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September 28, 2004
an Off day
Woke up in a foul mood. Thinking about work stuff. Not happy because even though I was up earlier than I wanted to be, it wasn't early "enough".
Drove back to Sacramento, unhappy most of the first half of the way. Finally brought myself out of it (cognitively), and stopped in Vacaville to go to the outlets. Didn't find anything I went for, but found something unexpectedly: a copy of Donna Eden's Energy Medicine for only $6.
Trying to "listen" more. Paid 12 cents less for gas because of it, too.
Got to Sac with time to spare, made my one o'clock session, had lunch at kT Noodle with Jim -- curry chicken with rice. He lent me a bunch of CDs of massage-appropriate music, which is good because I don't have much at all. I've been using the same Timothy Leary album with everyone.
So I'm ripping all this music to my hard drive, and have come across a couple that weren't in the CDDB... that's fine, I look them up on AMG, type in the info myself, submit the track names to CDDB for other people in the future, and then rip.
[sidenote: I love that iTunes and CDDB are Unicode compatible and that an Artist name in Kanji shows up correctly!]
And then I come across some unknown album that's not anywhere to be found. WTF. "Through the Vortex with Lazaris". Oh really. "Music composed specifically for Lazaris." Mmm. "What the hell is Lazaris?", I wonder. Some kind of new age hippy event maybe?
Turns out Lazaris is YAC, or, Yet Another Channeled... well, something. Being? Entity? Spirit(s)? Like Tobias and Kryon and Abraham.
Of course the first thing I run into is this:
We are here to remind you that pain and fear are not the only methods of growth; that you can more elegantly grow through joy and love....
Nice. Now how do I DO that? That is exactly what I've been looking for, as I've wandered around Heartwood not wanting to be "that guy" who's always working through some tearful issue or traumatic memory or another. As I've grown tired of "always" dealing with "issues", if not mine, than ours, or hers, or yours.
Of course, they don't have the tracks listed on their website. What do you expect, enlightenment AND easily facilitated music "borrowing" all in one spot?
Talked with Des. No, talked. If briefly. Sooo many issues. At least we communicate about them, and we're not half bad at it if I do say so myself. But I don't always have the mental or energetic abundance to really deal with them. CPU use 90%...
And, see above. If an individual can grow through joy & love rather than pain & fear, then surely that scales. And of course the first step is to BE the change I want to see.
Speaking of that, at least one great thing came out of it: I'd like to give more positive strokes, express my appreciation more often. This helps people from feeling like they're never good enough, because they don't just hear the complaints, but the praise as well.
It's something Bruce tried to explain to me years ago, but it took being on the other end of it to really "get it".
Talked a lot with my grandma. Her days are great--filled with friends, church, music, lunches, games (mostly Uno and dominoes), exercise class, computer class, cancer support group--but her nights, I can tell how difficult they are... and she even came out and said how lonely they can be.
What a difference a sleeping body in the next room makes.
Speaking of which, she got asked on a date! Bad taste for asking so soon after my grandfather's death, but he did tell her that she's "a very attractive lady." How sweet. She told him she's too busy.
It's getting easier to hear her talk about family troubles, what with holding so much space at Heartwood. But still, people I've managed to excise from my universe still manage to reach me ever so dilutedly by their effects on her. And it's still tough to see hurt or anger in her eyes, especially over someone related to us. What do I mean, "especially"... as if she would ever give non-family so much power.
She informed me that she's not buying Xmas gifts this year. Right on. Hell, I'm driving mine. Attending mine. Storing a whole lot of stuff in mine. She does a lot for all of us. Now the question is, what can I do for her for Christmas?
What a question... she buys any material item she wants or needs. Maybe it's time to knit that shawl finally... although I doubt my ability to do it "well enough". The last thing I made her, a hat, doesn't really fit. And the bag I felted looks ridiculous. Perhaps one's grandma isn't the best person to be a knitting guinea pig, unless there's some real inborn talent manifesting itself.
So, any suggestions?
Posted by Josh A. at 11:52 PM | Comments (0)
breathe?
Time. Growl.
I gave my copy of Faster to Ste3ve, but maybe I need it back.
Or maybe I just need a copy of Power of Now.
time
I keep myself in this worried state
there's never enough time
I don't have enough time
how am I going to do all of this stuff (in time)?
when am I going to do all of this stuff?
what am I missing out on?
who will I disappoint?
how can I disappoint the least # of people?
this is one big reason I never want to get up in the morning:(
I need to slow down
I want to rela
relax
goddamnit
I want to be lighthearted
I want to use time, and not be a slave to it
I want to flow with life
That particular stream of consciousness brings cuss words to mind. Words like "Bitch." and "Fuck." One word sentences that fully encapsulate my most usual way of relating to time.
I slept until noon, and beat myself up for "wasting" all that morning time.
I rushed around to do "stuff" before going to pick up Des. I didn't get much done. Turns out I didn't feel much of an abundance of anything--time, money--other than worry.
Karim Rashid's Oh! Chair is indeed more comfortable than it looks... and still not worth $40 to me.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:30 AM | Comments (1)
September 27, 2004
Shiatsu infused
Today was productive. This morning I did my first session of break. Full supine position... well, I omitted some parts in order to keep it to the client's time frame. Got good ratings. I just hated to have to do it on the floor in the living room. No music, no aroma, no shiatsu mat even.
I looked for mats today. Damn they're expensive. Even the cheapest, non-organic mats are at least $100, more if you want a slipcover, which is a necessity considering the price of what's going inside it. I think this is the one I would most like: organic shiatsu mat from Blue Lotus Yoga.
When it got to be 'round hungry time, I was craving pho. I tracked down a place in the Richmond District on Clement St., wrote down the directions, and we went.
The food was fine. I'd probably search out a new restaurant and try their pho rather than going back. But the service was fast and friendly, and the price reasonable, as expected.
The higlight was that this was the easiest, smoothest car trip we've had in San Francisco! Not much traffic, zero one way streets, parking close by. Richmond is my new favorite area! Clement St. was something like a less urban Chinatown, full of fantastic little stores.
We went into a used bookstore, and I found four used books on Shiatsu. These should be most useful. One, 60 Second Shiatzu, is all about self-shiatsu techniques for specific issues, such as insomnia, digestion, menstrual pain/PMS, depression, colds & flus, upping your energy, etc.
Another, The Book of Shiatsu, is full of beautiful drawings and photos. It has interesting contrasts to our textbook, and I think all four will augment my studies well.
Tonight was laid back. We did have some excellent conversation on the future, and how we plan to handle some of the tasks that lay ahead of us. I'm confident that we'll navigate them successfully, especially if we continue to communicate about them effectively.
He's in bed, I'm still up. Blah. I wish sleep and wake came more easily to me. I've just about given up on my various tools... I've used hypnotherapy, EFT & TAT, cognitive techniques, good sleep hygiene (as best I can manage), affirmation.
I'd still like to have sleep observation done and get a prescription for light therapy, but I don't know when or where or how to do that, especially without health insurance.
And I still look for more tools. Polarity Therapy is probably next, with the sleep issue and all its attendant history being the focus of the session.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:00 PM | Comments (0)
September 26, 2004
Folsom St. Fair 2004
I sooo slept in. Very nice. Basic overview of the day: get up, get ready, get dressed, go to Folsom St. Fair, enjoy, come home, figure out dinner, watch movie, go to bed.
Choosing what to wear for Folsom St. wasn't the easiest. I haven't bought new gear in years. My interests have shifted (and enlarged), and my identity has evolved. Also, I was working with my normal hair and no haircut. (Obtaining a haircut the day before, let alone the day of, an event like this is not an easy prospect.)
When in doubt, dress down. Way down. Try boots, cowboy hat, and a jockstrap. Less is more. In this case, a lot more, as in "exposed flesh". Thank gods for spray-on sunscreen.
Getting to Folsom St. in a car is like an upper circle of hell... not the worst thing ever, but certainly not how you'd want to spend an afternoon or an afterlife. We thought we had it made, following Steve in his little Crossfire, his Costco membership in hand, my warning to be conscious of not losing me in his head.
So of course he ends up going through a yellow light, leaving me having to stop as it turns red. To his credit, he tried to pull over and wait for us, turning onto a side street, but the found that he had no room to turn around. I didn't see him turn down it, and we couldn't see him as we drove past, and thusly we were lost.
