's almost as if, "Oh I wasn't there, so I didn't really do that." I can listen to this feedback because it's not really being said about the core of me, because most of me was somewhere else when my body was doing that.
The crux of the problem is: I'll sit there and stare, for example, at a hand. And I know that I have to move it. I reach for it, and in that instant, I go away. Some part of me flees as fast as it can. And I pick up the hand and do what needs to be done next, but not with full consciousness.
I know that I have to move that hand, and I don't know how.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:01 PM | Comments (0)
UGH mornings
I'm coming to the conclusion that I simply cannot stay up past 10pm if I'm to get up in the morning before, say, 8. Just not going to happen. The sooner I accept it, the sooner I can start getting to bed around 9:30 and get through my weeks.
Posted by Josh A. at 08:19 AM | Comments (0)
October 12, 2004
Full day
There's been a different quality to the sunlight, and it suffuses the air, generally in the mornings but also in the afternoons, with this sublime feeling. Maybe "joyful stillness" would be the best way to describe it.
Today I tried something new. In the treatment rooms I posted a sign up sheet listing three dates/times I could set aside to give bodywork sessions. On one of the chalkboards near the Lodge I left a note asking interested people to sign up. No later than dinner I already had all of my sessions for this week scheduled.
Woo! That is so much more elegant than wandering around grabbing people only to hear "I'd love to, anytime but this week." "Great! Oh, today? Sorry." I'm most pleased.
Here it is:
Quote of the day: "When you feel like you're doing nothing, that's a good bear." -- Paul Pitchford
Of course, that's not as good as one during the first half of the quarter: "Let the bear do you." But I like them both.
Posted by Josh A. at 07:00 PM | Comments (1)
October 11, 2004
mmmmONDAAAY
Today in nutrition lecture I realized the idiocy of expecting children to eat the same things as the adults at meals: they're at completely different developmental stages. We don't expect infants or toddlers to eat the same meals, but at some point--some point much too soon--we start expecting that children will eat the dinner we prepare, which is often the dinner we want or think should be good for them.
Yeah, Paul was talking about how cleansing greens are, particularly bitter greens, and how generally children don't need to cleanse, and are in more of a building stage. Of course, American children generally eat a lot of things that they probably need to cleanse, starting with their non-vegetarian mother's breast milk. (Yeah, if you're pregnant, you might want to think about quitting meat along with cigs and alcohol.)
We don't care what you put in your body, but...
I forgot to mention last week that on Wednesday I helped sort grapes for a while, and the next day at lunch was wonderful sauvignon blanc grape juice :-)
I'm having issues with the bathrooms. One is, it's only going to get muddier/dirtier as the rains come in more heavily... I wish I had some happy choice other than to live with a filthy bathroom floor, as people slog in with their muddy shoes and the inevitable unfolds.
Two, maintenance just does stuff. I'm well aware that a) the culture here is not one of considering student input into these things and b) I'm probably the only one who cares, but when I come in and the clock has been moved so that photos someone else thought looked good can be put up in its place, or find a chalkboard has been mounted instead of a whiteboard, feelings come up in me ranging from unimportant to unserved to pissed off.
The "feel" of the space and its functionality have been thrown off; the new position is completely inappropriate for the clock. I appreciate the new bulletin board, but the chalkboard... chalkboards are disgusting: dirty, dusty, probably carcinogenic.
I wish our thoughts, feelings, tastes, and needs had been at least checked in with before random changes just occur.
Do you have sugar cravings? Things you can do that I learned about today! 1) Eat a plant based whole foods diet. 2) Chew your food more thoroughly. 3) Add more seaweeds/algaes to your diet, like nori, dulce, spirulina, and chlorella. 4) Cereal grasses: wheat, barley, rye, oat. You can juice 'em or consume the whole food. 5) Use whole stevia instead of artificial sweeteners or refined sugars. 6) Chew licorice bark.
Last night I had a friend read my essay, and he told me how what I'm doing just amazes him, and today walking back to the dorms I was feeling amazed myself, and I thought, "Wow... for once my feelings are congruent with what someone else says." More often when people express their compliments, I don't feel they're really deserved.
Highlight of the day: someone approached my Shiatsu instructor to tell her what a great session I gave him or her. It felt so good to hear that.
Posted by Josh A. at 08:10 PM | Comments (4)
October 10, 2004
A success is a success
Well, I may not have completed all my sessions, but I did complete my scholarship essay and submit it an hour before the deadline. Woo.
I wanted to be asleep two hours ago, but it would be unAmerican of me not to sacrifice my health for money.
No, I'm pleased that I finally finished and wrote something from the heart. After the scholarship winner is announced, I'll post my (winning!) essay here.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:56 PM | Comments (0)
Chaka raka roo
I did my second session this morning, and it was nice, but something felt off or lacking. I guess I just need to work on comfort and flow more. I have yet to actually ask a client to set intentions for the setting, but it comes to mind earlier and earlier each time
I didn't manage to book a third session. I felt such defeat coming back down to the dorms.
