« Better than yesterday! | Main | Calming »
September 21, 2004
It hurts so good
Quite a few people seem to be misunderstanding my writing here, and I want to journal about it for a bit. They've highlighted for me some areas that need context or clarification.
First is, I've written about some pretty uncomfortable experiences here in the last four weeks. Some of them have even been painful. I understand that simply reading about these things can be uncomfortable or painful for the people who care about me.
But I'm sure you understand how important they are. The "rough times" here are like sandpaper... applied carefully and with intention, to smooth off my edges. Far from being something I want to get rid of any time soon, the "rough times" I describe in my journal are *why I'm here*. And that's why there's such tremendous support here for the process.
It's probably difficult to imagine... I don't think I could have conceptualized it before coming here. If I were in your shoes, I'd be reading this stuff and imaging myself going through it in my life wherever you are, with whatever kind of support system I'd managed to cobble together, and thinking, "Holy shit. I couldn't deal with that, not here, not now anyway."
But that's really the point. I'm here. Full time, residential, Heartwood. No job stress. Relatively little financial stress (that's being stored up for later!). Less interpersonal stress, in many ways. No hectic bustle of daily life in a non-community setting. I don't even have to cook or do dishes.
I'd seriously have to rely on more than weekly professional counseling if I were going through this in a context like non-students live in. But that's the great thing, there is a counselor here, and a whole lot of other resources, too.
If I could only document one aspect of my experience here, these important shifts and clearing works would be it.
I also understand that often our first reaction in such situations is to respond with "Oh I'm so sorry" or, later, "How are you doing with this, are you still having trouble with that?"
While I appreciate (and need) that the people in my life care about me and have concern for me, I need it to be channeled differently.
We all have shit, and it's usually pretty damned icky. So look at it this way: someone's just gone through this process of letting go, and now they're showing you whatever it was as they say goodbye to it... and your reaction is, "I'm so sorry"... that can keep them stuck, or distract them from the letting go. Why not, "I'm so glad you got that out of you!" I'd like to be affirmed... as Surya says, "Awesome shit, man!" We all have shit, and the elimination process is really quite marvelous.
Then you see them next week... they're busy digesting the latest meal, and feeling however they're feeling, and you ask "So how are you doing with that shit from last week?" Eh? Damn, I thought I was rid of that. Now someone's bringing it up, what was the issue again, oh yeah, ugh.
Help me let go of this stuff by not holding on to it yourself. :-) By the time I hear from someone, I'm either busy being happy, or dealing with a new issue. The sources of my discomfort have been continually shifting... as I clear what's in front of me, it makes room for new (often very old) stuff to come up. The best way to help with that is to be my friend, offer encouragement, affirmation, acknowledgement. I hope that you can share in the pure joy of all of this shit!
I hope no one is feeling offended or badly reading this, as that is not my intent. No one who's reacted in the ways above is "bad" or "wrong"... they simply act in one way, and I am requesting that they act in another. Albeit a way of being that is not, in my experience, common. But I'm finding it to be so much more conducive to health and happiness than the ways I originally learned.
Secondly!
Quite a few people wondered why I haven't included very much "personal" information in this journal.
I admit to being flabbergasted.
"Here I am," I thought, "baring my soul in public, and they're asking for 'personal'??? What can they mean?"
Turns out most of them wanted to know how my grandma's doing, other people in my life, when I'm comin' to Sac or SF or wherever.
Wow. oK then. I wouldn't really use the word "personal" to describe those things, hence my confusion. But I will try to include more of that.
Please understand, however, that I don't see anyone very often. I've been off the mountain twice so far, and one of those times turned into my own personal hell. That doesn't encourage me to leave and have other types of experiences to tell you about. It's pretty much this for the next 8 months ;-)
The people in my life who are wondered about... I admit to not having much contact with them. They have been so incredibly supportive in getting me here and continue to be supportive as I spend my time here. If you are really interested in how they're doing, then I really want to support you in contacting them directly. If you don't know how to get a hold of them, let me know and I'll get you in touch with them.
Posted by Josh A. at September 21, 2004 11:57 PM