Eventually, we found public parking, gladly paid the vulture his $10, and trotted on down to the fair. Amazingly enough, we ran into Steve almost straightaway, not to mention several friends. Funny how that works. I couldn't find Mike or dave, though, and the crowd was too large to get pics at Mark I. Chester's. I was a bit disappointed, but not surprised. I kinda hate Folsom St. Fair.
FSF is large... huge even... too big. Too big to fit. Sad to say, but it's not that hard to reach my limit. And it'd be one thing if it were filled with sleazy naked folks. But a large percentage of the attendees are what some of us call "tourists"... people who may or may not even know what the fair's about just come to check things out.
It's also an excuse for some people to put on outfits that don't really belong anywhere at all... well, maybe Burning Man... and wear them on the streets of San Francisco. And what? Like anyone wants to be the person who decides what "counts", what's appropriate or not, as a fetish. Who am I to say that a blue bodysuit and yellow feathers isn't your "thing".
I can't exactly go up to a person and ask, "Does it turn you on to wear this? Would you have sex in this outfit? Oh, wearing this outfit IS sex for you? Great, ok, carry on." Or better/worse yet have to explain, "I'm sorry, this is a sexuality fair. This venue was not created simply so you could play dress up. Go to Mardi Gras. Bye now."
When we got home and tried to figure dinner out, Steve mentioned the word "barbeque". Mmm. Ordered from Big Nate's Barbeque, got our food delievered a little late, but really enjoyed it. Des and I had Memphis Pork sandwiches and Steve had pork ribs. The website is wrong, they don't have carrot pie anymore. The sweet potato pie they do have wasn't bad, though.
Honestly, it just made me miss Dinosaur and Beal St. I get a little down on myself, SF, and life when I find myself missing Rochester.
Rochester, stop it. Rochester, you are too cold in the winter. Rochester, I don't want to live in you. Rochester, you're too far from my family. Rochester, why do you have to be so close to other people I care about?
Posted by Josh A. at 07:32 PM | Comments (4)
September 25, 2004
Typical evening in SF
Well, had a nice drive to SF. Traffic didn't make me scratch my own eyes out. There was congestion in the usual places: Roseville, Fairfield, outside Vallejo, etc. For the first time, I took the "SF Only" lane on the left just before entering the city; I think it helped some, but not as much as a Search & Destroy front-mounted missile launcher would.
Des & I went to Shakespeare in the park... successfully rode the bus both ways... got honked at, along with the other pedestrians, in the crosswalk for no reason other than the drivers' impatience. Stopped in the middle of the road, turned, looked at then, then turned back and continued walking. Arrived at the park, spread our blankets, ate our food, gave up, went home. (Wet ground + cold wind + insufficient sound system = miserable confusion.)
We bought a bar of Dagoba (which doesn't seem to have a website) on my suggestion, and of course it was the worst ever. Who knew not to try that flavor? I assumed all their chocolates were at least fantastic, even if not necessarily all equally good.
Came home, kidnapped Steve, went for dessert. I quite enjoy Sweet Inspirations. I had a strawberry tart and COFFEE. After five weeks at Heartwood, it's a guilty pleasure
You know, tarts, with their pretty fruit toppings, are something I almost never order. I'm always afraid that I'm judging a book too positively by its cover, and that what's underneath that beautiful exterior will prove dry or tasteless or both. But not at Sweet Inspirations. Their tart filling was nummiful and happy making.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:32 PM | Comments (2)
September 24, 2004
Travelin'
I made it safely to Roseville! Yay.
Met Tod, he was very nice and enjoyable. The ride took longer than we expected, but
I think I need some organic quinoa and steamed kale now.
Picked up my car in Dixon, I'm so pleased to have it back. You can tell the brakes were replaced, they feel all weird. I really need to get an alignment done, though. Any mechanics in Northern California want to trade for bodywork? ;-)
So I was rehashing the obturator foramen issue with a friend, and I wanted to expand on this problem... mainly, I'm befuddled at humanity.
Kill each other savagely over little stretches of holy dirt smaller than the size of New Jersey? Yes. Have sexual intercourse with just about every type of animal on the farm? Sure. Enslave people with whatever rationalizations suit your culture just to profit? oK, oK.
But. WHO ever issued forth the sounds from their throat that, put together, sound like "obturator"? And decided "I should probably say this again."
Yick.
So tomorrow to San Francisco, Sunday is Folsom St. Fair, and then back to Sac Monday or Tuesday. Lots of stuff to do! I'm really quite happy about break, I needed it.
One of my intentions for this break is to rejuvenate, so that I can approach the second half of the program with the same level of enthusiasm I had at the beginning.
Any thoughts on how to do that? ;-)
Posted by Josh A. at 11:23 PM | Comments (0)
September 23, 2004
Yay midquarter break
Today was the last day of classes before mid-quarter break. I'm so pleased.
Shiatsu: got great feedback from working on our instructor. She said I felt grounded and very present, and she really liked my "own" techniques. Pretty much the main thing I'll be working on is body mechanics and integrating theory to my satisfaction.
Science: 96% of my test, yay. Today we palpated PSIS, coccyx, ichial tuberosity, and the pubic bone! That was amusing. I never knew where my pubic bone actually was. I've been completely misunderstanding what I've been looking at each time I've seen a drawing or model of the os coxa (hipbone/pelvis).
I've been social during meals today, eating outside with people rather than in the library. Partly because I don't have anything I "have" to get done soon, also because I want to take advantage of decent weather while we have it, and also because I wanted to spend more time with people before break.
Had some nice free time. Took notes from a book on massage private practice I've been reading, watched Nishkama paint, Watched half of Kill Bill 2. I didn't like it nearly as much as the first one. Par for the course, right?
Tomorrow, a friend of a friend of Des' will be picking me up, hopefully around 3pm. I think I can finish packing before then :)
Posted by Josh A. at 10:59 PM | Comments (1)
September 22, 2004
Say NO to spam
Leaving comments no longer shows your email address, so fear no spam... comment away.
Posted by Josh A. at 08:51 PM | Comments (0)
Calmer
So the session was a 45 minute swedish massage, legs, back, arms. It was just what I needed... he spent enough time setting the space, asked me if I had any intentions for the session, advised me to focus on my breath during the session in order to best serve that intention, and then continued to remind me throughout the work, when I was distracted, to come back to my breath.
And in just a few minutes, Conscious Communication Skills! I wait all week for CCS! Yay. And after that, PIZZA.
Posted by Josh A. at 03:49 PM | Comments (0)
Calming
So of course I slept way in. Ugh.
I got to breakfast in time to get half a grapefruit. Yeah, an organic non-GMO grapefruit, but I was still hungry all through Shiatsu.
The Shiatsu test was kind of nerve wracking. It's so WEIRD for me to be this person. But, I've hardly ever had to take non-written tests. There was a written portion, which was fine. One of the questions was, "Why are you here?", and there were inspirational quotes sprinkled in between some questions. One of the many things I love about Erica.
But after that, we drew cards that had either Erica or Kassy's name on them and a section of Shiatsu session to perform on them. We got 20 minutes each. NUTS. She said I did well, and was very present... that despite the fears and such screaming in my head: "Am I on the point? Oh my god I'm not on the point. Ahh!"
I finished the section before my time ran out, asked what to do, and was told to do more dispersal and tonifying. So I took a deep breath and began to work on her the way I really work outside of class, which is not exactly like what we've learned in class. I utilize reiki, breathwork, and point connecting intuitively... I think she was actually impressed, although while doing it I was thinking, "Is she wondering what the fuck I'm doing?"
Funny enough, I think that was more in line with what they were looking for out of this test: to experience our work. And it wasn't until that end that I broke from the form and worked from the heart.
This is exactly the kind of "testing" I think our public schools need to utilize. It was so nerve wracking because I'm not used to having to demonstrate what I know, as opposed to what I've managed to memorize temporarily.
I spent the rest of class coming down. Steve showed me a grounding and kidney breathing technique that rocks, and at the end of class we had a short meditation and were asked to walk on golden bubbles the rest of the day :-)
And now, in five minutes, I get my first session from an older student! I think it will be deep tissue, but I'm not really sure. More on that later!
