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August 25, 2004
Spoke from my heart
I spoke from my heart in Conscious Communication today. I spoke about how moved I was by someone else's words, and how feeling so emotional normally shuts me down. After class, when I realized what I had done, I was elated.
Fast forward to Surya's play time... at the end during circle I felt like I did something "wrong" and then I didn't know what was expected of me... and I shut down. I wanted to leave. I felt trapped. I couldn't ask for what I needed to know, and when I asked, I didn't feel clearer from the "answers".
I stayed. And eventually it came out: I brought it ALL here with me. When I owned what was going on it hit me how EVERYTHING I've held on to follows me everywhere I go. I was inclined to set the intention to clear it all up *within 9 months*. Can I clear up 24 years in 9 months? Can it happen?
Why not?
I want it in the sense that I feel like I lack it.
During play -- which was hard to remember how to do -- I was often metaphorical to the point of linearity and almost literalness. I felt very kinesthetically uncreative. I put down much of my expression. And connecting it to something Steve said... that I often seem to trivialize what I do in my head... I think I may not express well where I am... or want to be... coming from. And maybe I do hold a lot of judgments about things -- that come easily to me -- that other people value, and even sometimes (often?) envy.
And I realized that at least part of the problem I have in speaking from my heart is that I have a whole LOT of judgements surrounding verbal expression and what's "good" and what's not. Prime examples include fluidity (few unintentional pauses or umms), diverse word choice, and mostly: composure. Simply enough, I suspect the FEAR OF losing composure and/or violating other judgments CAUSES loss of composure, fluidity, etc.
Breakthrough! Because, you know, we don't have any tools to remove fears and old judgments. ;-)
Yesterday I was described as "reserved", and I didn't know what that meant until play time. Unreserved = put yourself out there fearlessly.
The first two tai chi classes brought up a lot of emotional energy for me, and I held back my tears. I'm hoping to be able to express it in class on Monday. Open up the space, empower it.
Shiatsu rocked. We finally started DOING bodywork. I worked with Sarah and Macska. 24 points on the back, and some stretches.
After lunch, study time. I was attached to finishing it all. That ruined the whole thing. Gotta study more freely. Yummy Assam Extra Fancy, though. Couldn't get the library computer to print, hated life.
I talked to the guy who was supposed to be my roommate, and he's leaving. Looks like I'll be alone for this quarter.
PIZZA night. It ROCKED. Delicious. I don't really like regular pizza, so I was prepared for the pizza here to be even less appealing... and it was SO. MUCH. BETTER.
Posted by Josh A. at August 25, 2004 10:30 PM