August 20, 2004
1st Day at Heartwood
Just finished the heart circle, and feeling all over the map. The founder's words brought me near tears. I feel like the importance he places on Heartwood is probably always evident in him. I wonder how evident it is in some people on a day to day basis.
Hearing people share their stories was wonderful. I felt like I fell short when it was my turn. I still talked from my head -- instant defenses, shields up. Nothing came from here -> <3 Sigh. I appeared to connect with everyone while actually keeping them at a distance.
I think I need a good cry. I think I have some grieving to do. There are old me's and old ways on their way out. And the new hasn't slid on or in so easily. Today actually kind of sucked. Lsa wasn't here. There was still confusion over my room. The gravel road sucks. It's dirty. Deer don't make up for that. Everything seems vague and not well sheparded. Where do I go? What do I do? How do I get where? And at dinner the guy across from me didn't answer my hello, and worse, I sat there feeling uncomfortable instead of saying something more. All these little things to forgive myself for.
I miss my boyfriend. And my friends. And new prospects. What am I doing here? And I don't even have a phone to talk to someone about it privately.
What the hell is "living in community" anyway?
Tonight I thought, I LIKE the city. I like not connecting. I like everybody doing their own thing and me doing mine. And I like how easy it is -- GROCERY STORES. PAVEMENT. FREEWAYS. EIGHT LANE BUMPER TO BUMPER BLISS.
I'm gonna shove this mall up your ass. I'm gonna go LIVE at the mall. I will work there and shop there and live across the street and make love to it in my fantasies at night.
Sigh. Or not.
It seems that all I needed to do was look up the student counselor's number to not need to call and ask if I could see her tonight.
I am OK. This is OK.
Posted by Josh A. at August 20, 2004 11:20 PM