Posted by Josh A. at 01:44 PM | Comments (0)
September 21, 2004
It hurts so good
Quite a few people seem to be misunderstanding my writing here, and I want to journal about it for a bit. They've highlighted for me some areas that need context or clarification.
First is, I've written about some pretty uncomfortable experiences here in the last four weeks. Some of them have even been painful. I understand that simply reading about these things can be uncomfortable or painful for the people who care about me.
But I'm sure you understand how important they are. The "rough times" here are like sandpaper... applied carefully and with intention, to smooth off my edges. Far from being something I want to get rid of any time soon, the "rough times" I describe in my journal are *why I'm here*. And that's why there's such tremendous support here for the process.
It's probably difficult to imagine... I don't think I could have conceptualized it before coming here. If I were in your shoes, I'd be reading this stuff and imaging myself going through it in my life wherever you are, with whatever kind of support system I'd managed to cobble together, and thinking, "Holy shit. I couldn't deal with that, not here, not now anyway."
But that's really the point. I'm here. Full time, residential, Heartwood. No job stress. Relatively little financial stress (that's being stored up for later!). Less interpersonal stress, in many ways. No hectic bustle of daily life in a non-community setting. I don't even have to cook or do dishes.
I'd seriously have to rely on more than weekly professional counseling if I were going through this in a context like non-students live in. But that's the great thing, there is a counselor here, and a whole lot of other resources, too.
If I could only document one aspect of my experience here, these important shifts and clearing works would be it.
I also understand that often our first reaction in such situations is to respond with "Oh I'm so sorry" or, later, "How are you doing with this, are you still having trouble with that?"
While I appreciate (and need) that the people in my life care about me and have concern for me, I need it to be channeled differently.
We all have shit, and it's usually pretty damned icky. So look at it this way: someone's just gone through this process of letting go, and now they're showing you whatever it was as they say goodbye to it... and your reaction is, "I'm so sorry"... that can keep them stuck, or distract them from the letting go. Why not, "I'm so glad you got that out of you!" I'd like to be affirmed... as Surya says, "Awesome shit, man!" We all have shit, and the elimination process is really quite marvelous.
Then you see them next week... they're busy digesting the latest meal, and feeling however they're feeling, and you ask "So how are you doing with that shit from last week?" Eh? Damn, I thought I was rid of that. Now someone's bringing it up, what was the issue again, oh yeah, ugh.
Help me let go of this stuff by not holding on to it yourself. :-) By the time I hear from someone, I'm either busy being happy, or dealing with a new issue. The sources of my discomfort have been continually shifting... as I clear what's in front of me, it makes room for new (often very old) stuff to come up. The best way to help with that is to be my friend, offer encouragement, affirmation, acknowledgement. I hope that you can share in the pure joy of all of this shit!
I hope no one is feeling offended or badly reading this, as that is not my intent. No one who's reacted in the ways above is "bad" or "wrong"... they simply act in one way, and I am requesting that they act in another. Albeit a way of being that is not, in my experience, common. But I'm finding it to be so much more conducive to health and happiness than the ways I originally learned.
Secondly!
Quite a few people wondered why I haven't included very much "personal" information in this journal.
I admit to being flabbergasted.
"Here I am," I thought, "baring my soul in public, and they're asking for 'personal'??? What can they mean?"
Turns out most of them wanted to know how my grandma's doing, other people in my life, when I'm comin' to Sac or SF or wherever.
Wow. oK then. I wouldn't really use the word "personal" to describe those things, hence my confusion. But I will try to include more of that.
Please understand, however, that I don't see anyone very often. I've been off the mountain twice so far, and one of those times turned into my own personal hell. That doesn't encourage me to leave and have other types of experiences to tell you about. It's pretty much this for the next 8 months ;-)
The people in my life who are wondered about... I admit to not having much contact with them. They have been so incredibly supportive in getting me here and continue to be supportive as I spend my time here. If you are really interested in how they're doing, then I really want to support you in contacting them directly. If you don't know how to get a hold of them, let me know and I'll get you in touch with them.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:57 PM | Comments (0)
Better than yesterday!
One thing I forgot to mention yesterday... I was sitting and talking with Liza, really talking to this particular person for the first time, and she basically reframed my entire existence... over lunch. What a Heartwood thing to do.
I mentioned that "messy. beautiful. blessed." has continued to bounce around in my head, and she began talking about how chaos is the state of nature so to speak, and I start relating that to the way in which our brains impose structure onto, and build patterns out of, the jumbly mess around and inside us... didn't take long to come up with seeing the process here as not one of making a mess or cleaning up old messes, but one of getting closer to the way things behave on a deeper level, of seeing things more honestly or congruently.
A "messy" mind, one that can effectively deal with mess, may provide better maps of our world and experiences than a more structured one.
Grr. As someone so interested in general semantics and chaos magick, I kicked myself and said, "I shoulda known..." ;-)
In Shiatsu talked about the Metal Element today, which corresponds with the Lungs and Large Intestine. Interesting acupoint: LI 20 is good for sinus headaches... it's just inferior and lateral to your nostrils. Basically if you "hold your nose" lightly (don't actually close your nostrils), then move down... right in that indent. Actually, stimulating all the way up the sides of the nose is good. And peppermint oil. Mmmmm. Uhh, don't rub it straight on your skin. Just smell it. :-)
The Emotion associated with Metal is Grief, and the Flavor associated with Metal is Pungent... so we talked about making foods with that are spicy and dispersing during times of grief... using things like cayenne, rosemary, thyme, ginger, chili, strong cheese, garlic.
From my notes: "Having the Metal element in balance doesn't prevent us from experiencing grief, but keeps us from getting stuck in it."
Steve, Janna, and I have also come up with a fun mnemonic to remember the meridians of the leg: Black Kats Like Slinky Sex Going Longer! Bladder, Kidney, Liver, Spleen, Stomach, Gallbladder, Large Intestine.
Those are the Zen Shiatsu meridians of course. I think it's LI that doesn't go down the leg in TCM.
The Musculoskeletal Anatomy test went fine. Covered the pectoral girdle and the limbs... bones, bony landmarks, joints, some notable attachment sites.
I still resent having to take the tests and wonder intensely what Soyka would do if she had complete freedom to teach and we had complete freedom to learn.
Today we learned another awful word: OBTURATOR... and it gets worse, it's paired with FORAMEN. So the "obturator foramen" is this disgusting hole in the os coxa, or in english: the hip bone.
BODIES!
In Tai Chi we talked about Pericardium 6. It's 3 units up the arm from the wrist (palmar side), in between the tendons. If you lay the four fingers (without the thumb) of one hand starting at your wrist, it's right about there.
So you can hold that point for a lot of things, including calming the mind, protecting your heart, etc. Use it next time you're stressed or upset.
I didn't want to go to Tai Chi at the beginning. My energy was all above my shoulders, and out three feet. I was singing Pink lyrics and hugging people. I joked about leading the class. "I know what we're gonna do. I could tell you bitches how to do it." And then I gave an example: "Ok, let's get started. Put you're damned hands on your sides." And I held my sides and kidney region, one hip jutting out, cynical look on my face. "Ok, now we're gonna rotate our waists... " (me performing the action all full of attitude) "nice, you like that don't ya? ...uh huh... and not just small or wherever you're comfortable, big circles... bigger... yeah I know you want it bigger, big circles, bigger, faster, unhh, unhh, come on that's it do it for Daddy."
My small audience was amused, and I still didn't want to go into the Temple.
I managed to get grounded once we started, had a great class, and then... immediately upon stepping out of the Temple, Pink was back in my head. I didn't really get anything accomplished with my hour, so I probably "should" have stayed for meditation, and then dinner was a mess. I couldn't even concentrate on my food.
Yes, I tried holding P6 :-P
My saving grace: Janna gave me an hour long session at 7:00. Full sitting, prone, and supine forms. It was sooo nice. At the end it was like all my energy had been brought back inside me, and I was tingly. I also felt very relaxed and back in myself. The evening has proceeded well since.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:43 PM | Comments (0)
September 20, 2004
The week begins fairly well
Mmm... yoga was sooo good. The air was chilly this morning, and we did breath of fire to warm up. I haven't been to yoga in a while, not since feeling like my energetic sensitivity has increased, and not since feeling like my posture and body mechanics have undergone noticeable improvement.
