September 19, 2004
How (not) to Fail at Heartwood
Today was a day of work, but "not enough" work. Between science homework and all the extra practice sessions I had to do, I didn't get them all done.
I only did two last week, so I had to do the third I missed, an extra fourth to make up for the late, and then the three due tomorrow, plus a fourth to make up for the classes I missed.
So that's six. I managed to do four. Seeing how four in a weekend is "honors level", I could have been proud of myself, right? Or not.
I arrived at my room feeling really down for not completing it all, and needing to go to bed so I can get up tomorrow for class. I was trying to resign myself to simply not having completed it all, and I sat down and started to "move stuff."
It was really interesting... I developed a very freeform process in Rochester, and it's getting richer. When I'm alone and have time, I go back and forth between EFT and TAT as necessary, and journal it all out: Flow of issues (I like to be able to look back and see what memory triggered what), SUDS levels (subjective units of distress, the way I know if I'm making progress on clearing something), etc. Every once in a while I'll do a focus spiral as part of processing. Tonight, however, I wrote a poem.
It's so not fine literature. But it came from the heart, in the moment:
There is so much here abundance surrounds me around the abundant issues within methis writing black ball of disgusting worms
I don't want to call my ownand when I open and get close to
my process here at Heartwood I can feel
that I'm barely keeping my head
above waterand I've felt, I know
what it's like to drownat Cornell, I DROWNED
and then I sank further
and I don't know if I hit the sea floor
because I'm still alive
but I wonder how much of me died
and what can be salvagedI don't want to be a wreck
so I'm dredging my sea
bringing up the pieces
so that I can restore themI want you and I to see
not the broken pieces
but the person doing the work.
That was in the midst of dealing with feelings of "I can't keep my agreement (to do my sessions on time)", wanting the due dates to be Tuesdays instead of Mondays, feeling like I was having a difficult time even doing the minimum, and I want to excel, because practice on bodies is how we really learn this stuff. I said aloud, "I want to do as much as possible." and I could feel the place of lack it came from.
So what was stopping me?
I took the following down from 7's to 10's to 2's to 4's:
I'm afraid to ask people if they want sessions.
I'm afraid to give sessions.
I'm afraid to learn this stuff.
I'm afraid to succeed at this.
There's this wall in front of me.
I'm afraid to know myself.
I fear I appear not motivated.
I'm afraid I look bad to my teachers.
Undergirding some of this were two powerful experiences, one from 4th and the other from 5th grade; bringing the intensity of those memories down was essential to clearing many of the fears above.
Now, to get ready for bed... Yoga at 7am tomorrow.
Posted by Josh A. at September 19, 2004 09:57 PM
Comments
it's nice being able to read your diary Josh and develop more of an idea about who you are, and your journey. I particularly liked the breakfast you described:
"I sat down for breakfast, and I looked down at my plate and saw: a dollop of cottage cheese, with some sunflower seeds on top; a dollop of amaranth, with some toasted coconut shavings on top; and a small pile of cooked bitter greens."
It's been so long since I've been able to have such wonderful food -- the time we were both in New York in fact, when I had lunch at Spring St Natural, Despina's allergies and just what's generally available in this city preventing us from being able to excite our taste buds in that way.
I guess my overall feeling about what you're presenting to the world is that you're a younger man than I, you're newer in the world and trying to get as much of it as you can, while I'm older and trying to be rid of as much as possible, to renouce the things I thought defined me: my business, possessions, the car I drove, the attitudes I held and just be, here, right now in the moment, noticing what arises and letting go of it. It's such joy.
So do please carry on with your diary (blog), I'll carry on reading it and will appreciate the occasional email when you feel there's something I should check out.
Posted by: Ramsey at September 21, 2004 11:34 AM
Josh - Just read yesterdays entry and getting to todays. I just want you to know that I am proud of you for what you have done. You have taken a chance on something unsure and without taking chances we can never get what we want out of life. The worse that happens is we learn from it.
One thing I do in many situations is pretend Im that person who isnt afraid. I often do it to over come shyness and if we do it enough it becomes second nature. Perhaps pretending to be someone else can help us find out who we are.
I love you and want you to know how much I support you in this. I think only great things will come of it.
On to todays entry :-)
Posted by: Des at September 21, 2004 08:01 PM