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October 13, 2004
Easy Wednesdays, where did you go?
Not getting to yoga was setting the tone for my entire day... until in Shiatsu we had heart circle and then got to do bodywork. Opening, receiving, giving... those three things, in that order, are a recipe for shifting my day.
I wasn't really productive in heart circle. When it was my turn I was still feeling off, and in a place I sometimes find myself... I know I'm in it because I'll start trying to find some measure of gratitude for something, anything, and be completely unable. What shifted things for me was listening to others; some things were said that touched and opened me.
So then we started chair massage! We observed Erica for a while, and then got to experiment with each other. My partner let me receive first, and then when I was done giving, I was able to call up my usual post-session gratitude immediately. I like to thank the universe and the receiver for the opportunity to touch and learn with another human. So that put me back on track for the day.
After lunch we had our academic advising meeting, signed forms, got next quarter's book list.
Then I gave a session before my next class. The highlight was my time management. I kept on top of time, I accomplished exactly what I wanted to during the allotted time, and I got my client out the door on time. All without rushing or giving the process short shrift.
Our CCS instructor was sick today, so Justin from Enrollment took her place. As much as I was disappointed not to have Amy, it was really nice to spend that time with Justin. I learned just by watching him, just like I am able to do with Amy.
During Community Heart Circle, I got out a lot surrounding movement, my body, etc. Realized the power that sentences that begin with "I don't know how..." can have. Often, they don't even need to be finished. "I don't know how." seems to sum up the energetics behind them.
I've gotten a lot of feedback about the "confidence" of my touch, about how a "firmer" touch or grasp or movement would put people more at ease, and I found myself closed off to it today. I could only listen to such feedback openly so many times without seeing much improvement.
But tonight I realized "listening to openly" does not imply "consciously intending to change". So the first step is to set some intentions.
I also realized that I've been performing certain actions unmindfully so that I can try to avoid taking responsibility for the outcome.
It's almost as if, "Oh I wasn't there, so I didn't really do that." I can listen to this feedback because it's not really being said about the core of me, because most of me was somewhere else when my body was doing that.
The crux of the problem is: I'll sit there and stare, for example, at a hand. And I know that I have to move it. I reach for it, and in that instant, I go away. Some part of me flees as fast as it can. And I pick up the hand and do what needs to be done next, but not with full consciousness.
I know that I have to move that hand, and I don't know how.
Posted by Josh A. at October 13, 2004 10:01 PM