Afterward, I asked Sirena if there were any exercises she could recommend for helping with that, and she recommended Cobra, without using my arms. So I'll be modifying my morning routine a bit.
I really wanted a heart circle in Shiatsu, to share last night's process, and I didn't think I was going to get one, between Nutrition lecture with Paul and then the mid-term evaluation we were supposed to do after. But Surya didn't show up to facilitate the evals, so the instructor opted to have a heart circle for us to share our feelings on the class so far. So here I was getting a heart circle, but not the one I wanted.
Not only was it not the most appropriate forum for what I wanted to share, it quickly got emotional, and I knew talking about last night in that state would not have been pretty... especially when trying to accomplish something specific, like giving evaluation feedback.
So after class I went up to Erica and Kassy (instructor & TA) to turn in what homework I did have, and talk about it, and I just had to cry first. It is so nice to be able to do that here, and let it out, and be witnessed gently and supported, and then be affirmed for it.
What a role reversal I'm having. In public school I was always the student who got everything immediately, "that guy" in your class who always understood lecture or the homework and everyone knew it. I even got by not knowing some things because the teachers just assumed I did.
Here, I often feel like the worst student in the class. And while I doubt anyone else thinks that, especially given the feedback I received today, I wonder why and how my own self-image is so incongruent with what others seem to see.
We talked, clarified the current state of things, and figured out where to go next in order to satisfy the course requirements. Erica also said she felt that I am doing really well, and that she was surprised by the amount of work I turned in so quickly.
As I walked down to the Lodge with her, I mentioned that I don't like being the one who comes to them every other week in tears, and she immediately said back, "I think it's GREAT." We talked about the people who always seem happy can be very different by themselves, and what it's like to not be able to express what's going on inside ourselves.
Which reminds me: later Nishkama said something that I felt so wonderful hearing. She found me just before Tai Chi and said she had looked for me after Shiatsu to share something... during heart circle, I said something from my heart, and she just wanted to say how good I seem to be doing with that, that she can see my authenticity more and more.
I felt it during heart circle, so it was really nice to hear someone acknowledge it.
Deja vu :-)
I felt sooo off starting in Anatomy & Physiology... almost light headed, sinus headache, weirdness. It continued into Tai Chi... I couldn't stay for Meditation... I tried to study during that time, and it hurt my eyes. In fact, still, when I move my head up in certain ways it hurts my eyes.
Anyway, I went for a walk, ate an apple, did energy tune up... that helped for a while. Then dinner really helped. I ate it outside, instead of up in the library, and had a nice time talking with Steve, and then Jamie joined us. I don't see her enough, I feel.
This morning, over 75% of the students raised their hand to indicate they'd be attending study session tonight. Tonight, me and one other student showed up.
But, it worked out really well. It was nice getting so much personal time with Kassy. We talked about the 5 Elements and their associations, pulses, body mechanics, and off topic yet wonderful stuff... being in our own power, NLP, our backgrounds, etc.
Everyone here comes from amazing places... I learned that even I do: some people think it's amazing that a person raised by Fundamentalist Southern Baptists in a small Republican suburb ever found his way to Heartwood :-)
And! Perhaps the best news!
My phone got installed today!
Whooo. I can finally get online with my own computer on my own phone line on my own time.
Life is worth living again ;-)
Posted by Josh A. at 11:39 PM | Comments (2)
Quickie
Behind on entries as usual ;-) Things can be so difficult without a phone. But, only one more week. Break is next week, and within a few days after coming back, Verizon should have the blessed thing installed.
So, I'll probably post last night's and today's later on tonight.
Posted by Josh A. at 06:42 AM | Comments (0)
September 19, 2004
How (not) to Fail at Heartwood
Today was a day of work, but "not enough" work. Between science homework and all the extra practice sessions I had to do, I didn't get them all done.
I only did two last week, so I had to do the third I missed, an extra fourth to make up for the late, and then the three due tomorrow, plus a fourth to make up for the classes I missed.
So that's six. I managed to do four. Seeing how four in a weekend is "honors level", I could have been proud of myself, right? Or not.
I arrived at my room feeling really down for not completing it all, and needing to go to bed so I can get up tomorrow for class. I was trying to resign myself to simply not having completed it all, and I sat down and started to "move stuff."
It was really interesting... I developed a very freeform process in Rochester, and it's getting richer. When I'm alone and have time, I go back and forth between EFT and TAT as necessary, and journal it all out: Flow of issues (I like to be able to look back and see what memory triggered what), SUDS levels (subjective units of distress, the way I know if I'm making progress on clearing something), etc. Every once in a while I'll do a focus spiral as part of processing. Tonight, however, I wrote a poem.
It's so not fine literature. But it came from the heart, in the moment:
There is so much here abundance surrounds me around the abundant issues within methis writing black ball of disgusting worms
I don't want to call my ownand when I open and get close to
my process here at Heartwood I can feel
that I'm barely keeping my head
above waterand I've felt, I know
what it's like to drownat Cornell, I DROWNED
and then I sank further
and I don't know if I hit the sea floor
because I'm still alive
but I wonder how much of me died
and what can be salvagedI don't want to be a wreck
so I'm dredging my sea
bringing up the pieces
so that I can restore themI want you and I to see
not the broken pieces
but the person doing the work.
That was in the midst of dealing with feelings of "I can't keep my agreement (to do my sessions on time)", wanting the due dates to be Tuesdays instead of Mondays, feeling like I was having a difficult time even doing the minimum, and I want to excel, because practice on bodies is how we really learn this stuff. I said aloud, "I want to do as much as possible." and I could feel the place of lack it came from.
So what was stopping me?
I took the following down from 7's to 10's to 2's to 4's:
I'm afraid to ask people if they want sessions.
I'm afraid to give sessions.
I'm afraid to learn this stuff.
I'm afraid to succeed at this.
There's this wall in front of me.
I'm afraid to know myself.
I fear I appear not motivated.
I'm afraid I look bad to my teachers.
Undergirding some of this were two powerful experiences, one from 4th and the other from 5th grade; bringing the intensity of those memories down was essential to clearing many of the fears above.
Now, to get ready for bed... Yoga at 7am tomorrow.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:57 PM | Comments (2)
September 18, 2004
Jummy
Today was pretty low key. No real processing, insights, or realizations.
But, I did give my best session ever. :-) It flowed really nice, and I was able to break from the form and respond to what I was hearing in their body.
Lunch was like a picnic, tofu burger, cous cous with tomatoes, corn on the cob. Dinner was Indian. Jum.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:51 PM | Comments (0)
September 17, 2004
OOMPH and UNPH
The expansive feeling from last night carried over into the morning, although it took me a bit of time.
I sat down for breakfast, and I looked down at my plate and saw: a dollop of cottage cheese, with some sunflower seeds on top; a dollop of amaranth, with some toasted coconut shavings on top; and a small pile of cooked bitter greens.
And I thought, "I got out of bed for this?"
But by the time breakfast was over I was so glad I came, and after study group I was so glad I went to that as well. I was in my "I love people" place. I looked around and couldn't judge anyone. I could contain them all.
I got a session afterward, and it was really nice to receive the entire supine form all at once. Really helped me start to grasp the whole in my mind and body.
Lunch, I socialized, instead of up in the library reading or sitting at the computer. I realized something about salt... I've heard people wonder about sea salt vs "regular" salt, and I've wondered along with them in the past. "Both are just sodium chloride", right? But if you believe there is an energetic aspect to things, it's not hard to see that on an energetic level, natural sea salt can be worlds away from Morton's iodized.
That led to discussions of "is organic farming enough?" What would it be like to farm consciously, within held space? How much more energy would the resulting food have? If our mindbodies are temples, then food--and its production--are sacred. How and how much do we tend to honor that in America and the rest of the world, and how and how much do we tend to ignore, to "disrespect", it?
I'm a bit uncomfortable with the word "disrespect" because I think it usually carries some judgmental baggage, but in this case I simply mean it in the sense that failure to recognize the importance of something and act accordingly is to disrespect it.
The Study Skills workshop was fantastic. I want to work this weekend on integrating the ideas in my notes into my reality.
