August 31, 2004
Sickly
Mercury's almost out of retrograde. Yay.
I'm sick; my cold is in full swing. :( Skipping Awareness today.
In tai chi, Paul talked about treating depression and anger with diet and exercise. Eggs, tahini, peanut butter, saturated fats (butter and cheese) all affect Liver, which affects anger/sadness issues. Stretching, walking, moving loosens tendons, which are all connected to the liver. By doing the earthly and the spiritual practices, the emotions take care of themselves and balance.
Anatomy went better than I thought -- quick and fun. We felt bony landmarks, mostly in the cranial region. And Soyka gave me a few drops of essential oil on one of my kleenexes -- to help my headache -- which I've been living off of. I feel like a druggie, always inhaling another hit.
I went to the store to get a stamp and mail my card... and I'm feeling like shit until I realize: at Cornell... I couldn't even get stamps while feeling great. I had such helplessness there... so taking care of things while feeling poorly actually cheered me up.
I think things are smoothing out already. Time, being on time, fitting things in. I wonder about the weekend, though. Will I stay? Will I go?
The kitchen made an awesome "coffee" tea tonight, roasted dandelion, chicory, cinnamon. They're calling it turkish but it's more like a french roast.
I got kT's thoughtful gift. Some loose leaf herbal tea, two tea infusers, and a funny postcard.
Shiatsu was great. Herbal and nutrition info first, then we learned the technique for cupping. Cassie did some extra points on me to help my cold. I've felt like they're taking good care of us, particularly the sickies (Kala and I). Points, extra cup time, essential oils, etc. Good stuff, because I do not suffer stoicly> :)
It felt soooo good to sleep through breakfast today. So glad I didn't have yoga at 7. Tonight: euclyptus sauna. That should get me feeling good for tomorrow's yoga.
Posted by Josh A. at 09:06 PM | Comments (0)
August 30, 2004
Back to school
The weekend was good. My car's starting issue was irritating.
Spending time with Des, processing some stuff, great. Good food. Saw Steve & Calvin. Saw Spiderman 2. Met Paul. Enjoyed driving.
Still have lots of B.S. to deal with. PHONE. INSURANCE. LOANS STILL. But, one cow patty at a time.
Posted by Josh A. at 08:15 PM | Comments (1)
August 26, 2004
BODIES!
I just realized that learning about my body is a very "new feeling" process to me. Obviously I learned something(s) about it once. But now there is a relearning as well as a learning of new things, new ways of moving and being. And the prospect is very scary. Realizing what's in front of me, I can feel a small pressure to turn around and run. To get as far away as fast as I can and stay "safe" in what I already known, even though it's been so painful and even dysfunctional at times.
My body scares me. Other people's bodies scare me.
Posted by Josh A. at 04:40 PM | Comments (0)
Wakin' up
o/` Christ, I'm out of my mind. I need to be loved. o/`
After energy tune-up I feel "not asleep"... and then after showering, I feel AWAKE. But a) Why am I such a mess in the first part of the transition, b) Why do I need these things to get up? and c) What can I do to make it easier?
Of course, without culture, weird expectations, I a) would sleep as long as I needed, and b) Not been up so late anyway. Artificial light and heat!
How do I find flow and balance?
Posted by Josh A. at 07:20 AM | Comments (0)
August 25, 2004
Spoke from my heart
I spoke from my heart in Conscious Communication today. I spoke about how moved I was by someone else's words, and how feeling so emotional normally shuts me down. After class, when I realized what I had done, I was elated.
Fast forward to Surya's play time... at the end during circle I felt like I did something "wrong" and then I didn't know what was expected of me... and I shut down. I wanted to leave. I felt trapped. I couldn't ask for what I needed to know, and when I asked, I didn't feel clearer from the "answers".
I stayed. And eventually it came out: I brought it ALL here with me. When I owned what was going on it hit me how EVERYTHING I've held on to follows me everywhere I go. I was inclined to set the intention to clear it all up *within 9 months*. Can I clear up 24 years in 9 months? Can it happen?
Why not?
I want it in the sense that I feel like I lack it.
During play -- which was hard to remember how to do -- I was often metaphorical to the point of linearity and almost literalness. I felt very kinesthetically uncreative. I put down much of my expression. And connecting it to something Steve said... that I often seem to trivialize what I do in my head... I think I may not express well where I am... or want to be... coming from. And maybe I do hold a lot of judgments about things -- that come easily to me -- that other people value, and even sometimes (often?) envy.
And I realized that at least part of the problem I have in speaking from my heart is that I have a whole LOT of judgements surrounding verbal expression and what's "good" and what's not. Prime examples include fluidity (few unintentional pauses or umms), diverse word choice, and mostly: composure. Simply enough, I suspect the FEAR OF losing composure and/or violating other judgments CAUSES loss of composure, fluidity, etc.
