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September 08, 2004
Waiting for this to pass
What a day. I got to sleep later than I would have liked, so I missed yoga and almost breakfast. It really colored a lot of my day.
Speaking of the day, it was Water Element day in Shiatsu... everyone dressed in blues and grays, it was fun that everyone participated. Also had circle time, which I used as a bitchfest:
Today I found out that it looks like I might not have a phone line until as late as October 7th. I'm really unhappy about that. Verizon is having to lay new cable. Why the school didn't have phone lines put in ages ago really escapes me. Anti-technology sentiment? Get with it. We all exist in relation to the rest of the world... I wouldn't even be here were it not for technology. We depended on phones, faxes, and email for both the application and the financial aid processes.
So yeah, I'm kind of feeling really unsupported by aspects of the community. While I know some people won't even be ordering phone lines, and some want them merely for convenience, I need one in order to work, to maintain consistent contact with my business partner, and access the internet with my own computer and specialized software, not a crippled public terminal.
And I have to say, processing my relationships as we deal with my being away at school is not something I can really fit to a public phone located outside, interestingly enough, the "quiet zone" dorms, or 15 minute time slots at a Lodge payphone. That stuff is important, too. It's not just "convenience".
Wednesdays are easy days. Plenty of time between Shiatsu and Conscious Communication. No movement or meditation. No science. And.... PIZZA? Usually, yes. Not tonight. Accident! The kitchen found they didn't have enough ingredients for pizza. Maybe they'll do pizza tomorrow?
I've had an odd pattern coming up for me... I was invited to go swimming after dinner, and I said yes, and wanted to... and then didn't. On my way up to the store I passed the Temple, and thought, "It would be so awesome to stop in the Temple for a bit." But I was still walking, so I even stopped... and looked at the Temple, considering it. And then I kept walking.
Weird. I'm not sure how to describe it, or what it's about, but it feels almost depressed.
CCS was good as usual. The subject matter really turns me on of course. Communication, counseling, awareness, interaction. I notice some students seem really into it and others seem really bored. I feel for them... I imagine what it would be like to "have to take 20 hours of this stuff" when it wasn't really the right time for me to be doing that "stuff".
Surya is the student counselor here, and Surya's Playtime is a weekly "workshop" (for lack of a better word... "playshop"?) she holds on Wednesday nights. I've gone every night so far... it's not right for everybody all the time, but it's really important to me right now.
Every time I go, it brings issues to the surface. And the issues I work with at Playtime are often connected to, and sometimes the exact same as, the body issues I and some other students are dealing with in Shiatsu. The first time it was so hard remembering how to play, and I only succeeded because I had read John Holt so recently. And it was difficult finding comfort in my body. In between the second and tonight's, I did the first Movement Magic "playshop", and that really helped... the safe space the facilitator created plus the structure provided by the "exercises" we did really opened me up. So each Playtime I've felt freer and more expressive, but tonight's was markedly progressed.
Tonight's first issue actually had a voice. I heard it say, "It's wrong to enjoy your body." And I answered back! I danced through it and declared, "NO. It's RIGHT to enjoy my body." To enjoy moving, moving in my body.
And then, issues of ego, and awareness of others, of energy. I don't want to say much on this, other than that sometimes I feel REALLY "insensitive". I know the word has some specific negative connotations, but I invite you to ignore all of that and consider the denotation. I've channeled so much energy into my eyes, as a visual learner and as a graphic designer. Now I'm asking myself to learn to sense things, usually very subtle things, with other parts of my body and being. And my inadequacies are being thrown into high relief at times.
Posted by Josh A. at September 8, 2004 10:37 PM