We discussed personal care: being gentle with ourselves, keeping our priorities clear and with us, emotional balance, tools to use, energy management.
We discussed choices: time management, personal study styles, making appointments (especially on weekends), and how to raise our energy.
Soyka had a great way of putting the fact that processing emotions during meal times is contrary to eating & digestion: "We can't STOMACH putting food in when all of this stuff [emotions, issues] is coming out."
And we discussed some specific tricks for dealing with science class: centering, focusing the busy mind syndrome, grounding and movement exercises; outlining new material, previewing the chapters before lecture; and extra things to try, like designing test questions, making the information our own by relating it to real life, and making it fun with silly analogies and mnemonics. The sillier the better :-)
I gave my first full supine session before dinner. I brought my speakers down; music so increases the quality of the ambiance in the treatment rooms. And I love Room 2; the lighting makes me happy.
My techniques need work. I'm not used to schoolwork that I don't do perfectly the first time. But, still, some things I did really well. And that's really nice. I'm looking forward to perfecting the rest.
Dinner was macrobiotic. Miso, adzuki beans & squash, brown rice, seaweed salad, beets, and more. It was the best adzuki the kitchen has made this quarter! Possibly the best miso, too.
I sat with some kitchen staff, and really enjoyed being able to ask questions about the food and talk about what we were eating with those who had prepared it. I was also able to plant the seed that pho would be a REALLY good and yummy idea :-) They won't serve rice noodles here, because they're made with white rice, but they got to thinking of substitutes.
Dessert! Tapioca pudding, with coconut milk and blueberries and other stuff. It tasted like roasted marshmallow and smelled like smores.
Tonight they made the best chamomile tea I've ever had. The teas here are so hit or miss. The rooibos (one of my favorite tisanes) they brew often underwhelms me... and then they take something like chamomile, which has never impressed me, and somehow make it wonderful. So aromatic and tasty.
As I walked back to the lower dorms, I had to stop and take photos. The lighting of the sunset and the incoming clouds moved me, and I wrote this:
Friday 9/17/04 ended 7:49pm
DEEP purple shade, stain, OOMPH and UNPH
dark dark silhouettes
pine trees -- three old men
against the graying sky
rise up, look out
as yang gives way to yin
and sheets of wet dirty cotton roll
in over the hills
moss still
grows up and down these branches
below, patches of green like unripe limes
barricades!
first farther lines of trees stuck in
the ground at odd angles
and closer manmade
funny barrels of wire jostling each other in line
CAUTION
the yellow tape says
I find deer shit in the field
I shat before I came out here
Oh there she is now
She sees me and ballets away
This is a yang poem and its inspiration
is quickly sinking behind the earth
sometimes yang gives way to yin
everything changes
and poems end
Posted by Josh A. at 11:14 PM | Comments (0)
Desires - Friday, September 17, 2004 3:44pm PST
- digital camera
- essential oils
- aromatherapy correspondence course
- to design a Heartwood calendar
- can't wait for Authentic Movement workshop
- to do my EFT workshop, and perhaps make it part of a series
- other weird workshops. like tattoo & piercing safety
- perhaps the community should be surveyed to ascertain its interests?
- other Heartwood "stuff" - bumper stickers, clothes, etc.
- to finish my client work
- time to do $ making design work
- ("if you're doing it for the $, it's probably not worth doing")
- empower that? or not?
- to know what my partner dreams of, what he would do and enjoy if he wasn't getting paid for it and didn't need the money
- to take Conscious Bookkeeping with him
- to take this Prosperity tele-class
- to enhance my journal, like with a guestbook, a meal log, and an intentions log
- a coloring orgy -- perhaps I can finish the rest of the quarter's coloring assignments in a week
- to clear 13 years of schooling in one quarter
- to come into my own as a healer
- collateral materials for massage trading (tips & barter, baby!)
- yoga clothes
- to see my Grandma
Posted by Josh A. at 03:44 PM | Comments (0)
September 16, 2004
Mmm... sandwich...
The day was like a "yuck" on "fantastic" sandwich.
Bread: I woke up pretty easily, ahead of time, and although I could have gone to yoga or something, I took the time for me. It was really nice, to catch up on emails, do some research, and some reading.
Shiatsu went well. I was able to talk to the instructor about making up my two missed classes and we found a solution that worked for both of us.
The highlight of class: during practice, she walked by and said, "Great body mechanics, Josh." Uhh come again? Me? Wow. I'm learning :-)
Nasty: My frustration with the technology situations here came to a frothy, irritated head. It wasn't even so much what's affecting me or how so much as not feeling heard on the matters.
Luckily, this was all right before my meeting with Surya, the student counselor.
Condiment: I managed to pack a lot into our time slot. I came to a new understanding with the situation here, a vantage point from which I think I can move into acceptance, positivity, and helpfulness. Sometimes the ways in which my head would like me to be helpful aren't the ways I can be truly helpful.
Reality: Institutions change slowly, especially when they are working on BIG change. Reality: People often get numb hearing about/thinking about the same problems every quarter when there's nothing they can do about it yet. Reality: Heartwood is in the position of maintaining a school that is like no other massage school, and yet still having to compete with other schools on price. Fact: You don't know the power of this place until you come here. Fact: Not everyone can afford to visit before enrolling.
This is all shifting. And I believe effective, productive containers for the students' voices to be heard are forthcoming. Co-creation isn't always the quickest process. :-)
Now I need to integrate all of that, ACCEPT, apply the principles of manifestation, come from a positive place, and find ways to BE the change I'd like to see.
I also reframed some feelings, from "Do I have boundary issues?" to "I'm learning." America doesn't teach its children to talk like this, and move like this, and touch like this. I'm learning a new language, and there's quite the learning curve for me. I'm working through what's left of 13+ years of schooling and 24 years of accumulated crap.
The last thing I did was mention my desire to hold a workshop here, and what a bottle that uncorked. More on that later.
Spice: Just before dinner, I had a brief encounter with the illusion of Insufficiency. A Polarity Intensive student needed a receiver, and the TA knew I am really interested in the modality... but I couldn't do it at the time he had available, and at first my mind raced: "Is it now or never? Man, how important is this to me? Maybe I should break the commitment? But I really don't know much about Polarity, can I ask them some questions first?" and before any of that had even gone by, someone else volunteered.
And I realized: there is abundance. There will be more time slots, more givers needed, and even new students at the next intensive. I can try Polarity Therapy at a time that works for both me and the giver.
Bread: I was so thankful that I kept my commitment and went to Deep Circle after dinner. I held more space tonight than I knew was possible. I felt energetically sensitive really for the first time. I stayed present, grounded, in relationship, and got real BIG... and when it was time for me to speak, I moved in a way that I have been working for; new,for me, and wonderful.
What I remember speaking about most is my desire to hold an EFT workshop here and all the shit that's been holding me back. Best expressed in questions like: Am I good enough? Will anyone come? Or worse, what if they do come and it goes horribly? Will they take me seriously? Do I take myself seriously?
Some things I came out with: it's ok to take myself seriously because I'm not taking myself seriously. I have something to share. And I'm learning (more of that!) And it's ok.
My expression flowed, in and out of joy and tears and self love and gratefulness. Physically, I moved with a sense of freedom. For perhaps the first time, I felt good about the crying parts, and didn't feel a need to hide them. I felt really good about the balance provided by other parts, other feelings and my expression of them.
I left feeling wired, HUGE. I went to the Lodge and enveloped everyone in it. I joined a group going down to the sauna & hot tub, and did several cycles of sweating and cold showers before bed. Really helped me bring all that energy back into myself.
Dessert: So much is changing so quickly.
I've never had internet connectivity so slow and personal processing so fast.
Although I've downgraded the former to copper wire, I've upgraded the latter to fiber optic.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:08 PM | Comments (0)
September 15, 2004
Still kinda off
Amazingly I rose at 5:30 without using snooze. I mainly didn't want to disturb my new roommate, Jamison.
Made up my missed Tai Chi class... it was really nice doing it in the morning. Paul spoke at length on one of his favorite subjects, drugs. Mostly about how they haven't really had any students here who used intoxicants and did well... specifically, that improved; rather, they tended to stay where they were at and not advance, even though they often thought they were growing. But I wonder, if there was a student who "used" "intoxicants", but kept it to themselves, and did improve... how Paul or anybody else would know. Maybe it's one of the secret Tai Chi Jedi tricks that one doesn't learn in first quarter tai chi.