Highlight of the day: more chakra work. I held my third and first chakras and connected them. Just where I was drawn after reading about them. Holding the first was more emotional than the third. A great sense of "Oh my gosh I'm getting loved and cared for?" The third was more like calming down a temper tantrum.
Posted by Josh A. at 08:11 PM | Comments (0)
Top of the WHO?
For the last week I've been noticing that each day I wake up resistant. I feel repelled by consciousness, by the world "out there" and the prospect of being in it. "Yuck," I think to myself. And once I get out of bed and do energy tuneup, I feel fine. More awake, more connected. Today I was able to consciously get out of bed knowing that the "yuck" would go away in just 5 minutes.
But this gets me thinking that maybe my energy's getting reversed during sleep, and I'd like to know why, or at least how to prevent it.
Posted by Josh A. at 07:46 AM | Comments (0)
October 09, 2004
Another success
The ease continued into today. Not into my waking up, of course. I was draggin' myself out of bed and up the hill!
The last part of Reiki I was woooonderful. We started with circle and I got to hear all my beautiful classmates talk about their attunement experiences. I shared the poem I wrote when I received my attunement. I had quite the adrenaline rush, not sure if I could do the poem justice in front of an audience, but I could feel how amazed they were. Nice ego trip for a few minutes :)
Second half was spent doing group treatments, which were also beautiful. I was invited to be one of six to work on the instructor, and we finished with an om circle and group hug
I'm pleased to have so many more reiki people on campus now. I wanted to do healing circles starting the first week, and I did get one together, and we never did it again... kinda let it fall by the wayside. Now perhaps new people will be eager to practice and we can make time for it.
The prospective students are here, so the food is more mainstream like. I cynically saw no other motive for it than luring people (and their money) to attend here, but Janna pointed out that psychologically it's easier on people who don't have much other choice for eating during their visit, and that the food over time here has progressed from that type of more mainstream food to our current diet. It's nice that they ease us in without my even realizing it. No, actually, I just thought they were losing steam!
I was sitting at lunch lamenting how irritating it was to be required to do my three sessions this week on staff, faculty, or prospective students... as I've had trouble asking/advertising... and suddenly today's session came to me, easily. A staff member was walking by, I called her over, offered, and we scheduled it.
Then when I was up at the store, I ran into someone who started asking me about what classes were like for me, what program I was in, and then offered himself for practice. So I scheduled that for tomorrow morning.
Woo.
My last session for the weekend will come just as easily.
Tonight I tried to write my scholarship essay, but it didn't come quite so easily. I did some yoga, a focus spiral, and them some TAT to get myself into a place to just be a channel for it, and I wrote a hand-written page worth, but damn. I've got a long way to go.
Posted by Josh A. at 08:43 PM | Comments (0)
October 08, 2004
Yay easier
First, today has been a wonderful transition from ^HELL WEEK^ and into a calmer, more graceful ease.
Yesterday I forgot to mention the highlight of my day. For the first time ever in our class, Erica asked at the beginning if anyone would like to lead us in warming up. I volunteered immediately. I started people stretching and jumping up and down, and then explained that I like to do an energy tuneup each morning, but didn't get to do it today and so they all got to do it with me.
It's basic, takes only five minutes, and they loved it. It was relevant because it involves some points we do, but it was also fresh because it involves some energy work we don't do in shiatsu, like cross crawls and crown pulls.
So I led the class like a giddy little boy. All I needed was some pajamas with feet. Not exactly Masterful, but nothing to be scorned in my opinion.
So Sarah's show was great, although much of her work revolves around relationships... not sure I was in a great place for all of THAT, but I guess it's good that I was more sensitive to being touched by it than I might usually be. It was mostly singing/guitar, but also some nice spoken word stuff. Most of it was very funny.
One of her songs is about her first yeast infection; it's a sing-a-long and the chorus goes "In myyyy-yy-yy VA GI NA." She encouraged guys to sing along and be open to profound experiences while doing so ;-)
Another that sticks out in my memory was about the perils of sensitive New Age men and how dating them isn't always what it's cracked up to be.
I stayed up until 6:45am doing my 5 Elements art project. At least it's done, out of the way, and I don't have to worry about it all week. My choices seemed to be: spend 7 hours last night busting it out in order to obtain something decent, or work twice that long over the course of the weekend and next week in order to turn in something lame.
See, in order to have it printed, shipped, and delivered on time, I had to have it to the printer this morning. Eastern Time. So it got mailed out this afternoon. And it should arrive here on Wednesday.
Since mail is only delivered here three times a week, it wouldn't have worked to have it shipped Monday.
