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September 16, 2004
Mmm... sandwich...
The day was like a "yuck" on "fantastic" sandwich.
Bread: I woke up pretty easily, ahead of time, and although I could have gone to yoga or something, I took the time for me. It was really nice, to catch up on emails, do some research, and some reading.
Shiatsu went well. I was able to talk to the instructor about making up my two missed classes and we found a solution that worked for both of us.
The highlight of class: during practice, she walked by and said, "Great body mechanics, Josh." Uhh come again? Me? Wow. I'm learning :-)
Nasty: My frustration with the technology situations here came to a frothy, irritated head. It wasn't even so much what's affecting me or how so much as not feeling heard on the matters.
Luckily, this was all right before my meeting with Surya, the student counselor.
Condiment: I managed to pack a lot into our time slot. I came to a new understanding with the situation here, a vantage point from which I think I can move into acceptance, positivity, and helpfulness. Sometimes the ways in which my head would like me to be helpful aren't the ways I can be truly helpful.
Reality: Institutions change slowly, especially when they are working on BIG change. Reality: People often get numb hearing about/thinking about the same problems every quarter when there's nothing they can do about it yet. Reality: Heartwood is in the position of maintaining a school that is like no other massage school, and yet still having to compete with other schools on price. Fact: You don't know the power of this place until you come here. Fact: Not everyone can afford to visit before enrolling.
This is all shifting. And I believe effective, productive containers for the students' voices to be heard are forthcoming. Co-creation isn't always the quickest process. :-)
Now I need to integrate all of that, ACCEPT, apply the principles of manifestation, come from a positive place, and find ways to BE the change I'd like to see.
I also reframed some feelings, from "Do I have boundary issues?" to "I'm learning." America doesn't teach its children to talk like this, and move like this, and touch like this. I'm learning a new language, and there's quite the learning curve for me. I'm working through what's left of 13+ years of schooling and 24 years of accumulated crap.
The last thing I did was mention my desire to hold a workshop here, and what a bottle that uncorked. More on that later.
Spice: Just before dinner, I had a brief encounter with the illusion of Insufficiency. A Polarity Intensive student needed a receiver, and the TA knew I am really interested in the modality... but I couldn't do it at the time he had available, and at first my mind raced: "Is it now or never? Man, how important is this to me? Maybe I should break the commitment? But I really don't know much about Polarity, can I ask them some questions first?" and before any of that had even gone by, someone else volunteered.
And I realized: there is abundance. There will be more time slots, more givers needed, and even new students at the next intensive. I can try Polarity Therapy at a time that works for both me and the giver.
Bread: I was so thankful that I kept my commitment and went to Deep Circle after dinner. I held more space tonight than I knew was possible. I felt energetically sensitive really for the first time. I stayed present, grounded, in relationship, and got real BIG... and when it was time for me to speak, I moved in a way that I have been working for; new,for me, and wonderful.
What I remember speaking about most is my desire to hold an EFT workshop here and all the shit that's been holding me back. Best expressed in questions like: Am I good enough? Will anyone come? Or worse, what if they do come and it goes horribly? Will they take me seriously? Do I take myself seriously?
Some things I came out with: it's ok to take myself seriously because I'm not taking myself seriously. I have something to share. And I'm learning (more of that!) And it's ok.
My expression flowed, in and out of joy and tears and self love and gratefulness. Physically, I moved with a sense of freedom. For perhaps the first time, I felt good about the crying parts, and didn't feel a need to hide them. I felt really good about the balance provided by other parts, other feelings and my expression of them.
I left feeling wired, HUGE. I went to the Lodge and enveloped everyone in it. I joined a group going down to the sauna & hot tub, and did several cycles of sweating and cold showers before bed. Really helped me bring all that energy back into myself.
Dessert: So much is changing so quickly.
I've never had internet connectivity so slow and personal processing so fast.
Although I've downgraded the former to copper wire, I've upgraded the latter to fiber optic.
Posted by Josh A. at September 16, 2004 10:08 PM