He did talk about how pharmaceuticals toxify our livers and are therefore considered intoxicants, and that was interesting. But then he also talked about bars and how he gets "bored to tears" in them, which is something I can relate to sometimes, but some of his words sounded like he was saying bars aren't "spiritual", and I guess that depends on how broad your vision or definition is. No, I know the source of my discomfort: I think I was hearing (or projecting) Paul cross the line into judging, and not knowing how to relate to that as his student.
Shiatsu went well, despite having missed SEVEN hours of it. Making that up is going to require at least an hour of tutoring, or in bottom line terms, $25. Damn this car shit is expensive. I feel like there's some kind of lesson in abundance in it all, but I'm not quite sure what it is. It'd be clearer if I had a pattern, like everytime I got extra money in the bank my car broke down and the repairs "somehow" alway worked out to be exactly the extra. But this is just nuts.
The only thing I've been able to relate it to is having
looked at the intensives going on during break and deciding, "Well, I don't have $600 for that..." and now somehow I'm coming up with even more than that just for repairs and the aftermath of being stranded.
Conscious Communication was cancelled. I felt so irritated upon hearing that. I wait all week for CCS.
At least it's pizza night. In only five minutes... :-)
Posted by Josh A. at 05:32 PM | Comments (0)
September 14, 2004
Regrounding
I woke up around 11. I was so tired after 12 hours of traveling. The motel owner banged on my door 3 times to get me to leave. I've never stayed at a place that wouldn't give you at least an extra hour.
Went to the payphone, called the enrollment office, was asked to call back in half an hour. Went down the street, had a bagel and the best oj ever. Back to the payphone, ok maintenance is on a town run and where should they pick me up?
Charlene and James arrived less than three minutes later. I finished town run with them and got back to Heartwood just a little late for my second class.
Tai chi and Awareness went well. At dinner I made up the test I missed and talked about what I would need to do to make up lecture. Just some highlighting and an outline to turn in.
Tomorrow: Shiatsu. I wonder what I will need to do to make up two missed shiatsu classes. That's 7 hours missed. :-(
Posted by Josh A. at 08:26 PM | Comments (0)
September 13, 2004
I'm in my own personal hell
The trip started out so well. They towed my car, I left the apartment at 12:30pm, caught the muni and bart early, left Richmond on time, arrived at Martinez... California's Own Gateway to Hell.
I had an hour to kill and was hungry, so I wandered into the terminal. There was a little coffee/snack shop kind of thing, and I looked and I looked. Not one single item of food or drink (other than water) in it. All the cold beverages contained artificial sweeteners or corn syrup. Almost all of the food was processed and pre-packaged. I finally purchased the overpriced chinese chicken salad (which, admittedly, comes very close to counting as food) and opted to continue drinking my own water.
The bus driver was 40 minutes late, and yet still took a 30 minute dinner break later in the evening. Again I was hungry, and I ate at Burger King with everyone else. I felt awful, my stomach did not appreciate it.
Somewhere in Mendocino he was about to turn left when half the people all pointed and shouted, "Right! Turn right!"
The he drove past Garberville. One Garberville exit. Two Garberville exits. Bam. Some woman called out, "You just passed Garberville. JESUS CHRIST." As I was getting off the bus, someone was giving him directions back to 101.
So I was dropped off at my stop over TWO hours late. Of course my ride was not there. I called and was told a backup plan had been made and that someone on their way home from Eureka would be checking the stop for me at midnight.
At 12:30am I got a motel room. Cost: $48. Worth: $20. There wasn't even an alarm clock.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:32 PM | Comments (0)
September 12, 2004
Stranded
Well, I am stuck in San Francisco.
Auto shops aren't open on Sundays.
The buses to Garberville for the day left hours ago.
The people I'm with can't drive me to school; I don't know who I could call who could.
Life kinda sucks sometimes.
Posted by Josh A. at 04:36 PM | Comments (0)
September 11, 2004
On transformation
A friend was commenting on the amount of processing I'm doing at Heartwood, specifically how interesting it was to be working so much on myself at a school for learning to help, therapeutically, other people.
That, to me, is what Heartwood is all about.
I think that other helping professions, specifically counseling and psychotherapy, generally recognize the importance of having "done one's own work" before attempting to help people. I also think this same concept applies to massage therapy. Heartwood recognizes this, respecting and facilitating each individual's healing process.
We can speak of the "massage therapist-client relationship" in much the same way as any other therapist-client relationship. There can be projection, transference, dual relationships, boundary issues, etc. Massage therapy clients can have emotional releases on the table. Any of these have the potential to hook into an unresolved issue the MT is carrying around.
During orientation, a number of students expressed that one of the reasons they chose Heartwood is because they didn't want to learn how to "just rub bodies". I've been trying to think of a non-judgmental way to express that sentiment, but I do feel similarly.
Of course, I suspect that all MTs need to do at least some of this self-work, as one can encounter emotional releases in any setting... I was surprised to hear that they happen in day spas and such, but they do. So if one's intention is to do deeper healing work with clients, then the self-work becomes that much more important.
I wouldn't say my Heartwood process is like therapy, I would say that it is therapy... about one to three month's worth each week in fact. In Rochester I paid just over $200 a month for the services of an ego magickian. So that means that, three weeks into the program, I've experienced $600 to $1,800 worth of transformation at Heartwood. If this continues at the same rate, that will be $2,000 to $6,000 a quarter and $6,000 to $18,000 total that I can subtract from my tuition. I'm quite pleased with that.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:32 PM | Comments (0)
What do you mean "could be better"?
I've come to the conclusions that:
a) blogging is a skill
and
b) I have room for improvement
I've had a vague feeling at times, that I hadn't verbalized until tonight (upon reading Des' first journal entry), that some of my entries simply haven't done justice to the richness of that day. Important stuff gets left out, either because I forget (some of my days are pretty full lately) or just want to go to bed or plain don't know how to write about some of the more sublime experiences.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:27 PM | Comments (0)
September 10, 2004
Back to the outside world
Yay weekend. I slept in, went to lunch (beautiful mexican food!), packed, drove, arrived in SF.
101 was ridiculous in some parts, but I guess that's par for the course. I found a neat natural foods store somewhere in Mendocino County and bought Des some organic chocolate. With traffic, I only arrived in the city an hour late.
I found Des and Steve as starving as I was; we tried to go to Nirvana, didn't want to wait 15 minutes, and went to Luna up the street a bit. A bit more expensive, a bit less good, and a lot more LOUD (it was full of raucous queers)... that would be how I would describe Luna.
We ran into another Steve, with Ian on the way there... and afterward we went to Pilsner so Des could introduce me to some of his friends, and I already knew one of them... so that was amusing. Rick was there, drunk as a... really drunk creature.
Sleepy time soon, and we have to decide exactly what we're doing tomorrow.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:38 PM | Comments (0)
September 09, 2004
Sit up straight, young man!
I was able to avoid giving bodywork in Shiatsu yesterday by receiving first, and then we ran out of time. How perfect it turned out to be... I was much more confident with it today and actually did a good job with the techniques and some of the body mechanics.
Cassie helped correct my posture by actually putting her hands on my back and sacrum and guiding me into alignment. A light went on. "Ohhhh... so that's what alignment feels like." No one every did that for me before. When I was younger they would issue vagaries like, "Pull your shoulders back!" Huh? Turns out they really meant, "Push your sternum up and out." And no one ever showed me how tucking my tailbone automatically drops my shoulders.
So she could tell I was having some issue, and started to acknowledge what she thought it was, based on what I had said previously about the troubles I was having... and I realized, and communicated, that today it wasn't self-consciousness... it was consciousness of being cared for. Of having someone with the skills to actually help me take the time to do so. On an old issue that I had simply buried, given up on. Felt good, but also difficult to accept. "I really deserve this?" Yes.
I took my lunch up into the library, intending to work or be otherwise "productive"... and ended up reading Utne, first a cover story about time, schedules, and breaking free of their tyranny... and then other articles. I read until 5 minutes to Musculoskeletal Anatomy. It was really nice to relax for a while.