So I did a nice 24x24 poster, digitally... the alternative was to cobble together something handmade, at a place where I have zero studio space, precious few art supplies, haven't been feeling enough creative abundance to create seriously in a physical way, and the closest art store is at least an hour away.
I think I made the best choice, but who knows. Anyway, here's what I came up with:
Notice the colors in the center. They symbolize the "control cycle", for example Water controls Fire (it extinguishes it), Earth controls Water (think riverbanks), etc, so the color for Water overlays a bit of Fire's space, the color for Earth overlays ab it of Water's space, etc.
The thing I realized after finishing is that the shape in the center, the pentagon, is the Discordian symbol for control. So I was really pleased with that bit of unconscious symbolizing.
You can download a PDF version if you'd like to print a copy for yourself. Just don't sell it or try to turn it in like you did it ;-)
So after sleeping and finally waking, it was on to lunch and then Reiki!
Soyka decided to offer Reiki I this quarter, and when she first announced it I wondered if I shouldn't take it. I believe one can get benefits out of multiple attunements, and at first I wasn't really sure about mine. Of course, the next day or so I had that heart chakra experience, and that really bolstered my confidence in my abilities. All the same, I definitely wanted to receive the in person instruction (my first attunement was done via distance).
I was really glad I went all around. It was great to be in Soyka's presence and energy outside of a science class. I got some good leads on reiki books. I took notes on some details about how the class was run. And two big things happened.
The first had to deal with my attunement issue. I got to try Soyka's pendulum after she explained how to use it, but I was not successful with it. Of course, it's hers and doesn't work so well for others, and I need the least obstacles possible ;-) She used it and determined that my attunement was fully functional and I didn't need another one.
I stayed while she attuned the others; it was beautiful to watch. By the end of class, I had worked through the stuff and realized that it wasn't that I "need another level one attunement", which implies that I'm not at the right spot, but just my impatience. What I am really desiring is my level two attunement, and while coming from a place of want & lack transformed that into "oK, another level one attunement is better than nothing."
Nothing like desperate, unproductive stabs of action into the dark to waste one's time, right?
There's a lot mixed up in here of being comfortable with where I'm at, allowing time for the process, and trusting that when the student is ready, the circumstances align and opportunity presents itself.
Soyka is planning to offer Reiki II next quarter, but I'm going to talk to her. Perhaps she would be willing to do it one on one before then, and maybe I could then help with the class.
The other great thing that happened was I got to work with runes for the first time. I've seen runes before, but always managed to avoid them. I'm not sure why, something about them always seemed so spartan and inelegant about them, especially compared to tarot cards.
But, they called to me today, so I drew three and looked them up in the book... it was really nice. I was so impressed I continued to work with them during class breaks, and had a much better time with them than I ever have with tarot, at least working on my own.
We finally got pizza this week. They didn't do it on Wednesday, because open house students came today and they wanted to be able to serve them pizza. They also made cookies, lots of cookies, four different types. Bribin' the prospectives with baked goods, eh? ;-)
THEN it started to rain. I was so displeased. I ran back to the lower dorms in my t-shirt. Blah.
It's weird, I don't really feel like I've entirely gotten back yet. This kind of feels like the first day. What happened to that whole week? It went by like an eye blink. I'm glad I stayed this weekend, otherwise I'd be leaving feeling like I had just barely arrived.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:51 PM | Comments (1)
October 07, 2004
Hell week almost over
I did not want to get out of bed today. One, I needed sleep. Two, I wasn't looking forward to being conscious. I thought I slept in past breakfast, but somehow my clock was an hour off, so that was a pleasant surprise.
After I did get up, I checked my email and got a lot happier... for a while. I was so pleased while showering, breakfast, and shiatsu. We had heart circle in class, and then drew meridians and acupoints on each other.
But things dropped off in the afternoon. I felt pretty depressed during musculoskeletal anatomy... I was finding it very hard to be present, and found myself much happier after it was all over. The science classes are important to me, but I was finding it impossible to see it as important from 1:45 to 3:45 today. But, that's the time that's set aside for it, and I got through it. Even palpated part of the quadratus lumborum.
I'm still interested in growing more elegantly, and after talking with Des I'm thinking the next step is to be a channel for fear and pain, rather than staying stuck in them or wishing they would go away.
Funny how the Universe works sometimes... synchronicities... things that seem to happen just when I need them. Monday we talked about the Fire Element, which has to do with, among other things, our relationships. And it was almost too relevant... difficult to listen to in class. And then yesterday in Conscious Communication Skills we talked about Truth Telling, at just about the time it's becoming apparent that I need to commit myself to always speaking my truth.
We talked about Non-Truth, Half Truths, and The Unarguable Truth. Looking over the examples, I find that I have experience with all three. She defined truth as "That which cannot be argued with." Our handout says "The cash value of telling the truth is that it stops arguments."