Breakthrough! Because, you know, we don't have any tools to remove fears and old judgments. ;-)
Yesterday I was described as "reserved", and I didn't know what that meant until play time. Unreserved = put yourself out there fearlessly.
The first two tai chi classes brought up a lot of emotional energy for me, and I held back my tears. I'm hoping to be able to express it in class on Monday. Open up the space, empower it.
Shiatsu rocked. We finally started DOING bodywork. I worked with Sarah and Macska. 24 points on the back, and some stretches.
After lunch, study time. I was attached to finishing it all. That ruined the whole thing. Gotta study more freely. Yummy Assam Extra Fancy, though. Couldn't get the library computer to print, hated life.
I talked to the guy who was supposed to be my roommate, and he's leaving. Looks like I'll be alone for this quarter.
PIZZA night. It ROCKED. Delicious. I don't really like regular pizza, so I was prepared for the pizza here to be even less appealing... and it was SO. MUCH. BETTER.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:30 PM | Comments (0)
Some beginning intentions
I had a dream about hugging guys, pulling up their shirts, and writing LEUKOCYTE and KIDNEYS across their lower backs. Odd.
This morning I set the intentions that: I am grateful, thankful, and kind; that I intend my way through the day and raise my energy when I need; and that I view each happening of my life positively, and see each as an opportunity rather than a hindrance.
After doing my energy tuneup I realize I need to set one about moving from my hara and, based on what Jerry said last night, talking, thinking, and acting carefully here.
"I think, speak, and act consciously at Heartwood, in order to create Who I Really Am."
Yeah so, what he said was, "This is a place that can magnify your dreams." I was moved by that. He said it with simple conviction, and the words echoed through my skull. "Magnify your dreams." How wonderful is that?
I did ugly yoga today.
Yes. I felt so ungraceful... sock coming off, knees popping, lack of balance.
Posted by Josh A. at 06:05 AM | Comments (0)
August 24, 2004
Second day of class
Breakfast was good... I hope my attempt at combining works well. I ate the proteins last. [Note: it turned out, this is the exact wrong order.]
In Shiatsu, we opened with poetry and tai chi, then did a trust game. Circle of hands, one person in the center, closed eyes, falls... I've heard of it, but never did it. It was fun and useful. One student cried, so touched by the trust and safety. Witnessing that, and holding space for that, was probably the most rewarding aspect of the game for me.
We walked from our haras and then from our shoulders... wow. It's impossible to come slowly from your shoulders. And that's at least one reason why we feel so rushed. C.f. FASTER.
Erica talked about her experiences working with uncentered therapists and how they burn out... and the differences in client feedback when she was keeping up with her energy practice.
Shannon and Nishkama talked about traveling and the differences in Europe and India. Apparently in India the men are all really affectionate (yay) but the women and men are so separate (not so yay).
Soyka rocks. After break in muscular anatomy, she did a breathing and affirmation exercise with us, to help us take in and learn this technical info smoothly and easily.
Posted by Josh A. at 07:49 AM | Comments (0)
August 23, 2004
First day of class
I didn't think I had enough time to journal last night. As it was, I was late to yoga class. My bad -- setting my alarm for only 1/2 hour before -- what was I thinking?
Sunday I did NOT want to wake up. I debated skipping breakfast, decided finally that that wasn't a good idea, and went without showering.
Community building was awesome, as usual. Academic registration was fine. Got my schedule. Spent a lot of time (relatively speaking) on the library computer looking some things up.
The academic orientation seemed a bit disjointed. We did have a section where we broke up into 4 groups, planned a skit to demonstrate an agreement here at Heartwood -- ours was the drug and alcohol policy -- and then acted them out for the group.
After dinner was the "ice cream social", which seems so retro. The organic ice creams were good; I didn't try the soy ones. After we ate, the old students and new were formally introduced, as well as more staff & faculty. Then Surya did a small circle with just lower dorm, mostly new, students. It ended so well -- we asked her about her background, and she told us part of her fantastic story. She spent the first three years of her life at Esalen (!) -- yes, from birth until 3. Amazing.
I didn't want to leave when it was over and had to make a conscious choice: there needs to be balance. I have alone things to do. I need to get ready for bed and call my boyfriend and journal.
That went somewhat according to plan. After I got off the phone with Des, I realized I had probably sounded like one of those New Age assholes on the phone. In my excitement over this place and process, I forgot to meet him where he was at. It really brought home how... not difficult, exactly... what a shift it will take to hold some measure of this space in other places. Lots of flexibility, and intending, necessary.
Perhaps traditional ego magick will be more important than I thought.
So on the way back to my room, I ran into Steve, who was on his way to the sauna. I joined him and we talked, about the above and other things. Between that and the sweating I returned to my room relaxed enough to sleep easily and deeply.