Musc. Anat. was fine. I scored high on the test, although I'm trying not to care about the score. (13+ years of schooling don't go away that fast, though!) I'm trying to focus on the things I'm not so good at, which happen to be the really important things: palpation, location, identification. Seeing with my hands and fingers. Feeling rather than thinking.
It's tough, but every time we palpate in class I learn something, and Soyka spent a few minutes with me today being very helpful... she also suggested reido before palpating, as it's the method she uses to bring her awareness out of her head and into her hands.
Tonight was the first "deep" heart circle, held in the Temple. There were only four students + the facilitator... powerful. I brought something to talk about, but when I started to take my turn, I wasn't feeling it. So I started to describe the experiences, the weird psuedo-depression I talked about yesterday, and my deep recognition I felt at the end of the first Playtime that I carry all my baggage with me everywhere I go... and soon I was feeling it.
I didn't run to this place, I wasn't trying to run from anything. But it turns out there was still part of me that wishes that none of it would follow. That by coming here I could have left some of it behind. "Why are you still here? GO AWAY!" They color my hope, for what value does the future hold if it contains this manner of relating to them?
I spoke of them as if they weren't MY issues, weren't any part of me, but some sort of Other. Intellectually I know that refusing to own them, accept them, and even love them more or less sentences me to continue walking with them. Unable to claim them, I cannot change them.
When I was invited to express love for these parts of me, I railed against it. And in that space, I couldn't think of a single part of me that I did love.
Now that I have a better handle on this, having expressed it, I will be able to move through it quickly... as quickly as I can actually find time and energy to apply some tools to it. Unfortunately, I'm currently experiencing Heartwood as sapping both of those resources to the point of imbalance.
Hopefully the weekend will help.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:18 PM | Comments (1)
September 08, 2004
Waiting for this to pass
What a day. I got to sleep later than I would have liked, so I missed yoga and almost breakfast. It really colored a lot of my day.
Speaking of the day, it was Water Element day in Shiatsu... everyone dressed in blues and grays, it was fun that everyone participated. Also had circle time, which I used as a bitchfest:
Today I found out that it looks like I might not have a phone line until as late as October 7th. I'm really unhappy about that. Verizon is having to lay new cable. Why the school didn't have phone lines put in ages ago really escapes me. Anti-technology sentiment? Get with it. We all exist in relation to the rest of the world... I wouldn't even be here were it not for technology. We depended on phones, faxes, and email for both the application and the financial aid processes.
So yeah, I'm kind of feeling really unsupported by aspects of the community. While I know some people won't even be ordering phone lines, and some want them merely for convenience, I need one in order to work, to maintain consistent contact with my business partner, and access the internet with my own computer and specialized software, not a crippled public terminal.
And I have to say, processing my relationships as we deal with my being away at school is not something I can really fit to a public phone located outside, interestingly enough, the "quiet zone" dorms, or 15 minute time slots at a Lodge payphone. That stuff is important, too. It's not just "convenience".
Wednesdays are easy days. Plenty of time between Shiatsu and Conscious Communication. No movement or meditation. No science. And.... PIZZA? Usually, yes. Not tonight. Accident! The kitchen found they didn't have enough ingredients for pizza. Maybe they'll do pizza tomorrow?
I've had an odd pattern coming up for me... I was invited to go swimming after dinner, and I said yes, and wanted to... and then didn't. On my way up to the store I passed the Temple, and thought, "It would be so awesome to stop in the Temple for a bit." But I was still walking, so I even stopped... and looked at the Temple, considering it. And then I kept walking.
Weird. I'm not sure how to describe it, or what it's about, but it feels almost depressed.
CCS was good as usual. The subject matter really turns me on of course. Communication, counseling, awareness, interaction. I notice some students seem really into it and others seem really bored. I feel for them... I imagine what it would be like to "have to take 20 hours of this stuff" when it wasn't really the right time for me to be doing that "stuff".
Surya is the student counselor here, and Surya's Playtime is a weekly "workshop" (for lack of a better word... "playshop"?) she holds on Wednesday nights. I've gone every night so far... it's not right for everybody all the time, but it's really important to me right now.
Every time I go, it brings issues to the surface. And the issues I work with at Playtime are often connected to, and sometimes the exact same as, the body issues I and some other students are dealing with in Shiatsu. The first time it was so hard remembering how to play, and I only succeeded because I had read John Holt so recently. And it was difficult finding comfort in my body. In between the second and tonight's, I did the first Movement Magic "playshop", and that really helped... the safe space the facilitator created plus the structure provided by the "exercises" we did really opened me up. So each Playtime I've felt freer and more expressive, but tonight's was markedly progressed.
Tonight's first issue actually had a voice. I heard it say, "It's wrong to enjoy your body." And I answered back! I danced through it and declared, "NO. It's RIGHT to enjoy my body." To enjoy moving, moving in my body.
And then, issues of ego, and awareness of others, of energy. I don't want to say much on this, other than that sometimes I feel REALLY "insensitive". I know the word has some specific negative connotations, but I invite you to ignore all of that and consider the denotation. I've channeled so much energy into my eyes, as a visual learner and as a graphic designer. Now I'm asking myself to learn to sense things, usually very subtle things, with other parts of my body and being. And my inadequacies are being thrown into high relief at times.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:37 PM | Comments (0)
September 07, 2004
The rest of the story
Our first Anatomy "Learning Experience" (read: test) went fine for me. Some students did have a difficult time with it. If the entire thing could have been based on skeleton models, I know some particular students would have been fine. But most of it has to be written.
I blame the National Certification Exam.
I refuse to link to them. If you don't know what it is, rest assured that you probably don't really need or want to know.
At lunch we were discussing how standardized testing affects public school teachers, and I brought up the fact that we're experiencing some of that here. Soyka is an amazing science teacher. What else would she be having us spend time on if she didn't have to devote at least some time helping us learn how to take the National Exam? What wonderful learning experiences are we missing out on due to the power that the NCBTMB has gained over the industry?
Being good at, or learning skills for, passing written tests will help a massage therapist at exactly one point in his career: taking the NCE, if so required.
Here in California, we're not required. So I have no intention of giving the NCBTMB my money, or letting them count my body in their statistics. When state licensure becomes a reality in California, it is my desire that the requirements for such licensure will remain under the control of the California voters, where they belong, and not an unaccountable private group.
Tai Chi & Awareness went well. Everything about meditation was easier for me. And during a partner exercise I finally experienced, to some degree, the dynamic nature of yin and yang... the always changing unmoving unity of it all.
"Nice," as Paul would say.
There was sushi at dinner! And tom yum tofu. And yams! Delicious french fried yamuful goodness. I could eat a whole plate.
Tonight: trade sessions, shower, make sure I'm ready for tomorrow, and sleeeeep.
Posted by Josh A. at 07:14 PM | Comments (0)
messy beautiful blessed
messy. beautiful. blessed.
Yes.
I felt it at all levels after Shiatsu. I am messy, beautiful, and blessed. Place. Process. People. The world is messy, beautiful, and blessed. The Universe adores us.
After spending only a preliminary amount of time processing and letting go of old patterns of learning, test taking, schooling... there was enough space for older issues to come to the surface.
I am at my edge of discomfort here. This is how I know I am in the right place at the right time.
In high school I started working on my body image. I did a lot to become comfortable with the way bodies look, both my own and other people's.
I never did any work on being comfortable with the way my body moves.
Sitting form was fine, but beginning the supine form today brought up issues of body mechanics, self-care and comfort, and self-consciousness. Old, old feelings rose up. I had to go to the bathroom, cry, regain composure with TAT. After class I spoke with the teacher and the TA to let them know where I was at, and that if I seem weird, this is why.
Posted by Josh A. at 01:31 PM | Comments (0)
September 06, 2004
Monday, bloody Monday
Yoga went well today. It felt really good despite my lack of sleep last night.
Nutrition was cool... we talked more about Sattva, and a little about Tamas and Rajas. Paul answered some good questions, including mine about coconut oil... he said that while the science appeared good, clinically he's never had a client do well with coconut oil. And since I've not seen anyone extolling coconut oil except coconut oil manufacturers, I think I'll skip it. He recommended high oleic safflower or sunflower oil instead.