In case you're wondering, good examples of Truth include sensations and feelings, mostly in "I Statements". There are more, but those are the basics.
I managed to shower a little bit ago... I went all out, dragged the speakers and iPod in there, played loud punk music, it was nice.
Next up is dinner, than Sarah's show. I probably won't be able to write about it until tomorrow, so you'll just have to wait until then.
Posted by Josh A. at 05:30 PM | Comments (0)
October 06, 2004
A better day than I thought
Mmm... last night before I went to bed, I did a foot soak for the first time ever. It was so nice. Soak, exfoliating scrub, pumice, and finally conditioning foot lotion. I was feeling like I've been so rough on my feet here... their skin was reflecting that, peeling in places, hardening in others. So over break I made sure to obtain the supplies necessary to show them some love.
Plus, Paul and others here are always talking about our feet as our foundation, our roots, our connection to the earth. The start of the kidney meridian is there, and the kidneys seem to be the most important organ in the body, or at least the most emphasized in our curriculum.
Today in Yoga, Sirena provided us with copies of the chant she finished practice with, and we were able to chant a long. That was fantastic, because I always leave yoga with that chant in my head for most of breakfast. Now I can actually learn it. Maybe I'll post the words sometime.
Erica said my body mechanics were "looking great" today in Shiatsu... they didn't feel great, but I know it's a strengthening process. At least different muscles are hurting; I see that as a good sign.
We shared mnemonics for remembering the Five Elements today. Mine was:
We Want Fun Element Mnemonics
Some others included "Wandering Women Free Earth Magic", "Freeing Every Moment With Worship", and "We Follow Energy Moving Within"
Celebrating the small victories: my confidence with Reiki received a major boost today. At the end of the bodywork portion of Shiatsu, we were doing some energy work... and when I moved my hand over my partner's heart chakra, I could feel the energy radiating from it. It wasn't something I had been trying to feel, it was actually a surprise. A very nice one at that.
Also, yesterday while talking with Soyka the possibility came up of me helping her with her Reiki 1 class this quarter, and I didn't feel any confidence in my ability to do that. But after today I'm actually hoping that can happen, because I know it would be fantastic.
After lunch I got some stuff done. Sent some mail out, although I've got a lot more to deal with. Also put 20 copies of my postcard on consignment in the student store. The store manager liked them so much she wants to buy some for herself. I would love to be able to do a series of Heartwood pieces... I wonder if that will happen. I'm open to going either way.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:10 PM | Comments (0)
October 05, 2004
You eat what?
Today in Shiatsu, Erica brought up something really relevant for me... the class was talking about how massage therapy can be a lifestyle as well as a profession, and how this can help us from becoming burnt out statistics (the average career span of an MT is something like 7 years).
So we talked about lifestyle, staying with our center, and practices, like tai chi, yoga, nutrition, things that build and maintain foundation. And then she mentioned being around people that support our lifestyle.
That really related to things that have been on my mind, things I haven't put the journal entries in for yet. :-) But I'm wondering how to maintain my current relationships without compromising my own integrity. I want to meet people where they're at, but I need to be met halfway. What is the win-win if someone else can't meet in the middle? I guess it's "no deal" then?
YOU try telling YOUR grandma, "Sorry, no deal." and get back to me on that.
I'm so not pleased with the time being almost 10pm. Sleepy time. More journaling next time.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:51 PM | Comments (6)
Back
!
I've been meaning to write here for DAYS now. I have journal entries handwritten or outlined for every single day since the last one. It's just a matter of finding the time to enter them.
But, I couldn't put it off any more. Things you should know:
- I made it back to Heartwood safe and sound
- Life is beautiful
- I'm drinking Ti Kwan Yin, a fantastic oolong
- I love you
Posted by Josh A. at 07:09 AM | Comments (0)
October 03, 2004
Thanks, I love you, too.
Went outside and just looked up at the moon. Stared at her with my myopic eyes (my glasses were inside on the kitchen counter) and watched thin clouds moving quickly between us.
Stepped down off of the deck into the delicious earth with my bare feet. Leaned back on my heels, spread my toes, and came back down one toe at a time, grasping the earth and reestablishing my connection straight down to the core of this place.
Opened my crown to the heavens, feeling the jolting prelude to remembering. Gathered the energy at my feet and brought it up into me. Reached up toward the sky and brought it down into me.
"I came here," I said... looking up into the glimmer.
"It's ok to love this place," I said, looking down at it all.
I've had many moments before in which I felt love for everyone on this planet. For the first time, I now know what it's like to feel loved by everybody back. Their love--your love--welled up through my feet, came up around me from all sides, sprayed inside me like a fountain, crashed down over me like a large ocean wave.
I think I doubled over.
Posted by Josh A. at 03:24 AM | Comments (0)