I could have listened to my body this morning -- which woke up at 5 -- instead of my head, which put me back to sleep until 6:30, and that would have seen me to yoga EARLY. Next time.
At least I'm at Shiatsu early enough to be writing this. It's giving me the chance to witness who I think is the TA setting up for class. After arranging the seats in a circle, she is using tibetan chimes in the center. It's neat to see staff intending and purifying space. Living a truth, holding space, making space sacred. Making class sacred. Making learning sacred.
And our instructer just came in and hugged her. A long, deep hug. "Already getting warm," I hear from outside.
People start to trickle in, and I close my notebook for later.
Posted by Josh A. at 08:35 AM | Comments (0)
August 21, 2004
...and continues...
What a good day. Although I didn't like not getting up in time to shower, I lived through it. And I have set my alarm an hour early.
Breakfast wasn't so fine. Stomach discomfort and gas. I really need to do food combining, and see Erica about getting enough calories and such.
Orientation was fun... I was more open, I loved Surya's crazy note taking, and the ideas expressed. The Gurdjieff thing seems most important to me -- [community facilitates transformation]. That's a three word poem, in all its over/under defined beauty.
The tour was a little underpowered, but I saw new stuff -- Kiva, smoking temple, sauna, etc. Looking at the map, I'm able to make some more sense of the place.
I saw Janna & Macska's cabinette. I'm jealous of the closet space, but not of having to go to Bodhi to shower. And I like being so close to other people, even if they do talk audibly while I'm journaling.
No laundry during the summer is absurd. Lisa's phrasing -- "This place is not ideal" (emphasis mine) is concretizing for me.
I had planned to do my laundry at home anyway, but after experiencing that mountain road, I dunno.
Blah. I still think we should manifest pavement.
After the tour, I showered. Glorious. The water pressure was fine, the facilities are nice... it was good. I felt much better after.
Then I went swimming. So nice and perfect, although I missed volleyball... so I just did laps.
Met up with Steve for dinner, ate with him, Jamie, Shannon. We talked about movies -- Jamie's the movie buff.
I seem to be connecting well with Steve. That is to say, he listens to me and says useful things back. I have no idea what's going on with his end of it. But, he gave Kala and I tarot readings tonight... very cool. I hope I follow through on my intention to study tarot here, so I can return the favor.
While talking with him at dinner I realized the reason I'm so impatient with the orientation process, especially wanting to know my upcoming schedule, is because I have all of these extra things planned and I'm afraid if I don't start on them NOW I'll never do them. (Shades of the past.) I want to start planning around the schedule before I've even gone through it for a day. Like summer vacations where I had all these ideas for things to learn and ended up doing nothing. I still hate that feeling.
Posted by Josh A. at 10:35 PM | Comments (0)
And so it begins
Breakfast wasn't bad. I want unsweetened soymilk though. Had cereal - flakes, granola, flax... some greens, tofu & chard, miso + shitake soup, some cooked grains, rooibos & peppermint tea.
Beverly and I were up in the library after, and now I have no time to shower :-(
Posted by Josh A. at 09:31 AM | Comments (0)
August 20, 2004
1st Day at Heartwood
Just finished the heart circle, and feeling all over the map. The founder's words brought me near tears. I feel like the importance he places on Heartwood is probably always evident in him. I wonder how evident it is in some people on a day to day basis.
Hearing people share their stories was wonderful. I felt like I fell short when it was my turn. I still talked from my head -- instant defenses, shields up. Nothing came from here -> <3 Sigh. I appeared to connect with everyone while actually keeping them at a distance.
I think I need a good cry. I think I have some grieving to do. There are old me's and old ways on their way out. And the new hasn't slid on or in so easily. Today actually kind of sucked. Lsa wasn't here. There was still confusion over my room. The gravel road sucks. It's dirty. Deer don't make up for that. Everything seems vague and not well sheparded. Where do I go? What do I do? How do I get where? And at dinner the guy across from me didn't answer my hello, and worse, I sat there feeling uncomfortable instead of saying something more. All these little things to forgive myself for.
I miss my boyfriend. And my friends. And new prospects. What am I doing here? And I don't even have a phone to talk to someone about it privately.
What the hell is "living in community" anyway?
Tonight I thought, I LIKE the city. I like not connecting. I like everybody doing their own thing and me doing mine. And I like how easy it is -- GROCERY STORES. PAVEMENT. FREEWAYS. EIGHT LANE BUMPER TO BUMPER BLISS.
I'm gonna shove this mall up your ass. I'm gonna go LIVE at the mall. I will work there and shop there and live across the street and make love to it in my fantasies at night.
Sigh. Or not.
It seems that all I needed to do was look up the student counselor's number to not need to call and ask if I could see her tonight.
I am OK. This is OK.
Posted by Josh A. at 11:20 PM | Comments (0)