We started on our Prone form in Shiatsu today... mmm sacrum stretches. I'm continually excited by the class, and looking forward to be able to flow from my center while giving treatments. We have to spend a lot of session time in our head while learning the techniques and the theory.
During lunch I went to the Wellness Center and had a chat with Erica about how well the teaching here is going. The founder's vision was to create a school where each person's individual learning style and process are honored, and no one is shamed or otherwise degraded. (13 years of public school here, I can definitely relate.)
Anyway, generally I think they do a great job. I'm hoping to really absorb the science this time around (seriously, I've learned some of this stuff, like cell division, at least three times in my life and I can't remember it.)
(I like ending paragraphs with parentheticals.)
Every Tai Chi we do almost the same things, but Paul always says different things, and we gradually get more information about what we're doing. Today he talked about how some of what we did is really good for diabetics and others with blood sugar issues. I wonder what would happen if a health insurance company started covering quality tai chi classes 100% for their subscribers. Would it pay for itself several times over? I suspect so, if done correctly.
In Awareness, Paul touched on something that I resonated with: here in the West, bowing is difficult for us psychologically. And it's not something many of us do often. But, he brought up two really good ideas... one, that each of us is worthy of receiving bows because we all have the Divine in us (I would go a step further and say that each of us Are the Divine), and two, that prostrating with intention is like bringing our intention down from the Heavens and into the Earth... a mini manifestation ritual. Note, that's a mini-ritual for manifestation, not a ritual for mini-manifestation. Let's think BEEEEEEG. Supposedly it's just as easy to manifest something large as something small.
That reminds me of Ste3ve. I think about Ste3ve more often in certain situations... like when coconut oil came up, or whenever we talk about grounding/centering and I remember him saying he never really knew what that meant. I think I'm coming to enough experiential understanding to explain it sometime.
Dinner was Indian food. Mmm. As excited as I was, and as good as it was, it really made me want Shalimar. I'd trade some nubile young beings of your choice for some onion naan.
Posted by Josh A. at 07:11 PM | Comments (0)
September 05, 2004
For-AY-men
It's interesting to watch myself "sacrificing" social time to devote to other things, specifically meditative studying. It's been rather nice, however, to spend mealtimes in the library.
Balance, though. While in the workplace the word "socializing" often carries negative connotations, I think our personal connections here are integral to the transformative experience. The space for transformation is held not only by our teachers and the staff, but by the other students as well. Our friends are resources for support, verbal processing, witnessing, listening, and who knows what else.
Anyway, I've been approaching the coloring book as part meditation, part play... and unempowering some old study patterns, such as attaching to pace of work and "trying" to memorize rather than opening to absorption.
Sometimes I'll listen to music, and lyrics become much more amusing...
He looks around, around
He sees sphenoids in the architecture
Spinning in infinity
He says Amen! and Hallelujah!
If you'll be my sphenoid bone
I can be your craaaneeeuummm
I can call you sphenoid
And sphenoid when you call me
You're in the craaaaneeeummm
Ahh yes. My biggest return to geekdom since sixth grade, when I was too old to be taking apart calculators for fun and yet still doing it.
I'm thinking every child should have an Anatomy Coloring Book. Know Thyself.
Speaking of which, I'm having issues with that. Like foramens. First there's the word: "furrrr-aaaayyyy-mennnn". EWW!
But then it gets attached to its meaning: a hole in the bone that THINGS go through? Like blood vessels and nerves? And there are TWO on my anterior mandible, just lateral of the median? That is NASTY. I can put my fingers over them. And I can't cope.
Let's not talk about the foramen magnum. MAAAAGNUUUUM. Magnum is latin for "Even Worse".
In the middle of it all I said, "I don't know that I want to know myself this well."
Well then.
Anyway, I'm getting over it. Maybe if I had had an Anatomy Coloring Book when I was little, I wouldn't have these problems.
I wish my Grandpa were still alive. I don't know why that came up while coloring, but it did.
I talk to the air and that has to suffice.
Posted by Josh A. at 07:37 PM | Comments (1)
Got 2, Gave 1
Today is all about finishing up sessions. I have one more to give, and in the meantime... the title gives you the gist of things.
The AHA sessions only take half an hour... whereas ours, with all the extra things we have to do, are taking an hour or more... at least, when I do them to my satisfaction. I don't like doing sessions with the attitude of "Ok, we all know what each other are doing, let's just get it done." I want to treat each person as if I've never met them before, and practice the professional details. I suppose there can be a balance. Not every session has to be done like that. And then there would be more time to give extra attention to some portions.
Like the yu points... really paying attention to locating, assessing, and then tonifing or dispersing as needed. Yes, perhaps that is more important. I also want to spend some more time doing some pulse assessment experiments. Today's was better... with my cold almost 100% gone, I feel better able to listen. But I want to try assessing energetically, without actual physical contact, and compare my results to someone else's done with the method we were taught in class.
Posted by Josh A. at 06:23 PM | Comments (0)
September 04, 2004
Relaxing
I'm so pleased with being here for a normal weekend. Saturday has been so quiet and relaxing.
I slept in until 11, giving my body as much sleep as it needed... feeling mostly over my cold.
It's been so quiet, most people are in Garberville or Arcata.
Lunch was amazing -- mexican food, beautiful salsa and black beans and tomatoes and cilantro and tortillas and such.
And I finally got this weblog set up and the old journalings entered. Now, to get some pictures up so you can see how beautiful (and crazy) this place is.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:15 PM | Comments (1)
September 03, 2004
Relating to school
Great talks lately. Wednesday with Amy regarding path... yesterday with Jamie regarding old patterns of approaching school and how to release them and take on new ones... last night with Lisa about LOTS of things.
Today Soyka reminded me to celebrate my victories. I was downplaying the shift represented by my showing up to study group, and she emphasized that I had changed, and that it was a big step (which I interpreted as "non-trivial", "important").
Old pattern: wouldn't have come to study group. Why? Because it was in the morning (yuck) and I don't need it to pass the test.
New pattern: I came to study group. Why? Because I need it to really absorb this information and make it mine. And it was great. Flashcards. Actions (circumduction, supination etc). Skeleton models. Palpating people's spines. Labeling each other with markers.
Received and gave my first full shiatsu session today. Mmmm. I'm so impressed to be done with the second week and already knowing enough to fill a 45-60 minute session. I am so about the tips and barter come break time!
Posted by Josh A. at 03:19 PM | Comments (0)
September 02, 2004
Clothing labels
Yay last day of class. In some sense I feel so owned. When I see a little tag on the outside of clothing, I am comforted. When an item has no label or marking at all, I want to reject it. It's free floating, and I can't place it. It's not named, marked, or branded... a logo is the anchor for a thin thread connecting every piece back to its home, orientating it within an n-dimensional space.
Where do I locate you along the cachet axis? The corporate/grassroots axis? The cool/uncool axis? The subculture axes?
And in another sense I feel really right. Of course I would put my name on my creations. I would want to create a narrative around them. We're just so used to narratives that exploit us and our desires, or elevate things which don't serve us, or elevate inauthentically... co-opt things that do serve us (or things we think serve us) solely to sell.
I can conceive of a narrative in which lack of tags IS the message, or part of it. But I don't/won't feel wrong if my reception of that message is one of disinterest. I just want to get out of the judging, comparing, looking down on thing.
How would a company be received if their first goal was something other than making $? "Our purpose is to ______" rather than "Our purpose is to generate profit for our shareholders."
Posted by Josh A. at 01:24 PM | Comments (2)
September 01, 2004
Happy no pants night
Pizza night again! And happy no pants night, or so I was told, but I think they were making it up.
I slept sooo long. 9:30pm to 5:30am. Reset. 7:00. Reset. 8:00. Snooze. Finally wake up. No yoga. No breakfast. So pleased. :-)
But I am feeling betterish today. Coughing rather than dripping. Fantastic teas today. Peppermint rosehips and lemon lime hibiscus.
We finished our sitting form in Shiatsu, and got this neat handout on maintaining immunity.
Wednesdays are so nice. Only two classes. One of which is CCS! Pizza for dinner! Time to read. I read ahead in anatomy, started on the EFT Manual, chatted with Jamie, etc.
Wondering about Des and I, and what we will co-create over the next couple years.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:09 PM | Comments (0)